Rocket Man
by LorelaiGilmore82
Summary: Beckett is waiting for Castle at the precinct when she gets a call from Alexis and finds herself rushing over to the hospital, after Castle has been involved in a car accident.
1. Chapter 1

**Rocket Man Chapter I**

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><p>First of all I would like to thank the awesome<em><strong> BBB's<strong>_ (Bree's Beta Babes) Marjo, Stella and Melody for putting so much thought and time into this story, for all the corrections and suggestions you sent my way. I couldn't have done it without you!** Thank you!**

**_To the readers,_**  
>this is set sometime during January 2012. Definitely after Ryan's wedding, probably after <em>Dial M for Mayor<em>, though I'm not sure about that yet.

_Reviews_ are what keeps the writer happy and makes them type faster, so please leave a comment when you have the time. I really appreciate it! Feedback is more than welcome, one way or the other.

This is going to be a multi-chapter story and I hope you'll enjoy it.

**Disclaimers:  
><strong>They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

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><p><strong>January 2012<strong>

'_Where was he?'_

She checked her watch for the tenth time in the past 30 minutes and then glanced at the elevator as if she could will the doors to open and reveal the object of her desire _and_ her coffee. She frowned, that was not what she meant, or _was it_? She wanted the coffee _that_ was her object of desire. She sighed, who was she kidding?

Ryan turned to look at her, wondering what had caused that sudden outbreak of frustration. "Beckett? Something wrong?"

Her head snapped up, shooting him a puzzled look, "Um, what?"

Ryan's facial expression turned into a similar perplexed one and the only thing he could come up with was a matching, "What?"

She regarded him with a frown that created that little wrinkle on her forehead that Castle would have adored if he was there, unfortunately for him, he missed it. "Did Castle say something about being late today?" she asked as nonchalantly as she could.

Ryan shook his head, "No, but since we have no case he might not show at all, right?"

"Right," she replied and pondered that in her head. Hadn't he left the precinct yesterday evening with his familiar; '_Until tomorrow_?' But Ryan was right. He had no reason to be here, if there wasn't a case. She leant back in her chair and rocked it gently, while she considered her options. She could get her own coffee, but that would be like accepting that he wouldn't show at all, sort of challenging the universe. _He would have liked that idea._ But she hardly could sit here all day and wait for him to make an appearance - now that would be pathetic, wouldn't it? She sensed that Ryan was watching her and shot him a pointed look that made him swirl around in his chair and put his nose back into the paperwork in front of him. With one last glance at the elevator she finally decided that enough was enough and while repressing another sigh she got up and walked over to the break room to get herself the much needed dose of caffeine.

Esposito whistled at his partner the minute she got out of sight and nodded his head towards the break room where Beckett had just disappeared, "What's up with her?" he hissed.

Ryan shrugged, "No coffee?" he suggested in a hushed tone, afraid Beckett might catch them talking about her.

"I think, _No Castle_, is more like it," Esposito smirked and reached over his desk to do that funny _feed-the-birds _thing with Ryan that the boys had invented.

"What are you guys so cheery about?" Beckett asked when she stepped back into the bullpen and witnessed their very own version of a high-five.

"Nothing," Esposito stated innocently and started typing again, pretending she had imagined the whole thing. He was good at that. He had actually perfected it when he had still been with Lanie.

Her eyes travelled to Ryan, knowing that he was the weak link in this connection and much easier to crack. And sure enough Ryan found it hard to ignore the piercing set of eyes that were pointed at him. But he wouldn't look at her! _No_! _He was not going to look_, knowing it would be all over if he did. "Just a guy thing," he somehow got out, keeping his eyes glued to his computer. _No_, _he wouldn't look!_

"Ah," she mumbled and raised her head in a half nod, before she shot the guys one last, very pointed look that she also considered to be a warning and returned to her desk.

For the next fifteen minutes she stared at her computer without getting anything done. She could call him, right? There was no harm in checking, was there? But again, who was she kidding? Everything they said or did lately had become an opportunity for suggestiveness, hidden meanings and implications. And while their banter and teasing was mostly very entertaining she had realized that she had to be careful not to reveal too much, not to push too far, not to pass that final threshold when she wasn't ready to go the whole distance. Calling him now and asking for his whereabouts could be considered being needy. And that was really the last impression she wanted to make. _Okay, so maybe a text?_ As if that was any different to a call – where was a dead body when you needed one? She grimaced at her own thoughts. _Pathetic, Beckett! Pathetic! _She glanced at her watch again. _URGH!_

Finally she managed to concentrate on the pile of paperwork in front of her and started typing, abandoning any thought of a certain writer, his whereabouts and the beloved coffee he used to provide. For the next 40 minutes she did not once look at the elevator, nor at her watch and was so focussed on rephrasing one of her reports that the ringing of her phone actually startled her. Without looking at the caller's ID and just the _slightest _hope that a body had dropped she answered it, "Beckett!"

What came from the other end of the line was a flood of words that didn't really make any sense to her, nor did she recognize the female caller. Taking the phone from her ear to have a look on the screen to see who was calling she just felt a sting of worry building up in her.

"Alexis?" she asked, but the stream of words continued. "Alexis, I need you to calm down! I don't understand a word."

Two pairs of eyes were suddenly pinned at her, since her rather determined tone and the mentioning of Castle's daughter got Esposito's and Ryan's attention.

"Alexis what happened?" Kate tried again and this time got through to the teenager. Her partners watched the growing worried expression on her face. She was mainly listening, adding a _'yes' _or _'okay'_ from time to time. "Which hospital?" she finally asked and looked at Ryan and Esposito with an expression that they had hardly ever seen on her - _Panic_. "I'll be right there, Alexis! I'll get there as quick as I can, it's gonna be alright, okay? Just hang in there!" She mumbled a goodbye and already grabbed for her purse and coat.

"Beckett?" Esposito called out over their desks. Uncertainty written all over his face.

"That was Alexis. Castle had an accident," she stammered and was frantically searching for her keys. Pushing files aside and toppling over some, sending them to the floor, "Damn it!" She cursed with clenched teeth.

"Here," Ryan handed her the key, she was looking for and barely dared to ask. "How bad?"

"She doesn't know. They just called her. She's on her way over to the hospital," she started towards the elevators, stopping in her tracks when she realized she couldn't just leave like this. For a second she looked totally lost.

"Go!" Ryan spoke gently. "We'll take care of things here. Just go!"

"Thank you," she whispered and ran towards the elevator.

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><p>Traffic was insane as expected and though she was sitting in her Crown Vic, protocol forbid her to use special rights, so she was penned up with all the other New Yorkers on Park Avenue. She was sure they had all conspired to keep her between 29th and 23rd Street as the sea of cars slowly crept forward, "Move!" she yelled at no one in particular, knowing that her outburst wouldn't make anything or anyone go faster, but it felt good to let it out nevertheless and to point that gut-wrenching fear at someone. It was like the bank robbery all over again. The explosion and the dreadful minutes until she had found him safe and sound. She hated this feeling, this helplessness. For years she had been able to mainly banish it from her emotions but since that day in May it had been a constant reminder to her, that she was not okay. That she still had a long way to go. She slammed her fist at the steering wheel, when she had to stop at the next red light.<p>

Finally after a seemingly endless 45 minutes she parked in a no parking zone, happy that at least here her Crown Vic was of use, since no uniform would tow it away. She grabbed her bag and stormed towards the ED, almost running over an elderly woman. She muttered a _'Sorry'_ under a breath but barely stopped. Her lungs were burning when she finally stumbled through the sliding doors and let her view wander, searching for Alexis. She found her crouched over in one of the plastic chairs. Castle's usually frail but vivid looking daughter was a heart-breaking image of misery. Her heart leaped out to the girl and she quickly crossed through the waiting area, "Alexis!" she called out softly when she was still a couple of steps away.

Alexis head shot up and Kate could see relief flicker through the clouded blue eyes, what the Detective didn't expected was what happened next. The young woman jumped up and threw herself into Kate's arms. Taken a bit by surprise, she needed a second before she wrapped her arms around the red head and held her close, "Hey, it's okay!" She tried to soothe her and rubbed her back, like her mom had always done, when she had sought refuge in her arms.

When Alexis finally pulled away, she looked slightly embarrassed by her emotional outburst and Kate knew why. They hadn't exactly been on the best of terms with each other, since the summer. Though none of these feelings had ever been openly discussed, Kate knew they were there and she didn't really blame Castle's daughter for having them. Alexis was protective of her father, she didn't want him to get hurt. And Kate had done just that, she _had hurt_ him. So she understood why Alexis was guarded towards her, she had every right to be. She had been the one who had to absorb it, the one who probably had to build him up again and made him continue. It was a lot to take for a seventeen year old girl, even if the teenager was such an extraordinary young woman as Alexis. And even though things had shifted slightly to Kate's favor since the bank robbery, Kate knew, there was a lot of compensation for her to do, towards Castle _and_ Alexis.

"Thank you for coming. I didn't know who else to call." Alexis pulled her out of her thoughts, sounding apologetic and just a bit regretful.

"Hey," Kate tried to get the younger woman to look at her without success. When her verbal approach didn't get the desired reaction, she placed her hands on Alexis shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze to get her to meet her eyes, "Alexis, I know things have been kind of rocky between us lately, but I want you to know, you can always call me! Okay? When you need me I'll be there. I promise. No strings attached." she added not wanting the girl to think that this was some kind of trick to win her over.

Alexis nodded, unable to say anything but her eyes showing the gratitude she felt. Kate had seen the same expression when she had been able to embrace her dad and grandmother after being held hostage during the bank robbery, because Kate, true to her word, had saved them.

"Have you reached Martha?" Kate suddenly asked, when she remembered that Castle's mother was on a skiing trip to Aspen.

Alexis shook her head, "I left at least a dozen messages on her mailbox."

"Okay, I'm sure she will call as soon as she can!" Kate said with more confidence than she felt and took a deep breath, deciding on her next step. "Let's see if we can find a nurse or doctor in the meantime." And with that she placed her arm protectively around Alexis shoulder and noted with a small smile that the teenager actually leant into her, while she guided them to the reception.

The nurse on duty greeted them with a stern face and always the same answer, "You'll have to wait for Dr. Bernstein." Beckett had to admit that part of her admired the way Nurse Karen was able to deliver the exact same sentence, in the exact same tone, exactly five times. But she was playing with her patience and that was never a good idea.

"Listen," she said and tried to stay calm. "Couldn't you send someone to ask how Mr. Castle is doing?"

"You'll have to wait for Dr. Bernstein," Nurse Karen repeated for the sixth time and Beckett felt Alexis shrink against her side. Okay, this was it, she was done playing nice.

She flashed her badge and in her most stern voice, the one that even the most bad-ass criminals feared she said, "You'll get someone out here to talk to us in the next three minutes!" She didn't even add a threat, she didn't need to. Nurse Karen reached for the phone, reluctantly, but she dialled nevertheless, requesting for Dr. Bernstein to come out front.

Sure enough two minutes later said Dr. Bernstein walked through the sliding doors that separated the waiting area from the actual emergency room and headed towards the waiting women.

"Mrs. Castle?" he asked and looked at Beckett.

For a second she just stood there and stared back confused, before she pulled herself together and hastily said, "This is Alexis Castle. Castle's," she caught herself, "I mean Mr. Castle's daughter."

"And you are?" Dr. Bernstein asked suspiciously.

"Detective Kate Beckett, I'm with the NYPD." Again she flashed her badge which seemed to satisfy him.

"How's my dad?" Alexis finally spoke, not being able to bear it any longer.

Dr. Bernstein pointed towards a bench to his right, "Please, let's sit!"

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><p>TBC<p>

**_Thoughts? Ideas?_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Rocket Man Chapter II**

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><p>99 Story Alters! Are you kidding me? <strong><em>You're awesome!<em>** Thank you, thank you, thank you!  
>Now if all of those people would leave a review at the end of this chapter that would be just<br>**_S.U.P.E.R.C.A.L.I.F.R.A.G.I.L.I.S.T.I.C.E.X.P.I.A.L.I.D.O.C.I.O.U.S. !_**

No pressure though! ;-)

**Thanks** to all you lovely people who already did leave a thought!

Again I have to thank my fabulous BBB's. You rock! I will try to stop forming sentences that include the word: _that_. ;-) Seems to be a German thing ...

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

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><p>The second they sat down Alexis grabbed Kate's hand and held it in what could only be described as a death grip. Kate gave it a gentle squeeze, knowing that she couldn't take away from the fear and worry Alexis was feeling. All she could do was to hold her hand and hope that Alexis knew she wasn't alone. Words ran through her mind. Words that Alexis had yelled at her not long ago, <em>'They're all I've got! Do you hear me? They're all I've got!' <em>and now one of the only two people she had in this world was lying in a hospital, while the other was unreachable.

Dr. Bernstein sat down next to them and two sets of eyes, one blue the other green were expectantly directed at him, both fearful and hopeful at the same time.

"How is he?" Kate finally asked, trying her best to sound calm, but failing.

Dr. Bernstein raised his hand in a reassuring gesture, "Mr. Castle is doing as good as can be expected under the prevailing circumstances. He suffered a fracture of the left humerus," he pointed at his upper arm to indicate the exact location where the bone had broken, "and several bruises, cuts and abrasions, all of which are minor concerns. We took him into surgery to repair the bone with a metal plate and screws. This process provides the best prognosis and will prevent further damage to the bone, muscles, blood vessels and nerves."

Kate looked over at Alexis. This didn't sound too bad, right? A broken arm and some bruises, nothing time wouldn't heal.

"However," Dr. Bernstein continued and those words made her stomach churn and she felt Alexis' grip tighten, "When Mr. Castle was admitted he had no recollection of what had happened, nor who he was. As a matter of fact he had no personal memory at all."

"He lost his memory?" Kate verbalized the question spinning through Alexis' mind.

"We can't be certain about this right now. He reportedly hit his head when he was struck by the car," that was as far as he got before Kate interrupted him.

"He was struck by a car?" she exclaimed and risked a side glance at Alexis, who had gone impossibly paler.

"Yes, I thought you knew that," the doctor stated confused. "Didn't your colleagues inform you?"

"Colleagues?" she frowned.

"Yes, the Officers that came in to interview Mr. Castle. I sent them away, telling them that he was in no condition to answer any questions regarding the accident." Dr. Bernstein gave her a puzzled look, but it finally dawned on Kate what he was talking about. In a case of a personal injury incident an official police report was filed and for that statements were needed.

"They must have been Officers from a different precinct," she said more to herself than to someone else in particular and made a mental note to contact them to learn what exactly had happened. "_I'm_ here because of Mr. Castle's daughter." She clarified and when she didn't elaborate further Dr. Bernstein took this as his cue to continue.

"He suffered a minor scalp laceration on the back of his head. I can give you more details, but this explains it simply. His disorientation is most likely due to the trauma to his head. The memory loss could be caused by the concussion. How bad that is can only be determined after some tests, and when Mr. Castle is awake after surgery. I ordered an PET and CT to be repeated after surgery to exclude any potential brain damage, such as bleeding_. _That's all I can tell you right now. I will be able to give you a more accurate diagnosis once I've seen the scans and Mr. Castle is awake."

"Thank you," Kate mumbled, while trying to process what she had just been told. It could have been so much worse however this was certainly not good news.

"I'll send a nurse to take you upstairs. And I will let you know when Mr. Castle gets out of surgery and you will be able to see him," with that he got up and disappeared through the sliding doors, leaving them on their own again.

They sat there, Alexis' hand still securely enclosed in Kate's. "Are you okay?" Kate finally asked when she was done contemplating the situation herself.

Alexis gave a small nod and Kate decided that it was the best she could expect under these circumstances. A situation like this called for someone close to her, a family member and who knew how long it would take until they could get hold of Martha.

"Do you want me to call anyone, your mom?" Kate suddenly asked, not sure how to help her.

Alexis' head jerked up, "_No_!" she exclaimed, startling Kate with her unexpected strong resistance. "No, please don't! You're here, I don't need anybody else." she added a bit softer, almost pleading.

Kate frowned, not understanding Alexis' reaction but she nodded, "Of course, if you don't want to."

Alexis gave her small smile and seemed to relax, leaving Kate wondering about the girl's relationship with her mother, but she had no time to ponder the thought when a nurse met them to accompany them upstairs.

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><p>Patience had never been one of Kate's strongest abilities, and the waiting was gnawing on her while she tried to keep a cool face for Alexis<em>.<em> They sat next to each other but Alexis had made sure to put some distance between them, obviously determined to handle things on her own from now on. Kate's comment about her mother had stirred something in her. Alexis knew that Kate's idea to call her mother was well-intentioned, how was she supposed to know that her mother was not the kind of person to rely on. Kate had only met her once and that was at a rather brief gathering and though she couldn't be sure what or if her dad had told his partner about his first marriage, Meredith and her non-existent qualities as a mother, she was almost sure that he hadn't, at least not much. The last thing Alexis needed right now was another disappointment and it was highly unlikely that her mother would drop everything in L.A. to hop on a plane, fly across the country to stand by her daughter. Suspecting this was bad enough she didn't need to know for sure. So she would pull herself together and get through this on her own until hopefully her grandmother came. She looked up and glanced at the woman sitting next to her who looked as devastated as she felt. _Well maybe not all alone_.

Kate had tried, but sitting was killing her. She needed something to distract her, before the waiting drove her totally insane. "I'll be right back," she announced and waited until she could see Alexis give a little nod. Heading towards the elevators, she pushed the button and waited. For the first time since she had set foot into the hospital hours ago she recognized that typical smell, a mixture of blood, pain, and disinfectant, so distinctive that it could only be found in a hospital and for _her_ it would be forever associated with that almost fatal day, the day that changed everything. Finally stepping onto the elevator, she stared at the flickering, fluorescent light and couldn't fight the oppressive feeling that planted itself around her heart. "It is _just_ an elevator," she muttered to herself, knowing that what she felt had nothing to do with the elevator, it was her fear of things past. She had talked about this to Dr. Burke once that though she had been unconscious she somehow remembered being pushed down a corridor and the flickering of the lights when she passed them, Lanie trying to push the life back into her and the smell. When the doors opened on the ground level, she stepped hastily out into the corridor and almost got run over by a team of paramedics, hurriedly pushing a stretcher with a whimpering figure towards the ED. She jumped aside, her back hitting the wall and she leant against it for support, seeking comfort in the cold stone against her back. Her head came to rest against the coolness and she closed her eyes for a second. Taking a deep breath, she tried to shake off the feeling that kept her pressed to the wall. "Get a grip!" she mumbled and almost jumped out of her skin when a nurse asked her if she was alright. "Yes, I'm fine," she stuttered and finally pushed herself off the wall and into the direction of the cafeteria.

She couldn't think about food, so when she spotted a coffee cart that's where her feet took her.

The confining feeling hadn't ebbed away on her way back up where she stepped out of the elevator equipped with two coffees in her hand. Her eyes immediately fixated on Alexis, still in the seat where she had left her 15 minutes ago. For some reason that calmed her and with one last deep breath she walked back to her side and sat down.

"Hey," Kate's soft voice made Alexis look up, "I got us something to drink." Alexis saw the coffee cup and a small smile appeared on her lips that quickly faded when she glanced at the clock on the wall.

"How much longer will this take?" Alexis asked and sighed in desperation. And because Kate knew there was nothing she could do or say to make her feel better she opted for silence, asking herself the same question.

Another hour had passed, the clock ticked towards 3:30 pm and Kate got up to make one of her frequent turns to the nurse station, asking for news. So far there wasn't any. Sliding back into her seat next to Alexis, she handed her a bottle of water that she had fetched from the vending machine at the end of the corridor.

"Thank you," Alexis said and meant more than just the water, but before she could add anything else, Dr. Bernstein came pushing through the swinging doors to their right and headed towards them. Alexis shot up from her seat, immediately followed by Kate who came to stand behind her, placing her hands on Alexis shoulders, she gave them a gentle squeeze.

"Miss Castle, Detective Beckett," he said and came to a stop in front of them.

"How's my dad?" Alexis asked, though fearing the answer.

Dr. Bernstein regarded her with a warm smile, "The surgery went well. We were able to repair the bone as planned and expect the arm to heal without complication."

"And his memory?" Kate asked and without noticing it tightened her grip on Alexis' shoulders.

"Unfortunately Mr. Castle still has no recollection of the accident or any other personal memory," Dr. Bernstein continued and Alexis turned to shoot Kate a worried look. Kate shook her head at her, telling her without words that she shouldn't jump to conclusions.

"Dr. Bernstein, what exactly does this mean?" she asked when Alexis had turned back to face the doctor.

"The scans came up negative. They did not show any indication of bleeding or other head injuries. The laceration is relatively minor and has been repaired. We are dealing with a certain type of amnesia. So while Mr. Castle's lost his episodic memory, his general knowledge of language and facts as well as his procedural memory is intact, which is a good sign."

Alexis wasn't sure she understood and gave Kate another unsure glance over her shoulder.

"So this means he doesn't remember who he is, places that he's been to, movies that he's seen or people in his life, but he still knows how to drive a car, cook, mainly the things of everyday life?" Kate questioned for Alexis, since this was all sounding way too familiar to her, remembering the case Castle and she had worked on about two years ago, when they had investigated the murder of the owner of an art gallery. And she remembered how it ended, Jeremy Preswick's memory did not return.

"Exactly," Dr. Bernstein nodded, interrupting her thoughts.

"Like someone erased his software, but the hardware is still running." Alexis stated more than asked.

Dr. Bernstein smiled, "That's one way to put it."

"How long …," Kate trailed off, because she already knew the answer to this.

"That's hard to say. Tomorrow, a couple of days, weeks. It's hard to put a timeline on situations like this. And I have to inform you that there have been cases where the memory never fully return or," he paused, "returned at all."

"What?" Alexis exclaimed, shaking off Kate's hands when she took a step forward. "What do you mean? That he won't remember anything? That he won't remember - ," she didn't dare to say it. _Remember her._

"At this point we have no reason to believe that this will be the case. What Mr. Castle needs now is rest and time. Unfortunately that's the only thing we can do, to help his recovery."

"I want to see him!" Alexis demanded.

"Of course," Dr. Bernstein replied calmly, "One thing though before I'll take you to his room. It's important that you are honest with Mr. Castle, answer his questions truthfully, but don't push him to remember. That often makes it worse and more frustrating to the patient. You must be patient with this type of injury."

Kate nodded, but Alexis was too anxious to listen to anything of this, she just wanted to see her dad. Impatiently she stared towards the doors that Dr. Bernstein had emerged from.

"I'll take you to him," and Dr. Bernstein took the lead, followed by Alexis and Beckett. They briefly stopped at the nurses' station where Dr. Bernstein gave instructions regarding other patients and asked them to wait a moment.

Kate took the opportunity to turn to Castle's daughter, "Alexis," placing a hand on her arm. "He's going to be alright!"

"How do you know? Maybe you don't care, but I want my dad to remember me!" It was unfair, out of line an Alexis knew it, but she was alone and frightened and there was no one else to direct her anger to.

Kate swallowed, knowing that Alexis was stressed and that she was scared, but her words still hurt.

Dr. Bernstein, oblivious to what had just happened, led them to the end of the corridor and stopped in front of a green door, "Now keep in mind, he's still recovering from anaesthesia and needs rest." This time Alexis actually listened and nodded. "I'll leave you alone now. I have informed Mr. Castle that his daughter and a Detective from the NYPD are here to see him." He turned towards Beckett, whom he still assumed was only here because of the accident and the minor daughter of his patient, "Detective, I request that you do not ask about the accident until I give you clearance." Beckett nodded and assured him, that she wouldn't bring it up and she seriously had no intention to do so. She just wanted to see him.

He seemed satisfied, "If you need anything else, please don't hesitate to ask. If you'll excuse me now," and with that he left them alone.

Alexis reached for the door knob and gently pushed it open, peeking into the room she could see her father lying in one of those sterile hospital beds, his eyes closed and looking almost peaceful. She stepped forward and was surprised when she realized that Kate didn't follow. Turning around she looked at her.

"Maybe it's better you go in on your own," Kate whispered.

Alexis looked at her, sorry for what she had said just minutes ago, but couldn't bring herself to say it out loud, so instead held out her hand, Kate looked at her and slowly reached out to take it. This time it was Alexis who gave the gentle squeeze, before she pulled Kate with her into the room.

Standing on opposite sides of the bed, Kate noted that Castle's left arm was secured to his torso with a sling, looking pale, fragile, just a shadow of the animated, bubbly man she had grown so accustomed to. She was afraid to touch him, fearing he would vanish if she did. She bit back the tears that burned behind her eyes. _Not now_! And while she stood there, her face set in stone, Castle's daughter reached for her father's hand, "Dad?"

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><p><em><strong>Thoughts? Ideas?<strong>_

_I'll be away for a couple of days, so no new chapter until next week. :-(_


	3. Chapter 3

**Rocket Man Chapter III**

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><p>Wow, thank you for the amazing response! I can't thank you enough!<br>And sorry, for making you wait so long for this chapter. I hope you like it.

** forever faerie**: Thanks for the correction!

And yet Again I have to thank my fabulous BBB's. You know I love you!

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

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><p>He tried to get past the point. Past the point that could not, no, must not be his first memory. What a pitiful life it would be, where his first and so far mainly his only memory consisted of an ambulance, sirens and pain. It just couldn't be. The doctor had told him not to push, not to try too hard, that his memory would probably return on its own account. But how was he supposed to do that? How was he suppose not to push, to not search his mind, to just wait? How could he face a life without knowing, without remembering? He had been told that his daughter was here. He had a daughter. A daughter that he didn't know because he couldn't remember a thing! He had a million questions and no answers. They wanted him to talk to a psychiatrist as if he were crazy. He had declined, saying he was fine. Saying he was sure it was only a matter of time. The doctor had nodded, leaving the topic alone, for now. And now they wanted him to talk to his daughter and a Detective. He wasn't sure that he wanted to do that. But maybe seeing familiar faces would stir something, would bring back his memories. He had to try and maybe their company would chase away the feeling of loneliness that was filling him, threatening to swallow him. He would put on a brave face. He could do that. It's only been a couple of hours, he told himself. No need to panic. Not yet.<p>

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><p>He blinked against the lurid light, looking into the blue eyes of a young red head and noticed that she was clasping his hand. His first intention was to pull away. She didn't look familiar and again he tried to force his mind to work, to bring him past the sirens and the pain. He came up blank. Bound to rely on his recent memories he concluded that this had to be his daughter, "Hey," he whispered hoarsely and tried to put on a friendly face, even though he was looking at a total stranger.<p>

"Hey Dad," she sniffed and then the tears fell.

"Now shhh," he tried to reassure her, feeling totally helpless around the crying teenager and knowing he was the reason for her tears was just adding to the pressure. With a look of alarm, he turned to the woman he ascertained was the Detective the Doctor had mentioned, standing on the other side of his bed. To his surprise, she gave him what he could only interpret to be an encouraging smile. She obviously thought that he could handle this. But how? He had no idea how to be a father. God, he hadn't even known his name, before Dr. Bernstein had told him. Ignoring his eyes, pleading with her to handle it, to handle the girl, for him, the Detective gave him an insisting nod. He knew he had no choice but to turn is attention back to the girl. He didn't want to do this. He felt groggy, sleepy, the anaesthesia still clouding his mind. He shouldn't have agreed to see them. Maybe being alone wasn't so bad after all. But he had to try. He didn't have a choice and so he tried to recall her name, sure the doctor had told him. Something with A. "Alexis?" he asked carefully and was relieved when the girl actually looked at him. "Alexis, right?" he questioned again just to be sure. She gave a small nod. "No need to cry, I'm still in one piece." He looked at himself, "More or less." He tried a joke, but only elicited another sob from the girl. Great! He only made her cry harder. "Ah, look I'm sorry," he said and pulled the small hand that was holding his closer and still reluctantly placed a soft kiss on the back of his daughter's hand, "This is all very confusing." He held her gaze, trying a soft smile and was surprised to feel his heart do a little skip when she returned it. Relieved he turned back to the other woman in the room and was happy that she seemed to approve of his actions. "Hey there," he said, not sure if this was an appropriate way to address an NYPD Detective, but figuring that today was the day that he could get away with it.

"Hey Castle," she said softly, her eyes shining with something that he couldn't place and her hand gently caressing the shoulder that was attached to his broken arm. Okaaaay! He might have lost his memory, but this was definitely not the way a female and notable, beautiful law enforcement representative should look at the victim of a car accident that she didn't know. And was there something wrong with his heart? It certainly wasn't racing like this a minute ago. He must remember to ask them to check that as well.

At his look of confusion, Alexis smiled hesitantly.

"You work with Detective Beckett," she stated softly.

"I'm with the police?" he asked and for a brief moment his face lit up in the typically childish way it always did when he was really excited about something. Kate would have rolled her eyes, if she hadn't been tremendously happy that her Castle was still in there.

"No, Dad!" his daughter shook her head and he noted that her smile widened as well, "You're a novelist. You write mystery novels and shadow Detective Beckett for research." Somehow Alexis made it sound just a tad ridiculous.

"Ah, so you are my muse?" he looked back at Beckett with a raised eyebrow.

Kate's expression turned into something he couldn't quite place, "Well, sort of." She stuttered.

"So a writer, huh?" he let that linger, unsure where to take it from there. He still felt somewhat cautious about the women that stood beside him and yet he felt some kind of strange bond. It made him anxious not knowing where this bond was coming from and to have nothing to connect it to. Silence filled the room and Alexis shot Kate a nervous look.

"Where's your mother?" he suddenly asked, and he noticed Detective Beckett flinch.

"Mom is in L.A." Alexis stated curtly and he sensed that he picked a delicate topic.

"Oh, so I'm …," he trailed off.

"Divorced, yes. Twice." His daughter completed his thought.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he said not exactly knowing why and then, unconsciously glancing at the Detective, noticed that she looked slightly uncomfortable. "So it's just the two of us?" Did he harbour a slight hope the Detective would object? There was just something about the way she looked at him. It was unsettling, not in a good way, but certainly not in a bad one either.

"No, actually," and his head shot towards his daughter, making him flinch, because the abrupt movement made his head throb. "It's you, me and Grams."

"My mother?" he questioned.

Alexis nodded, "Yes, she lives with us."

For a second he looked confused, "Well I'm not sure if that is a good or a bad thing." Out of the corner of his eye he saw the Detective roll her eyes and on some strange unaccountable level enjoyed it, it calmed his nervous agitation. There was something about this eye roll, it felt strangely familiar. His eyes studied her openly as if he was trying to make her elaborate, and he could see her taking a step back from him, shying away not only physically but also emotionally.

"I have to make some phone calls. I'll let you two do some catching up, okay?" Kate avoided his questioning eyes and made sure that Alexis was okay with her leaving. "I'll be back later," she hastily added and left father and daughter alone. Great, first he made his daughter cry and now he scared the Detective away. This was going so well.

She could feel Castle's eyes at her back, but didn't turn around, as she stepped into the corridor and took a deep breath. She had to think. The way he looked at her as if he was looking through her, could read her, it was scary and unsettling. Dr. Bernstein had told them to be honest, to answer the questions he asked. But what if she wasn't ready to answer those questions? She stared at the phone in her hand and finally dialled.

* * *

><p>Ryan and Esposito had been pacing the bull pen since Beckett had rushed out of it hours ago. Though they had completed all their paperwork they both refused to go home. Even Gates who at first had not been amused about Beckett's rushed departure had postponed a meeting at 1 Police Plaza and stuck her head out of her office when Esposito's phone rang.<p>

"Beckett?" he almost shouted into the receiver, his eyes fixed on Ryan's.

"Yes, it's me, Espo!" he could hear the exhaustion in her voice. Putting her on speaker, Ryan moved closer and sat down next to Esposito.

"So how is he doing?" Esposito asked and heard her sigh.

Kate leant against the mint green wall opposite of Castle's room and let her hand run through her hair, "He's got a broken arm, some bruises and a laceration on the back of his head."

"I've got a bad feeling there's more," Ryan stated and shot Esposito a look.

"Yes there is," she had wanted to break it gently to the boys but knew that there was no way to do so, "He doesn't remember." She almost chocked on the last word.

"You mean about the accident?" Esposito asked, wondering why this was having such an impact on her. They had questioned enough traumatised victims and witnesses to know that this was a frequent occurrence.

"No," she sighed. "He doesn't remember anything at all!"

"Are you saying he lost his memory?" Ryan couldn't believe it. Why did Castle always have to pull some sort of stunt? He knew it was an inappropriate thought but it was the first one into his mind.

There was silence on the line until Esposito finally said, "I'm sorry, Beckett!" knowing that, no matter how hard it was for them, it was a hundred times harder for her. She didn't answer that. She just listened to the somehow comforting silence that followed his statement.

"How's Alexis holding up?" Ryan was the first to speak again.

"She's doing alright I guess. The only thing worrying me it that we can't get hold of Martha," she added and wondered again why Martha wasn't returning Alexis' calls.

"She's skiing in Aspen, right?" Ryan asked.

"Yes, but we couldn't even get her on the phone so far. It would be good for Alexis to have her here." Kate stated more to herself than to the boys.

"I think she can count herself lucky to have you," Esposito said gently.

"Yeah, well… " again there was silence, no one knowing where to take it from here. But sure enough Captain Gates had her own ideas.

"Detective Beckett!" her voice made them all jump. She had left her spot at the door to her office and had come to stand directly behind Esposito and Ryan, who hadn't heard her approach.

"Yes Sir?" Kate unconsciously straightened up, leaning a bit taller against the wall that she had chosen for support. The thought: What now? circling through her head.

"Is there any other family that can take care of Mr. Castle's daughter until Mrs. Rogers gets back?"

"No, Sir, not that I'm aware of, it's just the three of them." Kate answered, wary of where the conversation was going.

"Then I suggest you take the day off tomorrow. Make arrangements for Miss Castle and let me know when Mrs. Rogers is expected back." Gates ordered.

"Um - Yes Sir!" Kate replied stunned. What the heck?

Obviously satisfied with her handling of the situation, Gates excused herself and left for her meeting; leaving Esposito, Ryan and Beckett to wonder what just happened.

"Can't say, she doesn't have her moments," Beckett murmured and hoped that Gates was actually out of earshot.

"Hey Beckett, tell Castle to hang in there, okay?" Ryan said worry still showing in his voice. "And if he wants some manly company to give us a call!"

"Yeah, and tell him if he wanted to go somewhere with special rights, all he had to do was ask!" Esposito added with a little smile.

"Bye!" she said and hung up with a small grin playing around her lips. Cop humour. She loved the boys for that.

After she had hung up she stayed at her spot at the wall, lost in thoughts and trying to figure out what she should do. A nurse stopped at Castle's room, and after checking her sheet on the tray full of pills she was holding, entered it. It was a reminder that she had to go back in there. She checked her watch, ticking towards 5:00pm and she felt the burden of the day on her shoulders. Flipping through her contacts she made one more attempt to call Martha, but again only got her voicemail. Leaving a short message with a request to get in touch with her, she hung up and with one last breath pushed herself off the wall. Time to go back in.

* * *

><p>She stepped back into the room and saw Alexis was still holding her father's hand. She had pulled a chair at his side and they were chatting when Kate joined them. Castle regarded her with a warm smile, something about this woman made him feel at ease and on his toes at the same time. She noticed that he looked more relaxed than when they had first arrived. Obviously she was adjusting to the situation.<p>

"Finished all your calls, Detective?" he asked.

"Yes," she nodded. "The guys say hello!"

He shot her an uncertain look and she realized that he had no idea what she was talking about. "Ryan and Esposito, we work with them," she clarified and he nodded. Again he was somewhat amazed but even more terrified that it was possible not to remember those things.

"More Detectives," he seemed to ponder that, "Ryan and Esposito." He repeated the names, wanting to remember as much as he could, hoping it would stir something or at least give him facts to fill the blank pages in his brain with new information. He had tried to put on a brave face, hiding from the two women how uncomfortable he felt, how uneasy and lost. He was forced to put his trust into two strangers, had to rely on their memories, because his own failed him. And still he felt the responsibility to make them believe he was doing fine. At least as fine as it could be expected. Not letting them in on the panic he felt at the thought what it would mean if his memory would not return. He was getting tired, truth to be told he felt exhausted and he wanted to be alone. Stifling a yawn he glanced at them through half opened eyes.

"Maybe we should let you get some rest," Beckett suggested and glanced over at Alexis who understandably looked reluctant to leave her father.

He just nodded. He didn't have the strength to form a verbal response, physically nor emotionally.

* * *

><p>When Alexis and Kate left the hospital, they were both exhausted as well. After leaving Castle's room, they had another short chat with Dr. Bernstein, who filled them in on Castle's next steps of rehabilitation. He had told them that he wanted to involve a psychiatrist, but giving Castle's reluctance he had decided to postpone it for a couple of days. Stepping out into the chilly January evening, they walked towards Kate's Crown Vic in silence. They hadn't discussed Alexis' accommodations for the night and while Kate didn't want to impose anything on the girl, they had to discuss it, and she figured now was as good a moment as any. Once they were in the car, she addressed the sensitive topic.<p>

"Alexis, I've been thinking, maybe it's best you come home with me tonight?" she let that hang in the air, afraid that she had already said too much. To her surprise Alexis nodded.

"Okay," Kate said and smiled to herself. That was easier than expected.

Truth to be told, Alexis had dreaded the moment she had to go home to the empty loft. The thought of having to spend the night on her own had scared her and she was more than relieved that Kate had offered her an alternative. She was even more thankful that she hadn't had to ask for it. She already had the feeling that she had asked for way too much, she had left her comfort zone by calling Kate this morning. And in the end she was happy she did, but it didn't mean that she had forgiven or forgotten what had happened during the summer. But just accepting an offer was something she could do. And she really didn't want to be alone right now.

Stepping into her apartment, Kate was suddenly unsure what to do. She walked into the kitchen nervously opening the fridge to produce something to drink for the two of them. Alexis had stopped in her living room glancing around, nervous herself and feeling a bit like an intruder.

Kate walked up to her and offered her a glass of water, "Thank you," Alexis accepted the glass and gestured around, "You're place is really nice." Kate smiled: there she was with Castle's polite daughter, in a dreadful situation like this, and the girl still managed to say something nice about her apartment.

"Thank you," Kate said and gestured for Alexis to have a seat. Alexis sat down on the couch and looked at Kate who hadn't moved. "Are you hungry?" Kate asked so suddenly it felt as if she had been struck by a lightning. "You must be starving?"

Alexis' first impulse was to decline the offer, but then she heard her stomach growl, looking up at Kate who had heard it as well, "I'll take that as a yes."

An hour later they finished the pizza they had ordered and were sitting on the floor against the couch, having fallen into an unexpected comfortable silence. After a short discussion around who would take the couch and who would sleep in Kate's bed, with Kate winning the rights to the couch, she had changed the sheets, handed Alexis a tooth brush, some yoga pants and a shirt to change into, and ushered Alexis towards the bathroom. Jolting the silence, Alexis' phone rang and knowing the ring tone, she dropped everything on Kate's bed and grabbed for it.

"Grams!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Rocket Man Chapter IV  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Since you had to wait so long for chapter 3, I decided to post chapter 4 a bit faster. Thanks for the feeback!<p>

One of my fabulous BBB's challenged me to get the word turtle into this chapter and so I did. ;-)**  
><strong>

And yet again I have to thank my fabulous BBB's. You know I love you!

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p>Kate hung up after she had assured Martha that they would give her frequent updates on her son's condition. It turned out Martha was snowbound in Aspen and didn't know when she would get the chance to leave. The roads were closed, the blizzard had gathered strength and no one knew when it would calm down. She had spent the whole day at the spa, leaving her phone in her room and had been tremendously worried when she had seen the number of missed calls. And of course she wanted more than anything in the world to come home. Kate had to use all of her finesse, but she eventually calmed her down, assuring her that Alexis was as fine as could be expected and that she was more than happy to watch out for her until Martha could return.<p>

Realising she had Alexis' phone in her hand she stepped into the bedroom to find her already asleep. Carefully, she placed the phone on the nightstand and for a moment just stood there, watching her partner's daughter. She had promised him once that she would take care of Alexis, should something happen to him, and she was determined to keep that promise. Kate gently pulled the covers a bit higher and turned off the light, before she retreated to the living room throwing herself down on her couch. She let her mind run through the day's events, which made her realize just how tired she was. This worry for Castle and Alexis was getting to her. She was responsible now. She had to do this right. Yawning Kate reached for the blanket and her pillow, ready to get some much needed sleep. She was about to close her eyes, when her phone rang, sighing she picked it up from the floor and glanced at the screen to see who was calling. She couldn't ignore this one.

"Hi Lanie"

* * *

><p>Kate woke up the next morning and felt it. The scar. It pulled. She must have been lying at a strange angle and surely the couch was not the best place to spend the night anyway, scar or not. Her index finger traced the mark on her side, a constant reminder of how close she had come to losing everything. But unlike the months following the shooting, she felt it gained a new, different meaning. She had survived, even though her chances had been more than grim. She had pulled through. It was testimony to her strength, helping her to acknowledge that she was able to accomplish more that she had given herself credit for, knowing she could be more.<p>

Finally pushing back the blanket, Kate sat up and her gaze drifted towards her bedroom door. It was still early and she had no intention of waking Alexis, thinking she could use all the sleep she could get. Kate decided to run down to the little shop around the corner and get them something for breakfast, since the household of Kate Beckett was not accustomed to catering for unexpected house guests. Pulling on sweat pants and a hoodie she quickly turned on the coffee machine and quietly left her apartment.  
>Alexis had a fitful night. She'd woken several times and only in the early morning hours she had finally fallen into a dreamless and somewhat peaceful sleep. When she opened her eyes three hours later she could smell coffee and something else. Bacon? Eggs? Her lips curled up in a small smile and she slowly made her way out of Kate's bedroom.<p>

"Hi," she said so softly that Kate almost didn't hear it.

"Hey," Kate looked up and smiled.

There they stood, looking at each other; Alexis in the too long shirt that Kate had given to her the night before and Kate in her hoodie that seemed to be so un-Beckett-like to Alexis. Both shy. Both suddenly unsure what etiquette demanded in this kind of situation. Was there even an etiquette for having your partner's daughter staying at your apartment? Before their stare-off could turn into something genuinely awkward Kate found her voice, holding up a pan with scrambled-eggs she asked, "Hungry? I made breakfast." She mentally cringed. What a stupid thing to say - obviously she had made breakfast. But saying something stupid was better than saying nothing at all. At least in this case.  
>Alexis nodded and joined Kate in the kitchen. "Can I help you with anything?" Alexis asked and looked around for something to busy herself with.<p>

"You could pour us some coffee," Kate suggested and smiled.

Carrying their coffee to the table, Alexis sat down opposite Kate and took a good look at the scrambled-eggs and bacon that had been placed in front of her. It was not the first time that she had the opportunity to consume a Kate Beckett breakfast. She remembered the morning almost two years ago when Kate had stayed with them, because some psycho had blown up her apartment. Kate had made breakfast for them, all of them, something no other woman who had ever stayed at the Castles' home had done. She was also the first woman to understand that Rick Castle came as a package deal and obviously didn't mind. Again Alexis wondered why the Detective and her father weren't an item. It's complicated her Dad answered every time she asked. Glancing up at Kate, she wondered what it was that made it so complicated. And she couldn't fight the small sting of anger that rose in her, because whatever was complicated was making her Dad miserable.

Noticing a pair of blue eyes on her, Kate looked up from her bacon and furrowed her eyebrows in a questioning manner.

"It looks delicious," Alexis smiled quickly and was glad that Kate seemed to buy her diversion.

"How did you sleep?" Kate asked after a few minutes of silent eating.

Alexis nodded and swallowed before she answered, "Good," her expression suddenly changed, turning slightly panicked as she searched the room, "What time is it?"

Kate glanced at her phone that was lying next to her plate, "9:30" she said and looked back at Alexis. "Why?"

"School! School started at 8:00," she was already up and starting towards the bedroom, when Kate grabbed her hand and stopped her.

"Alexis, relax! I called them and told them you wouldn't be there today." Kate reassured her.

"You did?" Alexis asked surprised and sat back down.

"Yes. I didn't know when you want to go back, so I said we would call again later today," Kate went on.

"You called my school?" Alexis questioned again and Kate started to feel uneasy. Maybe she shouldn't have just assumed…

"Alexis, I didn't …," she paused. "I mean I'm sorry if I imposed!"

"No! No!" Alexis shook her head, "It's just … Thank you!" It was not more than a whisper and Kate wasn't sure what to make of it.

"Alexis?" her hand reached out and covered the smaller one on the table.

Alexis' eyes locked with Kate's and the older woman could see the tears that threatened to fall. She didn't understand why her calling the school meant so much.

"Thank you," Alexis repeated and reclaimed her hand. "I think I'll go and get dressed."

Kate nodded and watched the girl retreat to the bedroom, wondering what just had happened.

* * *

><p>They stepped out of the elevator on the fourth floor of the hospital two hours later. On their way over they had stopped at the loft. They had decided that until Martha's return, Alexis would stay at Kate's apartment, so she had packed some clothes and things for school, all set to check-in with Kate. Normally Alexis would have been reluctant to spend more than one night at Kate's, but after the breakfast incident she had decided to give her a chance. It was almost ridiculous that a small gesture like calling her school could make such a difference, but it did. It showed that Kate cared, that unlike her own mother, her father's partner gave her a sense of safety. While at the loft Kate had a flash of thought and voiced the idea to pack some things for Castle as well, and while Alexis went to his bedroom to pack some shirts, flannel pants and underwear, Kate grabbed his IPod that she spotted on the kitchen counter. Turning around, her view fell on the book shelves. Maybe he would like to read one of his books? she thought. Her index fingers traced the line of books and lingered on the first of the Nikki Heat novels. She was tempted, but then, shaking her head, reached for two of his Derek Storm's, tucking them under her arm. Alexis returned, sports bag in hand and shooting Kate a smile when she saw the books and the IPod. She held out the bag for Kate to place the items in.<p>

"All set," Alexis stated after one last look in the bag and walked towards the door. Kate followed, picking up Alexis' bag on the way. They were already at the elevator when Alexis suddenly spun around and headed back to the apartment shouting, "I'll be right back!" over her shoulder. Kate frowned but held the elevator.

He had been waiting for them, rather impatiently if the nurses' reactions were anything to go by. Although he was still feeling nervous and awkward in the whole situation, he was looking forward to seeing them. He was lonely, and bored, and honestly, what else did he have to look forward to… So when he heard the redeeming knock on his door, he very eagerly called out, "Come In!"

The first thing they both noted – he looked better. The colour had returned to his cheeks and there was a lightness to his eyes that hadn't been there the day before. "Hey," he greeted them and smiled from one woman to the other, happy that not only his daughter was here but that the Detective had chosen to join them again. He felt better than the day before. Better than a couple of hours ago when he had made his first trip to the bathroom since he had been admitted, staring at a stranger in the mirror. It had put him off balance, not knowing if he saw himself or someone else. But he had pulled it together, repeating his mantra: It only happened yesterday. He had to be patient and he was up for some company.

"How are you doing, Dad?" Alexis asked and pulled one of the chairs to his side. Kate stayed put at the end of his bed, smiling at father and daughter.

"Better," he said and then tapped his head, "But in here it's still blank." He shrugged apologetically as if it was his fault that he couldn't remember. For him it felt that way. He felt guilty for not remembering, especially for not remembering his daughter and, he glanced at the woman straight ahead of him, her. He sensed that getting to know her again would be much harder than reconnecting with his daughter. There was something mysterious about her, and a sadness in her green eyes he couldn't grasp. Right now, however, she was smiling the most beautiful smile he had ever seen, at him. Then again it was one of the first smiles he had seen so far as he could remember. Still, he would not forget this one, the one that made his heart do funny things. Where was a doctor when you needed one. He looked back at his daughter to memorize the other smile he did not want to forget again.

"Grams called," his daughter said suddenly, and he needed a second before he was with her and gave her look that told her to go on, "She's snowbound." she continued, sounding slightly amused, which gave her the most adorable look and made his heart pound with pride and something else. "She doesn't know when she can come back."

"Oh, that's …," Oh! He felt a stab of guilt and embarrassment. How could he have been so irresponsible? Not once had he thought about arrangements for his daughter. With him in the hospital and his mother away, his teenaged daughter was alone and he had not once thought about asking if there was someone to look out for her. "Geez, I'm sorry, Alexis!"

She gave him a puzzled look, "For what?"

He took her hand and squeezed it, "For not taking care of you, getting you a place to stay. I should have thought of it. You shouldn't be alone while your grandmother is gone."

Alexis grinned, "Dad, I have a place to stay. I'm staying with Detective Beckett."

"You do? You are?" His brows shot up and his gaze shifted to Beckett.

Kate nodded another smile on her lips, a different one, more subtle than the first.

"Still I should have asked," he sounded deeply concerned and Kate was touched by it. Here was this man that just yesterday had been struck by a car, broken his arm and lost his memory and he felt sorry for not making arrangements for his daughter.

"You did ask," she said gently, "a long time ago."

"I did?" he frowned at her, not sure if she was just saying this to reassure him.

"You did. Don't worry, it's all settled." She sounded serious and the determined look in her eyes told him she was not making this up. He was relieved that he obviously could tell a lie from the truth. He was still anxious about relying on other people's input. He didn't like it and yet he had no other choice.

"Thank you," he gave her one of those genuine smiles, the ones he reserved for her even if he didn't know that, and she couldn't help but smile in return.

Alexis chose the moment to interrupt their smiling contest to ask how long her father would have to stay at the hospital.

"A couple of days," he said and then updated them on what Dr. Bernstein had told him after his round in the morning. Once more he made sure that it was okay with Detective Beckett that Alexis stayed with her for a couple of days, before they indulged in some light chit-chat, being careful Castle did not over-do it. In the early afternoon Alexis made a trip to the cafeteria for some coffee, leaving the two adults alone. Kate was now sitting next to Castle and feeling more than a bit nervous to be left alone with him. He had been studying her and she had been pretending not to notice, avoiding his questioning eyes since they had arrived. But now she feared that he would address openly whatever had been bothering him.

"So," he said and grinned at her.

"So?" she questioned back.

"Alexis told me that we have been doing this for almost four years," he stated and gestured between the two of them.

This? What did he mean? What had Alexis told him? She felt her cheeks blushing and tried to come up with an insignificant answer to that. He must have sensed her discomfort, noticed the slight panic reflected in her eyes before he added, "What I meant is me shadowing you."

"Oh," she sounded relieved, "Yes, that would be right."

"Am I annoying?" he asked and she swore she saw that familiar twinkle in his eyes and so she went for it.

"You have no idea!" she rolled her eyes and he found himself enjoying it as much as he had the day before.

"That would be correct!" he said and she took in sharp breath, shocked that she had actually said that.

"Castle, I'm sorry! I didn't," she stopped mid-sentence, when she heard him chuckle and then wince. His hand reached up and pressed against his forehead.

"Ouch!"

"Serves you right!" Kate smirked, but it faded when she saw his crystal blues directed at her, giving her this piercing glare that made her fear she was an open book to him. She looked away, trying to busy herself with something else, starting to fumble with his covers. He studied her, her long, slender fingers, so nervous, her caramel waves dancing around her delicate features and those eyes. Those beautiful eyes. He thought it was funny that under the given circumstances at least right now, she was the nervous one.

"Kate," the soft sound of her name coming from his lips, made her look at him, "You and me…," he didn't get to finish his thought, because right then his door was pushed open and a nurse breezed in.

"Hello Mr. Castle!" the nurse greeted him with a friendly smile and then looked at Beckett, "I see you have a visitor. I won't keep you long." She nodded at Kate and handed Castle some pills which he obediently swallowed. She shortly checked the back of his head, making sure that the dressing on the wound was still good and then reached for his wrist to take his pulse. "All good!" she declared satisfied. "Anything else I can do for you?" she asked.

"No, thank you!" Castle declined and gave her a friendly smile.

"All set then. I'll check in again later!" She nodded a goodbye towards Beckett and disappeared again.

"She's nice," Kate stated, lacking a better approach to get back on track. Away from topics that hit too close to home.

"Yeah, Mrs. Turtle is a sweetheart," he confirmed, grinning from ear to ear.

"Is that her real name?" she frowned.

"No, but it should be!" she laughed along and he was right; She looked a bit like a turtle.

* * *

><p>Kate and Alexis sat at the kitchen table, eating Chinese take-out that they had picked up on their way home from the hospital. Alexis had declared that she would like to go back to school the next day and Kate had offered to drop her off in the morning, before she went into the precinct. Alexis had smiled, but said that she would be fine taking the subway and after that they had fallen into a some what easy silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Kate was happy Alexis was obviously beginning to feel more comfortable around her and that she was opening up a bit, some of the tension she had felt during their previous encounters gone. Maybe this was their chance to leave what happened during the summer behind them. She sure hoped so.<p>

Alexis was secretly studying her new roommate, a question nagging at her. "Detective Beckett?"

Kate met her eyes and nodded.

"Is it true? Had he really asked you?" she questioned shyly; not sure she had the right to ask. Kate frowned, needing a second to understand what Alexis was getting at when she suddenly nodded.

"Yes, he did," she answered honestly.

"When?"

"You remember the mummy case?" Kate asked and had to grin at the memory.

"Where dad was cursed?" Alexis lips curled up in a smile.

"Yeah. You're dad got a bit freaked out and he asked me to watch out for you if anything ever happened to him."

"And you said yes?" It was something between a question and a statement.

"I did," Kate confirmed quietly.

"That was almost two years ago," Alexis realized.

"Yes, I think so," Kate nodded, not understanding the significance. Alexis didn't elaborate instead she got up and cleared the dishes in silence. When everything had been stored away she stood in the kitchen and looked a bit unsure.

"I think I'll turn in early," she finally said. "I have some reading to do for school," she explained and then turned towards the bedroom, but stopped to turn around once more. "You're sure you're okay on the couch? I could …."

"I'm fine, Alexis," Kate reassured her and waved her off, "Sleep tight!"

Alexis smiled and nodded, "Good night, Kate!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Rocket Man Chapter V  
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><p>Wow, I can't say how greatful I am for all the reviews and story alerts etc. You make me all very happy! THANK YOU!<p>

Marjo's challenge for this chapter was: "You crazy bitch are just trying to get into my house." Since Martha used the "b" word in Cops & Robbers I decided it is safe to use it. **  
><strong>

And yet again I have to thank my fabulous BBB's. You are awesome and your input means a lot to me!

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p>She walked up to the crime scene alone and missed him. Not because she wasn't used to be working without him, it had happened before, but this time was different. She tried to shake off the feeling of loneliness that tugged at her heart, hoping it wasn't obvious, that she could keep it her secret. The call came in during her breakfast with Alexis. <em>Yet Another Castle who made sure she was fed.<em>The detective was normally not one to waste time on ingesting solid food in the morning, but with her partner's daughter around she wanted to set a good example. She had given Alexis an apologetic look when she had to leave in a hurry. But Alexis had just grinned saying that she was used to it. The only difference; normally Beckett was the one to call.

"What have we got?" she asked, crouching down next to Lanie, keeping her eyes fixed on the victim, hoping that the M.E. would get the message that she did not want to talk about Castle right now, not here.

Lanie shot her a quizzical look but obviously understood the silent plea, "White female, between 25 and 35."

"COD?" Kate asked, but was almost sure she knew the answer, when she saw the marks.

"The marks on the victim's throat indicate that she has been strangled to death from behind. I'd say with some kind of wire. See the cut mark? They are lower at the front, turning slightly upwards towards the ears," she pointed her finger at the red line around the victim's neck, Kate nodded. The line indicated that someone had stood behind the victim, placed the wire around her throat and then had pulled upwards.

"Must have been someone bigger than her," Kate mumbled to herself.

Lanie nodded, "And strong. She put up one hell of a fight."

Kate sighed and looked at the woman's face. _Too young to die_. "Do you have TOD?"

"I'd put time of death between 10:00 last night and 04:00 this morning for now. I should be able to narrow it down once …."

"Once you get her back to the lab," Kate nodded, her lips in a firm line. "Thanks Lanie."

She stood up, searching for Ryan and Esposito who stood at the other end of the alley, interested in something Esposito had picked up.

"Found something?" Beckett called out before she was half way there and the boys turned around, Esposito holding up the object they had pulled from a dumpster. A handbag.

When she reached them Ryan was already studying a passport, "The victim's name is Maren Leichsenring," he said, a funny look on his face, while he tried to pronounce the name correctly, "28 year old German."

"A tourist?" Beckett questioned and sighed when Ryan nodded. She could sense that this would be a tough one. Dealing with foreign authorities was never easy.

"Stamp from passport control says she arrived two days ago on a tourist visa," he handed Beckett the passport to have a look. She studied the picture. There was no doubt that the woman in the picture was their victim.

"Yo Beckett," Esposito got her attention. "Looks like she was at the MET last night." He handed her piece of paper, which turned out to be a ticket to last night's performance of Manon.

"Anything else? Wallet, hotel key, phone?" she asked and handed the ticket and the passport back to Ryan. Both men shook their heads. "No just the passport and the ticket," Ryan said. "Other than that the bag is empty. Looks like a robbery."

"Could be," she stated not willing to rule anything out just yet and contemplating their next moves, "Okay, you guys, call passport control, she must have given an address on the ESTA form when she entered and I hardly doubt that she was here on her own, so look into the MP reports as well, maybe someone already reported her missing," she was already turning towards her car, "Oh and go to the MET, maybe someone else bought the ticket, see if she was with someone."

Esposito shot Ryan a look and then called out after her, a smug grin on his face, "And what are you doing, boss?"

She regarded him with squinted eyes, not missing his tone, "I will fill Gates in and contact the German consulate. Someone needs to inform her family."

With one last look at the dead body she left the crime scene and got into her car.

* * *

><p>Beckett parked her Crown Vic on 41st Street right at the stage door of the New Amsterdam Theatre. The victim's hotel was just across the street. Esposito had texted her to meet him and Ryan there, while she had been waiting at the German consulate. Much to her surprise Gates had not wanted to contact the German authorities herself. She was just getting out of the car, when her eyes caught on a chimney sweep leaning against the brick back wall of the theatre, cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. <em>Oh that's right, they were playing Mary Poppins here.<em>She started across the street when her phone beeped, announcing a text. Beckett read the message from Alexis, telling her the red-head was planning to visit her father after school, and asking Kate to join her. Not knowing when she might be able to wrap it up for the day, she typed a quick reply, telling Alexis she would try.

"How did it go at the consulate?" Ryan asked when she had crossed the street and stopped next to them.

She shrugged, "They forwarded it to the authorities in her home town of Flensburg. They will call us." It was not very satisfying but there was nothing she could do about it. Nothing but wait.

"Where's Flensburg?" Ryan frowned.

"Somewhere in the north, close to Denmark," Beckett answered dryly and then started towards the hotel entrance, "Let's go." pushing through the swinging doors into the lobby and heading towards the front desk.

Ten minutes later they stood in a middle class one-bed hotel room, nothing fancy, but nice. They had learned their victim indeed had been staying here alone and since it was a small hotel they were lucky that the concierge actually remembered her.

"She checked in two days ago. She was definitely alone and I don't think she knew any of the other guests," he said standing in the doorway and looking incredibly pale. "She seemed to be nice."

"Can you tell us when Miss Leichsenring," this time Beckett struggled with the pronunciation,"left yesterday night?" she questioned.

"Yes, she dropped her key around 06:00 pm. I remember, because she told me, she was one of the fortunate ones to have a ticket for the sold out performance of Manon."

"Is it that hard to get tickets for the MET?" Esposito had to admit he had never been to the opera.

"Anna Netrebko was singing!" the concierge stated as if that was answer enough. Beckett saw Espo's blank expression and took mercy on him.

"She's currently the world's most famous soprano. Tickets cost up to $400, even higher on the black market." she elaborated where the concierge had left off.

"How do you know so much about opera?" Esposito frowned, giving her a pointed look.

Beckett ignored his question, turning her attention towards the concierge she thanked him and waited until he had left them alone, before she turned around to have a closer look at the room. It looked tidy, but not too tidy - in other words, totally unsuspicious. She doubted that someone had been in here since Maren Leichsenring had left it the night before.

"Beckett!" she looked over to Ryan who held up a laptop. She walked over, flipping it open and turning it on, they waited only to see that they needed a password. "Get it to the techs," she said and switched it off again. Other than the laptop there was nothing of interest in the room and they left shortly after. They would leave the rest to CSU. She had hoped to find the victim's phone, but at least the concierge was able to give her the number. She would let the techs track it down.

Leaning against her desk, she studied the murder board. Not much to look at so far. The boys' trip to the MET was more or less a bust. The victim had purchased the ticket via the internet, but contrary to her hopes it had been a single ticket after all. She still waited for the call from German authorities but figured that due to the time difference they wouldn't call until tomorrow.

Her view fell on the chair, normally occupied by her writer. Yes,_ her_writer, her partner. She had stopped denying that a long time ago, frankly since the day she had proposed to be a one writer girl. She realized how much she really wanted to see him, how much she missed having him around, building theories with him and she wondered if it was ever going to be like that again. Someone plopped down next to her and handed her a cup of coffee, "I know its not Castle coffee, but I thought you could use one."

Her lips curled up into a small smile, "Thanks Espo. I'm sure it's fine."

"So, how's he doing?" Esposito asked, while keeping his eyes on the murder board.

She shrugged, she wasn't sure if there was a right answer to that question, "He's still Castle."

Her partner smirked, "That's a good thing, I suppose."

She regarded him with silence, grateful that he didn't push her to fathom what it all meant to her. If she thought about it, it might change things; for better or worse. They sat in silence until Ryan came running into the bullpen, laptop in hand he called out to them, "Guys! Techs cracked the password."

He placed the laptop on Beckett's desk, "Nothing interesting on it as far as I can tell, but most of it is German so we need someone to translate that stuff for us," he said. "She has a Facebook account and the techs were able to get us the login information as well. Again mostly in German, but some English entries as well."

"Any news on the phone?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's turned off. Techs couldn't track it," he shrugged, knowing that this wasn't what she wanted to hear.

Beckett glanced at her watch and sighed, "Okay, lets call it a day; we probably won't get anywhere tonight. I think Lubowksi from Burglary speaks German, I'll ask him tomorrow to give it a look." She handed Ryan the computer to return it to Evidence.

"And the phone?" Esposito questioned.

"I will ask the Germans if the can get us the phone records, tomorrow." She added and sighed. Another obstacle.

"Are you going to visit Castle?" Esposito asked when they all started gathering their stuff.

"Yes, I'll head over now." There was still enough time to pay him a short visit before visiting hours were over.

"Say hi from us!" Ryan grinned on his way out. She looked at him, her face brightening as she nodded.

* * *

><p>When she entered his room twenty minutes later she knew Alexis had already left. The girl had sent her another text, telling her she was meeting her at the apartment. She couldn't help but consider they last days she had spent with Alexis as progress. They were getting somewhere and although she wasn't sure where exactly, she felt that some of the anger Alexis had addressed towards her, some of the pain Kate had inflicted had subsided.<p>

She had knocked and when she didn't get an answer she quietly walked up to him. His eyes were closed, a troubled expression gracing his features and for a moment she thought about leaving again. Before she could act on her impulse she heard him mumble her name, his voice gruff. She turned back towards him and her face lit up, when she saw his blue eyes fixated on her.

His daughter's visit had exhausted him. He had seen the hope in her eyes when she had entered the room, and had watched it vanish when she realized that nothing had changed. He still didn't remember. It was pushing on him, all those questions and stories of a life that didn't feel like his own. A life he couldn't imagine was his. He feared he just wouldn't live up to the expectations.

"Hey, how are you doing?" she asked and stepped to his side not sure if she could or should touch him. He tried to smile, but she could tell that it was forced a one, a mask. "What's wrong?"

"My head hurts like hell," he admitted finally, deciding to keep his fears to himself and closed his eyes again. Trying to will the throbbing away and hoping that those other feelings would vanish with them.

"Do you want me to go?" she asked, sounding unsure.

"No! No. Please stay. They already gave me something, it should be better soon. Just tell me something." he sounded almost pleading, how could she say no to that, "Nothing about me, just tell me about your day?"

She shook her head, slightly amused at his wording. He sounded like a caring husband, she realised, and at that thought the amusement left her face to be replaced by a nervous twitch. She should not think like this, but ever since Ryan's wedding and her third time's the charm comment, she had wondered if the future might hold that for them. Marriage. Even though she wasn't anywhere near ready for this kind of commitment, still she couldn't banish the thought. Pulling a chair to his side that was normally occupied by Alexis, she considered where to start. How was her day? She wasn't used to telling him, normally he was there. He moved a bit further down the bed and turned slightly towards her, his left arm secured in its sling on his stomach. Resting on his good arm, his palm facing up, inviting, but she resisted the need to slip her hand into his.

"Alexis told me you have a case," he mumbled into the cushion and then winced, a small groan escaping his lips.

"That bad?" she asked and without permission her left hand started to softly stroke his head, drawing small gentle circles on his scalp. He sighed, his eyes shut tightly, "Feels good," he mumbled. They sat in silence for a while, Beckett's finger continuing her ministration, when Castle suddenly chuckled, his left eye suddenly looking at her and she could see the sparkle in them.

"What?" she asked, her eyebrow shooting up.

"You, crazy bitch, are just trying to get into my house!" he said out of nowhere and Kate pulled her hand away.

"Excuse me?" she was shocked.

"Not you!" he raised his head, both eyes now turned towards her, the pain temporally forgotten, "That's what my mother told my ex-wife," he thought for a second, "Gina. She told her on the phone today." He chuckled again.

"What? Why?" she didn't understand.

"Apparently this Gina wanted to inform the press about this," he gestured at his head. "And she had the obviously not so great idea of taking care of Alexis until my mother's return."

"Oh," was all Kate could come up with.

His grin even widened, "And then my mother told her exactly what she thought about that." He placed his head back on the pillow and Kate's hand came back to massage his head again, without asking permission.

"Sounds like something your mother would say," she smirked and could see his lips twitch.

"That's what I figured," he grinned, eyes closing.

They stayed like this, Kate sharing her day and Castle listening. For once she was the talker and he the listener. At some point she realized that his breath had evened out. He had fallen asleep, the tense expression gone from his face, replaced by a sweet look of contentment.

She watched him for a little while longer, seeking comfort in his features, until she finally left him to rest.

Opening the door to her apartment, a wonderful smell assaulted her senses. Frowning, she entered further and found Alexis behind the stove, peering into one of the pots in front of her. Looking up she beamed at the Detective.

"Hi Kate!"

"Hey, what's going on?" Kate asked amused. She didn't even know she owned so many pots.

"I'm making dinner," Alexis declared and Kate chuckled.

"I can see that."

"I hope you'll like it," Alexis looked expectantly at the older woman, hoping that Kate wasn't upset with her taking over the kitchen like this. Kate stepped to her side and peered into the pots herself.

"It smells delicious," she said approvingly. "But Alexis, you don't have to do this." Kate didn't want the teenager to feel obligated to contribute anything to their living arrangement.

"I know," Alexis looked at her, suddenly serious, "But I wanted to."

"Okay," Kate nodded slowly, again having trouble reading the girl but couldn't help the warm feeling that spread inside her, hoping her voice didn't give away her inner turmoil she looked around for something to keep her occupied while she cleared her throat, "I'll set the table?" This was not the time to get sentimental.

Alexis nodded, already handing her the plates.

Dinner was delicious and conversation light. Alexis talked about school and visiting her father, including Martha's outburst and adding a few more details. She did not mention Castle being in any pain when she left and so Kate decided not to bring it up, she did not want to worry her, when Alexis seemed to be at ease for once. Kate shared a bit of their case, knowing that Castle frequently discussed cases with his daughter, but refrained from going too much into detail.

After finishing their dinner, they started to clear the dishes together, working in a comfortable silence. Kate was surprised how easy it was to have Alexis around. Since college she had always lived alone and liked it, but she couldn't deny it was nice to have someone waiting for you after a rough day, and on top of that being served a delicious dinner with light conversation. It reminded her of the evenings she had spent with her parents, so many years ago. And for once the memory did not make her sad, but put a small smile on her face.

"So what are your plans for tonight?" Alexis pulled her from her thoughts.

Kate remembered the login information for the victim's Facebook account. She had scribbled them down at the precinct to have a look at tonight. "Actually I was planning to work. Have a look at our victim's Facebook profile. But it's probably all in German so I'm not sure what I can get out of it." Kate answered, while putting the last glass into the dishwasher.

"I could help," Alexis offered. "Three years of German with Frau Sonnenberg must be good for something."

"You sure?" Kate questioned, she didn't want to keep Alexis from whatever plans she might have had.

"Yeah, absolutely!" Alexis confirmed excited and already started for Kate's computer.

Kate smiled and followed. She might not have _Big_ Castle but_ Little_ Castle was certainly a good temporarily replacement.


	6. Chapter 6

**Rocket Man Chapter VI  
><strong>

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><p>I can't say it enough. Thanks for the feedback!<p>

We have some case stuff coming up and a game changer. ;-)

Marjo's challenge for this chapter was: **Unagi and DANGER!** Who thinks this sounds familiar?**  
><strong>

And yet again I have to thank my fabulous BBB's. You are awesome and your input means a lot to me!

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p>He woke knowing she was gone, but still feeling the touch of her fingers on his head. He remembered the tenderness of her ministrations and the way it had soothed him. He would treasure those feelings that had made him forget about the throbbing in his head, made him forget how frustrating it was not to remember. Rolling over he glanced at his watch that lay on the nightstand. 9:30pm. He wasn't sure how long he had been asleep, but his head felt better and he knew he owed it all to her. He wondered, not for the first time, what exactly was going on between them. He'd hoped she might shed some light on their relationship when they were alone, had even thought about asking her, but something held him back. Something in her eyes told him he had to be careful, that whatever they had was complicated, fragile. He sighed, knowing he wouldn't fall back to sleep anytime soon, as he felt the restlessness return together with the doubt and fear. He needed a distraction and he knew they had brought him some of his own books, he just had to get the bag out of the closet. Castle pushed the covers aside with his good arm, and started walking towards the closet. He remembered they had brought him some of his own clothes, and was glad he could wear those comfortable cotton PJ's instead of the horrible hospital gowns which left too much out in the open for his taste. He passed the mirror hanging on the wall, and stopped to stare into it, looking at the face that greeted him. It was still hard to believe it was his own reflection, when all he could see was a stranger staring back at him. He felt the anger that slowly crept to the surface, felt the patience he had tried to maintain over the past days slipping. His right fist smashed into the wall right next to the image that seemed to laugh at him cruelly. He felt tears of frustration burning behind his eyes, but did not let them fall. He couldn't dare to, because it would rip him apart if he did.<p>

Instead he fetched the bag from the closet, sitting back down on the bed to start sifting through it. How long was he supposed to stay here? The girls had packed clothes for at least two weeks it seemed. He knew he was being unreasonable but he was offended by it. A few minutes ago he was fine and now he could feel it flare inside of him again, close to exploding. Taking a few deep breaths, his fingers closed around the books, pulling them out, and he studied the covers. The first one was a Derek Storm novel, the character he had killed off before he had met Detective Beckett, remembering what his daughter had told him. The second one was another Derek Storm, but the third cover really caught his attention. It was a silhouette of a naked woman. The first Nikki Heat novel. They hadn't mentioned packing this one in as well.

His decision was made before he really thought about it. Abandoning the Derek Storm novels, he crawled back into bed and took a careful first peek into Heat Wave. Turning onto the page with the dedication, he read: _To the extraordinary KB_. He read it again, just to make sure it was really there. _What was he missing? What was it they were keeping from him? The flame flared higher and higher._

* * *

><p>Kate stared at Maren Leichsenring's Facebook profile, confusion written all over her face. She wasn't into this whole social networking thing and didn't know where to start.<p>

"So, what do you suggest?" she turned and asked Alexis, since Castle's daughter seemed to know a lot more about this.

Alexis gave her a surprised look, "Me?"

"Yes you," Kate grinned. "You seem to be an expert at this."

Alexis expression turned from surprised to excited and she moved closer to have a better look. "So you want to know if the victim might have met with someone, right?"

Kate nodded, "Yes and anything else that might help us figure out what happened."

"Okay, so we should check her Wall first." Alexis suggested and already clicked on the button with the victim's name.

"Wall?" Kate frowned. _She really needed to catch up with technology._

"You're really not into this, are you?" Alexis smirked at Kate, who shook her head and started nibbling on her bottom lip. "Okay I'll give you a quick Facebook 101." She didn't even stop for Kate to nod she just dove right in. "So you have your personal wall, where you can post what you are doing, where you are, how you are, whatever you want. And all your friends can read it, comment on it or leave you a thought or greeting."

"That sounds a lot like Twitter," Kate said and already knew why she didn't like it. She was a private person, she did not want everyone to know what's going on in her life.

"Yeah sort of," Alexis agreed. "But while Twitter is mainly designed to let the whole world know what's going on, Facebook is a bit more private, at least if you want it to be. You decide who your friends are and who you want to see your entries."

Alexis looked at Kate, checking to see if the Detective was following her before she continued, "In addition you can also add photos, create whole albums and share those with your friends. You can create events, invite people and you can exchange messages. Okay?"

"Yep," Kate nodded, sorting the things she had learned once more.

Alexis brought them back to the Wall and they where faced with a laughing version of the victim. A young woman embracing life on a yacht somewhere out on the ocean. A sudden rush of sadness overcame Kate and she could see that Alexis felt the same.

"She looks happy," Alexis mumbled, realizing she used the present tense, she turned quiet.

Kate glanced at the teenager next to her, her hand coming to rest on Alexis', "You don't have to do this." She said gently.

But Alexis shook her head, "I want to help." she said determined and Kate could only admire her. Castle had raised a very special young woman.

"Okay what does the wall tell us?" Kate turned her attention back to the computer, while Alexis started to scroll down the page, studying the entries. Some were in English, some in German. Alexis finally stopped scrolling her expression one of pure concentration. "Two days ago she posted that she arrived safely and that she's looking forward to see Manon." She pointed towards the entry, written in German and as an after thought she added, "I really like Massenet, especially Manon."

Kate looked surprised, and then smiled, "Me too."

They exchanged a knowing look, as if being members of some secret club, before Alexis continued. "After that she just bookmarked some Starbucks shops that she visited."

"What about the comments?" Kate asked and watched Alexis click at the comment button under the post. She took a minute to read the posts until she shook her head.

"Just numerous versions of '_Have fun_'." She stated and moved the cursor to the home button and then clicked on messages. Kate let her take the lead and waited for her to read through some of the messages. "This might be something," she suddenly exclaimed and pointed at the latest message she had opened.

"What does it say?" Kate asked and moved a bit closer to the screen. An excited tingle ran though her veins, the same she always felt when she was on to something.

"This Petra writes that she's looking forward to seeing Maren in New York," she skimmed a bit further. "She obviously had tickets for the opera as well." Alexis suddenly fist punched the air, causing Kate to chuckle, this was way too Castle.

"What?" she asked amused.

"Petra Kröger is staying at the Marriott Hotel on Times Square and she's staying for a whole week." Alexis leant back in her chair, regarding Kate with a satisfied grin. Again way too Castle.

"Are you sure?" Kate asked and looked from the computer to Alexis and back.

"That's what she wrote," Alexis confirmed.

"That is great!" Kate beamed. "Good work," she raised her hand for Alexis to high-five it, while they grinned at each other. "Thank you Alexis, that really helps a lot."

"I'm glad I could help." And then she stifled a yawn.

"Time for bed, huh?" Kate suggested.

"I guess," Alexis agreed and got up. "Night Kate."

"Night," Alexis was already at the door when Kate called out after her, "And Alexis! Thanks for dinner, it was delicious."

Alexis closed the door behind her and for a moment leant against it. Maybe it was time to let those feelings go. Maybe it was time to forgive.

* * *

><p>Beckett was the first to arrive at the precinct the next morning, eager to follow the new lead and to talk to Petra Kröger to see if she could help them to find out what had happened to Maren Leichsenring. Placing her bag under her desk she noticed the post-it that had been taped to her computer. She took it and grabbed for the phone when she realized what it was about. After waiting to be put through, she finally talked to one of the Officers that was working Castle's accident. After a short but informative call, she learned that the driver of a Mercedes had simply overlooked Castle who had crossed the street, taking full responsibility and things would go from there. She thanked the Officer and hung up, just in time to see Ryan walk into the bullpen, nose deep into a new book.<p>

"What are you reading?" she asked when he stopped at his desk.

"Morning," he held up the book for her to see the cover, "The concept of Unagi."

"The what?" she regarded him with a blank expression on her face and could see him getting excited.

"It's about being in total balance with yourself to be prepared for any kind of suddenness that might come your way. Unexpectedly."

_Suddenness?_

"Huh?" was all she could come up with.

"I'll show you," he said and pointed towards the men's restroom, knowing Esposito would come out of it any minute. He quickly hid behind the break room door and waited, placing his index finger over his lips to signal her to not give him away. She waited. Sure enough Esposito walked up to his desk, greeting Beckett and oblivious to Ryan's plan. When he was about to sit down, Ryan shot out of the break room, yelling. "DANGER!"

Esposito almost jumped out of his skin, letting out a scream that was Castle-worthy and shooting around he barked, "Ryan, what the hell!"

"Yeah Ryan, what the hell?" Beckett could hardly suppress the laugh that threatened to escape.

"That was a lesson in the importance of Unagi. See, if Espo here had Unagi, he wouldn't have screamed like a little girl!" Ryan stated, obviously satisfied to have proven his point only to wince a second later when Esposito head-slapped him.

That was it. She couldn't hold it any longer and she laughed, shaking her head at the two boys in front of her. "You two."

"Would someone care to explain what's going on in here?" they were brought back to reality, when three sets of eyes shot to Gates who was standing in her door way. She glared at each of them, "No one? Then I suggest we all get back to work, if I'm correct you have a case to solve."

"Yes, sir!" Beckett nodded but shot another smirk towards the boys when Gates had turned around again.

"So really? Unagi?" Esposito glared at his partner. "That sounds like Sushi."

"I bet Gates does have Unagi," Ryan grinned.

"You can discuss that on our way to the Marriott." Beckett stated.

"You found something?" Ryan questioned.

"Actually Alexis did," she said, pride and something else in her voice they had never heard before. "Let's go!"

They followed her to the elevator, Esposito leaning towards Ryan as he mumbled, "What's with Beckett sounding all maternal."

"Zip it, Espo!"

* * *

><p>They met Petra Kröger in the lobby, the elder woman was shocked by the news and they had to guide her to one of the armchairs, crowding the lobby. Beckett sat next to her and waited until the woman had composed herself.<p>

"Mrs. Kröger how did you know Miss Leichsenring?" she gently asked and the other woman lifted her head to look at the Detective.

"I saw Maren two years ago in Salzburg, first time," the woman's English was broken and they could all hear that she was nervous, but she declined the offer to wait for a interpreter. "We go to the Festspiele. Romeo & Juliet by Gounod with Anna Netrebko and Piotr Bezcala. She is nice young woman and we ate together that evening. We are friends since then," she seemed to search for words, "Facebook, you know?" Kate nodded. "We go to opera all around the world together."

"What happened on Thursday?" Beckett pushed but still gentle.

"We go to opera together, with Juan, he's friend from Spain. Manon."

"And after the opera?" Kate needed to know what happened after the performance.

"Juan and I, we go for dinner, aber … but Maren, she visit a friend." Petra Kröger said and this got Beckett's attention.

"A friend? Do you know the name?" she asked.

The woman shook her head, "She seemed to be …," again she searched for the right word and when she couldn't find it, she threw her hands up and made a joyful face.

"Excited?" Kate suggested and Petra Kröger nodded.

"Yes, excited! That is what I know. We want to meet tomorrow, so I'm not concerned to not hear from her."

They covered some other basics for their timeline, noted Juan Sarazibar's hotel and phone number and finally thanked the woman for her cooperation and left.

"So, a mysterious friend?" Ryan stated and looked at the other two Detectives.

"Yeah, let's see what Mr. Sarazibar can tell us about that," Beckett stated and let the way towards their car.

They were getting in when Beckett's phone rang, picking up she stilled just outside the car.

"Beckett," her partners watched her listening and then ending the call with. "I'll be right there."

Leaning into the car she tossed the keys at Esposito, "You guys, go and see Mr. Sarazibar. I'll take a taxi and head back to the precinct. Video conference with the Germans." She explained.

"Video conference?" Ryan popped his head through the opening between driver's and passenger's seat, "A phone call wouldn't do?"

"Welcome to the new world," Beckett shrugged and raised her hand in a 'See-you-later" kind of way, before she got into one of the taxi waiting right in front of the Marriot.

* * *

><p>He put the book aside, not knowing what to do with the emotions that were swirling through him. He had finished Heat Wave and was faced with a new level of doubt. Was it all fiction? Surely not, he was shadowing her, so that part was true. So was the Nikki Heat on paper Kate Beckett, and was he Jameson Rook and did this mean they were they were what? And the part about Nikki's murdered mother. Was that the cause of the sadness in her eyes, was it true as well that she lost her mother in this cruel and barbaric way? He needed to know. And yet he was afraid. Wouldn't she have told him if they actually were something? And if they were, why didn't she? He felt a sting of betrayal rising up in him. He had been ready to trust them, but now there was doubt. And he knew he couldn't ask her. She would shy away like she did on that first day at the hospital when he had made that ambivalent comment about them going on for almost four years. And it would get him nowhere. He would have to ask his daughter. He needed to know.<p>

* * *

><p>Beckett stepped out of the conference room, Gates at her side, her head spinning. Of course their victim was the daughter of an important politician so authorities were more than eager to be involved as much as possible in the investigation. As an upside she would get the phone records in the next hour. She had learned some more about their victim, but nothing that looked like a breakthrough. They would need to keep looking, with increased pressure from the outside. Just what she needed right now: Someone peeking over her shoulder.<p>

Surprisingly Gates followed her to her desk and Beckett raised a surprised eyebrow at her superior.

"It's politics, Beckett. Don't let it get to you. It's not your business to put up with that, it's mine. You do your job. I'll take care of the rest." She said and returned to her office.

Beckett's eyes followed her until they were drawn to her phone, announcing a call from Martha.

"Hey, Martha," she greeted her partner's mother, her eyes travelling towards his empty chair.

"Hello Kate, my dear! How is it going?" Martha asked with her warm voice.

"As well as can be expected. But I'd say you are greatly missed," Kate answered and walked over to the break room, shutting the door behind her for some privacy.

"That's what I'm calling about. I'm on my way to the airport. I'll be arriving at JFK late this evening."

"Oh that's great news, Martha! Alexis will be very happy."

"You make it sound as if she was miserable staying with you," Martha said amused. "From what I heard, she's quite comfortable with this arrangement," the Detective didn't know what to say to that, so she didn't, "Kate, since I will be home rather late, would it be too much to ask for Alexis to stay one more night with you?" Martha asked, although she already knew the answer.

"Of course not, Martha! She's more than welcome to stay another night." Kate immediately replied.

"Thank you kiddo and not only for taking Alexis in. It is a great help and reassurance to know that you are there. It means a lot to me. Thank you!" Martha warm words seemed to settle around Kate's heart like a warm, soft blanket and she had to blink away the moisture in her eyes.

"I'm glad to help," Kate almost whispered.

After Kate gave Martha the lastest news on Castle they finally hung up, after agreeing to meet sometime tomorrow.

* * *

><p>Hours later Esposito, Ryan and Beckett were still crouched over the telephone records, and so far nothing had popped. The questioning of Juan Sarazibar, a man in his 50's, hadn't produced any new leads. He had confirmed Mrs. Kröger's statement that they had separated after the opera, because Maren had wanted to meet with someone, whom, he didn't know.<p>

Her family had no idea that she wanted to meet someone beside her two opera friends in New York but they had stated that she had some friends living in the US and she might have arranged something last minute. They would look into it, but Beckett wasn't hopeful.

The clock was ticking towards 9:00pm, too late to visit Castle she noted and was disappointed. Deciding that they had done enough for the day and that it was better to start with a fresh mind in the morning, she sent everybody home.

* * *

><p>She stepped into her apartment, almost crashing into Alexis who was reaching for the door. Surprised, Kate noticed the bag in her hand. She was confused, had Martha changed her mind?<p>

"What happened?" she asked smiling at the girl, but her smile quickly faded when she saw the rage in Alexis' eyes.

"You! You happened!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Rocket Man Chapter VII  
><strong>

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><p>100 Reviews you guys are CRAZY! Thank you!<p>

Okay I wanted to wait with this at least until tomorrow, because chapter 8 is far from done. But I thought it would be just cruel.  
>So here's chapter 7. It's short but intense. I hope. ;-) So I'm curious what you think. Leave a comment.<br>But be warned you will have to wait for the next chapter now. ;-)

No challenge for this one.

And yet again I have to thank my fabulous BBB's. You are awesome and your input means a lot to me!

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p>"Why do you do this to him?" Alexis' voice was harsh and Kate was shocked by the hurt and rage she saw in the girls eyes, still having absolutely no idea what this was all about.<p>

"Alexis, what's going on? I don't understand -," Kate tried to reach out to the younger woman, wanting to place her hand on Alexis' shoulder, but she jerked away and cut her off mid-sentence.

"No! You don't! You've never understood him! If you did, you wouldn't have left him alone for three months, you wouldn't have hurt him like you did, leaving him alone while he suffered with the guilt, the pain!" Alexis was holding nothing back. She had kept it, _all of it_, to herself for so long. For her Dad's sake, just because he had asked her to, but she couldn't do it anymore, not after what had happened at the hospital today. She wanted to hurt Kate, wanted to see the same devastated look on her face that she'd had to endure for three months on her father's face. The look which was still there from time to time had never fully disappeared. She wanted to throw it all back at her.

Kate stumbled back, bracing herself against the now closed apartment door for what she knew was coming. She had dreaded this moment, feared to face the accusations; the anger, and most of all, the hurt she knew was there. A part of her had hoped she could wait it out, that if she held still for long enough, it might just make it all go away. But she realised in this moment that no matter how hard it was, that she needed to hear it, needed this punishment, she _deserved _it. Still, the Detective was surprised by the timing; they had been making progress, hadn't they? Their temporary living arrangement had been working out quite well, and she knew something must have happened to bring this on now, especially this level of fury.

Again she tried to reach out to the distressed young woman, "Alexis, why don't you sit down and tell me what happened?"

Alexis couldn't calm down; let alone explain because she knew, somewhere under the rage that totally consumed her right now that the incident resulting in her outburst was brought on by _her own actions_. However in this moment she couldn't acknowledge that, right now she wanted to focus her anger on Kate and she wanted to get it all out, everything she'd had bottled up inside for so long.

"You have no idea what you did to him! He thought he had lost you, Kate! Gosh we all thought we had lost you!" she stilled for a moment, composing herself. Kate stared at her in shock, her eyes wide in terror and she felt the scar where the bullet had hit her, felt the pain all over again as she pressed the heel of her palm against it. But Alexis wasn't done, and when she spoke again her tone was icy.

"You said you would call, and for weeks all he did was wait. And with every day you didn't call, he slipped further and further away from us and there was nothing we could do but watch him lose himself. Especially after Gates kicked him out and he had nothing else to focus his worry on." She took a deep shuddering breath, and continued.

"Then he lost you all over again during that summer. Not knowing if you blamed him for happened, not knowing if he would ever see you again. You weren't there! You didn't see the man he became, he was hollow and broken. The man he still is on his worst days. And when _you _decide it's time, you just waltz back into his life because you know he will forgive you, you know the kind of man he is. It's what he does for the people he l…," Alexis caught herself just in time, knowing her father wouldn't want her to tell Kate what he had confessed on that day, "he cares about. He would do anything to make you happy. Anything at all and all you do is push him away. _Over and over again_. Why do you do this Kate, why?" Alexis was sobbing now, furiously wiping the tears away.

"Have you ever asked yourself what it's like for him? Tiptoeing around you, always walking on eggshells; always worried he will say something wrong, do something wrong, something that will send you running. Away from him. Have you any idea how scared he is to lose you?"

Alexis stared at her, whether it was because she expected an answer, or just to emphasize her words, Kate didn't know. And still her mind refused to work, all she could feel was the enormous guilt threatening to swallow her.

"I guess not. You probably don't even care!" Alexis' last words cut deep. Deeper than all the others. Was that what he thought about her? Did he really believe she didn't care? _Oh God!_

Kate couldn't speak, she felt like a vice had been put around her heart and was being squeezed so tight it left her breathless, speechless. This was how much Alexis hated her for what she had done to her Dad. She had expected the anger and hurt, Alexis loved her father and she would protect him from any harm if she could, but Kate had never imagined the anger ran so deep. Never had she expected the hate she saw in those blue eyes.

"I'm sorry," was all she finally managed to get out, before she dropped her head, trying to hide all the emotions she felt and the tears that threatened to fall. She didn't want Alexis to see her like this.

"Yeah Kate, go ahead, do what you are best at, _hiding_!" Alexis spat out, grabbing her bag as she pushed Kate out of her way and opened the door, "I'm going home" were the last words Kate heard before the door closed behind her.

Kate was frozen. She couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and when the sobs overcame her she slid to the floor, crouching against the cold wall. She had known that she had hurt him, but hadn't suspected she had the power to break him. And Kate suddenly realised she should have. Knowing him, she should have seen it, seen the changes in him. The mask he had been wearing since her return, the haunted and tired look in his eyes, the shadows under them and his whole demeanour towards her. For the first time she actually thought that _maybe it was best for him not to remember._

Kate didn't know how long she had been on the floor. The tears had stopped and she had managed to shrug out of her coat at some point, but she couldn't bring herself to get up. Her phone startled her into moving and she reached for her bag, lying next to her. She didn't want to talk, but felt obligated to at least check who was calling. When she saw that it was Martha, the decision was made for her. She tried to take a deep breath, realised she couldn't, and answered with a shaking hand and voice.

"Martha."


	8. Chapter 8

**Rocket Man Chapter VIII  
><strong>

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><p>So on we go. Thanks for the great feedback for the last chapter. Some of you have requested some Caskett interaction<br>and I promise we are getting there, soon. Meaning next chapter. ;-) But I'm talking _interaction_ not _action_.

The next one is giving me a hard time though. So it might take a while. I'll do my best!

Marjo's challenge: Don't mess with me, trout, scullywag, French Kiss and steamy. ;-)

As always thanks to the fabulous BBB's.

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p>He stared at the ceiling, angry at himself, angry at the world. He had lost it. He had yelled at her and she had left crying. Oh, he was a <em>great<em> father, _yeah_. And it was all because he had wanted to know about his relationship with the Detective, and when his daughter wouldn't give the answers he needed to hear, the accusations had started. He had told her she was lying, that it was all in the book and there was no way she didn't know what was going on. She had confirmed it was fiction, and the entire story was not a reference to his real life. Detective Beckett was only the inspiration for Nikki Heat and the character was not _really_ _her, _but he didn't buy it. The book had stirred something in him, awakened a dark emotion - betrayal. He had wanted the truth, or at least what he believed to be the truth, and he had wanted it no matter what. Oh and he had been determined to get it out of her, until she had stormed out.

He couldn't blame her, _hell_, the way he had behaved he didn't even expect her to return, or deserve it. And then to make things even worse, _she_ hadn't shown up all day. He was worried the dispute with his daughter was what had kept her away. And his head was throbbing so badly he feared it would explode. Reaching for the empty vase on his nightstand, he smashed it into the wall. How was he to separate fiction from reality? He felt lost, like he was drowning at sea, waves crashing over him and it wouldn't take long before they would pull him under the surface, deeper and deeper into the dark.

Running his hands over his face in frustration he realised, he couldn't do it on his own. He needed help to channel the pressure, frustration and fear threatening to eat him up from the inside. What happened today must not happen again.

* * *

><p>She'd expected Martha to be furious. To add to Alexis' outburst, to tell her to stay away from her granddaughter and her son, but she hadn't expected the concerned Martha she heard on the other end of the line.<p>

"Kate, darling are you okay?" Martha's gentle voice reached her and it was even harder to take than the anger she had expected, and would have welcomed. She didn't deserve this kindness.

"I'm fine Martha," she sighed, leaning her head against the door.

"Don't you mess with me, kiddo! I can hear you're not fine!" Martha detected. "What happened?"

"Didn't Alexis tell you?" this surprised Kate.

"No, she just said she had decided to come home early and then turned right in, which made me suspicious. Did you two have a fight?" she asked hitting the nail on the head. Kate let her hand run through her hair in frustration. Fight was definitely not the right word for this mess.

"I would really prefer if Alexis' told you what happened," Kate said quietly.

"Kate," Martha's voice was warm, almost tender, "What's going on?"

Kate could feel the tears building up and she knew she couldn't stop them, "It was about the summer," she got out and Martha immediately knew what had happened. Alexis had struggled with this for a long time now. The young woman did not understand why her father had forgiven Kate so easily after he had struggled for months. It had been the topic of numerous conversations between father and daughter. And Richard had asked his daughter to trust him on this. But Martha knew Alexis had never made her peace with what happened after Kate's shooting. She was also sure her granddaughter would not have addressed it without a reason. Something must have happened.

"What brought this on?" she questioned.

"I honestly don't know," Kate tried to sound steady, but barely succeeded, "When I came home she had already packed and was about to leave."

"She was at the hospital, right?"

Kate nodded then realized that Martha couldn't see it and added a _'yes'_ that was not more than a whisper.

"Were you?"

"No, I finished late. We have a case I just couldn't get out of the precinct earlier. I really tried," Kate felt the need to defend herself.

Martha sensed it, "It's alright Kate, no one's judging," and she added. "Let me see what I can get out of her in the morning. I'll keep you in the loop."

"Thanks, Martha!" Kate sighed.

There was silence on both ends of the line until the elder woman spoke, "Kate, don't be mad at her."

"I'm not mad at Alexis," Kate stated quietly before she admitted, "I'm mad at myself."

"Well, don't be too hard on yourself then," Martha said sounding serious. "I'll call you tomorrow."

They disconnected, and Kate let her arm sink to her side as she stared straight ahead, still unwilling to leave her spot on the ground.

* * *

><p>Kate had tried to cover up the dark circles under her eyes, but it was evident in her face when she walked into the precinct that she hadn't slept all night. At some point she had managed to finally pull herself up, and somehow walked her aching body to the couch. She hadn't bothered to change, just collapsed on the spot, while her mind had continued spinning. Kate knew her actions had hurt him. Had known it back then, while staying at her father's cabin, fighting the urge to just pick up the phone and call him, because honestly she had thought about doing it every <em>single<em> day. But something had always held her back. She wasn't good at sharing, mainly because she wasn't used to it. She had learnt to handle things on her own a long time ago; and told herself that she didn't need someone to hold her hand while she tried to be okay. The past months had shown her it wasn't true. There were things she couldn't face alone, and it had been this realisation that had made her seek help in Dr. Burke. But as brave as this step might have seemed to her back then, only now had she realised it didn't mean anything, because _he_ didn't know. Again she was trying to handle things alone, without him. Was it really so hard to let him hold her hand while she tried to get ready? _Figuratively speaking_. Was it so hard to let him in? Why was she denying him this, when she knew he would be more than happy to just hold her hand, _for now. _

She _knew_ why, she was scared no terrified. Afraid to lose him because she wasn't good with relationships, she had always managed to mess things up. What would happen if she did something to push him away for good. What would she do then? But what if she accomplished just that by doing things the way she always did them?

"Yo Beckett!" Esposito greeted her when she sat down at her desk, his face turning into an expression of worry when he saw her face. "You okay? Something wrong with Castle?"

She knew how she looked, she had to give him something or he wouldn't stop asking, "Castle's fine. I just couldn't sleep, that's all."

Esposito nodded his head in acknowledgement, sensing there was more but knowing her well enough not to push. "A guy from the police in Flensburg has been calling. Kommissar Brandner," he handed her a note. "He asked for you to call him back." She took it and nodded; placing the paper next to her phone she got up and walked over to the break room. Coffee first. And again she realised just how much she missed him.

She returned to her desk just in time to pick up her ringing phone. After 15 minutes she hung up and walked over to the murder board updating their timeline. Lanie had been able to narrow TOD down to between midnight and 2am. She stared at the board and realized they had nothing. They were _still_ waiting for security footage from surveillance cameras near the crime scene to come in, and maybe they would shed some light, but she wasn't hopeful. Telephone reports came up empty and no one had seen anything. It was frustrating and she was in desperate need of a wild theory to brighten her mood. Well, not just _any_ wild theory. Only _his._ Sighing she remembered the German police officer waiting for her to call and hoped he had some news.

It took her 10 minutes until she finally spoke to Kommissar Brandner. After being put through to three different extension numbers, and trying to explain her business each time, she was relieved to finally speak to someone who spoke English well enough to be helpful.

"Detective Beckett, thank you for calling me back!" he greeted her.

"Sure, you have anything new for me?" she asked, all business, as she was not in the mood to exchange pleasantries.

"I might have," he said and she could hear him ruffling through some papers. "Mr. and Mrs. Leichsenring provided us with a list of American friends of their daughter she might have contacted. I'll email it to you as soon as I have typed it down. We thought it might be easier for you to check on those people than for us."

"Phone records show, she hasn't called anyone during her stay," Beckett stated.

"So I heard," Kommissar Brandner agreed, "But using a German cell phone to call your American friends is expensive. Maybe she used a payphone?"

"Possible," Beckett agreed and made a quick note.

"Nevertheless this is not the reason I'm calling," he continued and Beckett sat up curious. _There was more! _"Mr. and Mrs. Leichsenring stated their daughter was on a road trip for six weeks last summer, travelling the West Coast. They're both sure this trip has nothing to do with what happened but I like to do my own investigation so I talked to Claudia Rudolph and Lars Pöhler. They were with her for the whole trip."

_Oh, she liked this guy. _Years of being on the job had told her that friends and families often had a different view on things. She had made it a rule to check everything regardless how unimportant it might seem to be.

"I assume you found something?" she half questioned, half stated.

"I did," she could hear the smile in his voice, "both reported that they hooked up with an American named John. He joined them for about three weeks until he had to go back to work. Claudia Rudolph is pretty sure that your victim and this John hit it off. And I don't mean in the steamy kind of way but the true love kind of. Claudia is sure Maren was in love. She thinks it's possible she wanted to meet the guy in New York."

"Without telling anyone?" Beckett thought it was rather unlikely. Wasn't being in love something you just wanted to shout out loud for everyone to hear? _Oh look who's talking now?_

"Well apparently Maren was very cryptic about the whole thing. Sorry, I wish I could give you more." He sounded apologetic.

"I suspect you don't have a last name, do you?" she asked only slightly hopeful.

"No, I'm afraid I don't. But Claudia thinks there's a picture of him on Maren's Facebook profile. I hadven't had no time to confirm that though."

The conversation ended shortly after Kommissar Brandner's promise to email the names of the American friends within the next twenty minutes. She would give the list to Ryan and Esposito while she logged onto the victim's Facebook profile again. It took her longer to get to the site she wanted, without Alexis to help her. Kate found it all quite confusing. _Alexis,_ Kate thought, she had to make this right.

* * *

><p>"Richard Castle!" announced the red-headed woman storming into his room while he was confidently following the dialog between the cute blond and the funny guy in a movie called <em>French Kiss<em>. He looked up and into a set of glaring blue eyes that were quite familiar. "What have you been thinking?" The woman, now pointing a finger at him, demanded to know. She just had to be his mother. Only a mother could look at you like this.

"Mother?" he asked, mainly to buy time.

"Oh, don't you _mother_ me!" she snapped back. "Are you out of your mind?"

He gave her a _'duh?'_ look, adding, "Well sort of."

This seemed to calm her down a bit, letting her hand with the pointing finger sink down to her side, "Still, no excuse for treating your daughter this way!"

He sighed. He felt bad enough for his outburst, the last thing he needed was his mother to give him a lecture. "Look I'm really sorry!" He surely looked miserable and it was her undoing, pulling a chair to his side she reached for his hand, pulling it close.

"Richard, Richard," she shook her head and brushed some strands of hair out of his forehead. "Can I never leave the city without you getting yourself into trouble?"

He shrugged, "I don't know? Has something like this happened before?"

"Remember the trout?" she asked but then quickly tipped her head with her finger, rolling her eyes, "Of course you don't. Never mind."

They set in silence for awhile, lost in their own thoughts before he softly spoke, "How is she?"

"Oh you raised a tough young woman, she'll be fine. But she's not used to you acting like a moron. Like a scallywag - yes! A moron - no!"

"I didn't want to scare or hurt her. I just wanted - ," he didn't finish his thought.

"You wanted to know. I understand kiddo," she was still holding his hand, looking down on it, he raised one eyebrow.

"Kiddo?"

"That's what I call you, when we are on good terms," she smirked. "Do I hear you complaining?"

He shook his head, "No," he liked it.

She could see that he was struggling with something, seeing the worry in his eyes, "Spit it out!"

He avoided her eyes, staring ahead at the still running TV, "Am I a good father?"

Martha's heart ached, hearing the devastated tone in her son's voice, she squeezed his hand, "Richard, look at me." He did as told, still weary, "I know you don't remember, but don't you ever doubt you're the best father I have ever seen. Alexis loves you. Always will, no matter what. And she will get over this the minute you tell her you're sorry. That's the way you two are."

He sighed, "Everything is just so messed up in here." He tapped his head.

"I know, but it's going to be alright. You just have to give it some time." She reassured him.

"What about her?" he suddenly asked and Martha wasn't sure whom he was talking about.

"Beckett?" she questioned.

"Yes, she wasn't here yesterday. I figured she's mad at me too." She would have laughed at his pout if she hadn't heard the disappointment and uncertainty in his voice.

"No, she just had to work late," she said, having no intention to tell him about the nasty argument Alexis and Detective Beckett had, since it would only raise more questions no one could or wanted to answer. "So what brought on this whole shouting yesterday?"

He freed his hand from hers and reached for something on the nightstand, handing it to her, "This."

"That much I figured," Martha nodded looking at the copy of Heat Wave in her hand. She waited for him to continue, knowing he would.

"This Nikki Heat and the journalist, they sound a lot like Detective Beckett and me," she nodded. "I just figured – I don't know."

"You thought you and Detective Beckett have the same kind of relationship in real life," she stated. Castle just shrugged.

"There's just something in the way she looks at me," he almost whispered.

"You are partners, she cares for you," Martha explained, knowing it was only part of the truth, "But you are not Jameson Rook and she's not Nikki Heat!"

"I know. But yesterday I just couldn't believe it. It all felt so real, almost like a memory and when Alexis said it wasn't, I lost it. It felt as if she wanted to pull it away from me again. It's stupid. I'm sorry," he said again and added. "I talked to a psychiatrist this morning."

"You did?" This news surprised Martha, after he had previously declined it so immensely. "Did it help?"

He nodded. He hadn't expected it, but talking to someone who had no personal interest had been refreshing. He didn't feel the need to search for hidden meanings or intentions. He didn't feel the pressure he felt when talking to his daughter to remember something. He could just be. It had been soothing, _relaxing_. "He said we could try hypnosis in a couple of days. It might be able to bring some memories back."

She smiled, that sounded good. "And until then?"

He shrugged, "I guess I'll stay here."

"Is that what you want?" she frowned, not being used to the calm Richard in front of her.

He looked at her and something happened. He didn't know what, but a feeling spread through him, warm and welcoming. "No, I want to go home."


	9. Chapter 9

**Rocket Man Chapter IX  
><strong>

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><p>I'm really sorry it took me so long. But this chapter gave me a hard time. So, I know I promised some Caskett in this Chapter<br>and again I'm sorry. It just didn't fit in BUT chapter 10 will be up in a couple of minutes so I hope that'll make up for a broken  
>promise.<p>

As always thanks to the fabulous BBB's.

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p>The boys were working through the list that Kommissar Brandner, true to his word, had emailed ten minutes after Beckett hung up. She had called Lanie once more, asking if she had an update on the fibres and tissue samples the M.E. had found on the victim's body, but they were still being tested. So, for the past ten minutes Kate had been staring at a picture on Maren Leichsenring's Facebook profile subtitled with the name John. A blond man was smiling back at her, beside his name under the picture was the sentence: <em>You don't wanna be in love, you wanna be in love in a movie.<em> That was it. No last name, no nothing. Maren Leichsenring wasn't friends with any John as far as Beckett could tell from the friends list, so they were more or less back to square one. They had a face from some guy in California named John but nowhere to go from there.

Sighing, she looked at her phone for the twentieth time, eagerly awaiting Martha's call. Beckett hoped Castle's mother had been able to calm the waves and shed some light on yesterday's events. Reluctantly she dragged her eyes from the phone and looked over to Esposito and Ryan.

"You guys find anything?" she asked and two heads popped up to look at her.

"Nothing," Ryan shook his head. "So far neither of them," he tapped at the list in his hand with Maren's American friends, "has talked to her lately."

"Anything on the security footage?" she turned her head slightly to look past Ryan at Esposito.

Again she was rewarded with a headshake, "Victim took the 3 from Lincoln Centre to 34th Street, but we can't track her movements from there."

"Her phone?" she questioned, already knowing the answer.

"Still turned off," Esposito confirmed and they all knew it would stay this way.

She let out a puff of air, this case was so frustrating.

"If it was a robbery, we barely have a chance to solve it," Ryan vocalized what everyone was thinking.

Beckett got up and stood in front of the murder board, looking at what they had so far_. Who did Maren Leichsenring want to meet and where? Or was she already on her way back to the hotel?_ The time frame allowed for both possibilities. She looked at the map of the area around 34th Street, but there were just too many possibilities, and no way of telling where their victim was headed to, or from.

Running her fingers over her face, she looked at Gates closed office door, knowing the Captain wanted answers. Answers they didn't have. She heard the elevator ding in the background, but didn't bother to turn around to see who was entering the bullpen, and it was only when she heard Esposito's surprised voice that she turned.

"Mrs. R.," he exclaimed and jumped up to meet her halfway, Ryan in tow.

"Gentlemen," she smiled and hooked each of her arms under one of the two Detectives, "So good to see you again." She shot both of them what could only be described as a flirtatious smile that quickly changed into a mastered pout, similar to the one Kate was so accustomed to seeing on her son's face, "I have to say, I'm a bit disappointed that you have neglected me and our poker games."

Esposito and Ryan both went pale, "No … We … no, it's just."

Martha Rodgers laughed and pulled the two men closer, enjoying every second of it, "I'm just kidding."

The boys chuckled, obviously enchanted by Castle's mother and Kate couldn't fight the small grin, playing around her lips. Martha certainly knew how to twist the boys around her little finger.

Giving Ryan a thorough look Martha continued, "Detective Ryan, I have to say marriage obviously becomes you. Look at you, all handsome and beaming!"

"Well, yeah. Thank you," he stuttered and blushed.

"And you Esposito?" her tone reprehensive, "Breaking up with that lovely Doctor of yours."

"Well, yeah… em," he repeated Ryan's stutter but then found some footing and quickly changed topics, "How's Castle doing?"

"Better and don't you worry, he's going to be alright," she said with so much conviction that Kate, who had listened to every word, believed it, - if only for a second.

"But now _you_Gentlemen have to excuse me. I have to steal your lovely Lady Detective away for a couple of minutes," and with that she released her hold on the two men and walked over to Kate, hugging her close she whispered into her hear, "Good to see you, darling."

Kate nodded and pulled back, "Good to see you too." After their greeting, Kate led them to the break room, closing the door to give them some privacy.

"Can I offer you some coffee?" Kate asked, suddenly nervous and wanting to buy some time to steel herself for what was to come. She hadn't expected for Martha to show up at the precinct and wondered what had brought her here. The actress nodded, sitting down and taking the opportunity to watch Kate while she was trying to tame the coffee machine. Martha could sense she had taken Kate by surprise by coming to see her at the precinct, which had been her intention. Some things were better said in person and she didn't want to give Kate the opportunity to run. Doing this face to face gave Martha an advantage, since she knew Kate wouldn't just walk out on her, make a scene where everyone would witness. In observing the younger woman, she suddenly recognized the dark circles under Kate's eyes and couldn't help but wonder.

"Kate did you sleep at all?" Castle's mother asked, and she saw Kate's shoulders fall. When she turned around to place the cup of coffee in front of Martha the whole extent of the last few days events became visible. The Detective was pale, her eyes hollow and she looked truly miserable.

Kate sighed and shook her head, "No."

For the first time Martha could see the restlessness and the haunted look her son so often talked about. It was in the other woman's eyes and she understood, placing her hand over Kate's she waited for her son's partner to look at her. When Kate didn't, or couldn't, meet her eyes she spoke nevertheless, "Before I tell you what happened yesterday between Alexis and her father, I need you to know one thing. While I don't agree with the tone my granddaughter used with you - most of what she said is true. I won't repeat it though, as I think she got her point across loud and clear." Kate flinched, trying to pull her hand away, but Martha wouldn't let go. Contrary to her son, she wasn't afraid to push, or hold on in this case, "But you need to hear the truth. You need to know what those months without you did to him, and what you are still putting him through. I am aware it is not deliberate but that doesn't make it any better, or easier. He would never tell you himself, and he will be upset once he finds out you know about it, but since it's now out in the open we may as well deal with it." There were other things, _secrets_, Martha wouldn't address. Things she wished she could just forget about.

"Why wouldn't he talk to me?" Kate asked, although she already knew the answer.

"Oh darling, he's so afraid to lose you that he's decided it's safer to keep it all to himself. He believes telling you all of this would push you away. You told him you needed time and that's what he's trying to do, give you time." She paused, glancing at Kate. Seeing that her words had scored a direct hit, stirred something in her. She continued gently. "There's one thing about Alexis' outburst I do not agree with. I know you care; for him, for Alexis, for all of us. What you did for Alexis and Richard in the past few days shows me just how much. And if that smile you gave my son in that bank is any indication …," she let that linger before she went on. "And I do understand where you're coming from. I understand what you are struggling with and part of me even understands why you ran and hid this summer. It does not make it okay, but it helps putting things into perspective. And Richard -"

"He knows me," Kate almost whispered, her eyes fixed on the table.

"Yes, he does. And that is why he's handling things the way he is. But it also makes him blind." She looked at Kate, wanting her to know she meant it, seeing the uncertainty in her eyes, quickly continued. "The important thing is you came back. And I can see you are trying to do things differently. It's in the way Richard talks about you, telling me you smiled at one of his wild, ridiculous theories when normally you would have rolled your eyes. All the small things he talks about that make his face light up without him even noticing it, because he's too anxious, too afraid to do or say something wrong. It makes him hold back, putting his own needs on hold. You are doing this to him Kate. You make him do this, unconsciously so, but you do so nevertheless. So you need to hear this because as much as I care about you Kate, I don't know how much longer I can take it. Seeing him like this, in this agony."

Silence filled the room before Martha added, "I don't want you to apologise or explain to me. I'm not the one who needs to hear it anyway. I just want you to know, to _understand_."

Kate tried to process what she had heard, Martha was right, she needed to hear this but it was hard. The last thing she wanted was for Castle to feel miserable because of her. Not after all she had put him through, after all he'd done for her. Especially when after all that had happened, he had chosen to remain at her side. They sat in silence for a while, until Kate finally nodded, meeting Martha's gaze and stating in a clear concise voice, "I heard you."

Martha squeezed Kate's hand one last time before she let go, glad they had gotten through this without Kate retreating. It was yet further proof for Martha that Kate was indeed trying to make a difference.

"So, about yesterday," she changed topics into _slightly _calmer waters, diving right in, "Richard read Heat Wave and got certain ideas." She lifted her eyebrows.

"About him and me," Kate concluded and then frowned, realizing something. "How did he get it? I didn't bring any of the Nikki Heat novels."

"No Alexis did. She thought it might help him to remember," Martha made a flickering gesture with her right hand and Kate remembered the morning at the loft when Alexis had returned to the apartment after they had gathered Alexis's and Castle's things. For what? She had not thought much of it then, but now she knew why and wondered if she should have seen it coming. "So when he asked Alexis about the two of you and she told him it was only fiction - ."

"He didn't believe her." Kate finished for Martha.

Castle's mother nodded: "I spare you the rest. Needless to say it wasn't pretty."

"So that's why she was so upset." Kate could see how for Alexis it must seem that yet again her father's partner was again the reason for his misery. Kate understood why Alexis had wanted him to read Heat Wave, it was for the same reason she had contemplated taking it instead of the Derrick Storm novels. In some ways it was _their_story, even if not in every way. And she did have the same idea, the same hope that in giving him something close to reality, it would stir something in him. But ultimately she had decided against it, because she had feared what had now happened.

"Yes and no. It's part of the reason why Alexis blew up at you, but there's more to her anger than the obvious."

Kate looked at Martha, "More?"

Martha nodded, "We care about you," she paused before she carefully continued, "and your shooting did not only affect my son, you know." She paused trying to shake away the memories of that dreadful day. "And you and Alexis, you need to talk about it."

"I'm not sure that's what she wants," Kate stated quietly.

"Oh she wants to, but you need to make the first step," Martha's tone made it clear that this was not a request.

Kate looked at the woman sitting next to her, who had given her the brutal truth and still had managed to make it bearable. She owed her at least this much, "I will talk to her."

"Good," Martha patted Kate's hand once more, her face brightening up, "Now on to a more hopeful matter. Richard is going to be released this afternoon."

"He is?" Kate asked surprised.

"Yes, he wants to go home and frankly, I think it's for the best. How one is supposed to get better in a hospital escapes me. And as long as he takes it slow, takes his medicine and works with his physiotherapist he should be fine. Dr. Bernstein thinks it might also help his memory if he returns into his normal environment."

"That's good news, Martha." Kate smiled and felt relief washing through her. Being released and able to go home was a good thing, a feeling she knew all too well.

"So I suspect you'll come and visit him this evening?" Martha made it sound like a question, but Kate knew it really wasn't. She shot her an uncertain look, unsure if she was ready to face Alexis just yet.

"Alexis won't be there until later tonight," Martha said, as if she had sensed the cause of Kate's discomfort.

"Okay?" it was something between a statement and a question.

"She has to work on a school project," she elaborated, before she got up and gathered her belongings. Kate opened the door for her and was surprised yet again when Martha once more hugged her tightly, before she asked. "So I'll see you tonight?"

"See you tonight." Kate nodded, and then added quietly, "and thank you!"

Martha smiled at her warmly before turning to bid her adieu to Ryan and Esposito, inviting them to come and visit Castle anytime.

Kate stood and watched, with an unsettled feeling in her stomach, and hope she couldn't ignore trying to battle its way to get the upper hand.


	10. Chapter 10

**Rocket Man Chapter X  
><strong>

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><p>Okay here is the promised Caskett <em>interaction.<em>

Marjo's challenge: Some people say that you have a better chance of getting killed by a coconut falling on your head than in a shark attack

As always thanks to the fabulous BBB's.

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p>He was nervous. His mother had said they would pick him up around 4pm, now it was quarter past and he started pacing the room. He had packed and was ready to go, and after Dr. Bernstein had affirmed that the last tests they had performed all looked good, he was even more ready. He had made arrangements for the next few weeks with the physiotherapist to come to the apartment, and he was eager to leave. He hoped getting home, whatever that meant to him right now, would help him to remember, would trigger something to get the ball rolling. But before he could do that, he had to make amends and apologize to his daughter. That was the part he was most nervous about.<p>

On the other side of the door his mother was trying to convince her granddaughter that it was best if Alexis did this on her own. Martha knew how miserable her son felt for his behavior, but Alexis was reluctant.

"Gram's I really don't want to go in there on my own," she almost pleaded.

"He's your father, kiddo. Nothing to be afraid of," Martha said, brushing a strand of red hair out of Alexis' face.

"But he's so different, he's not Dad!" Alexis replied and looked on the floor, feeling ashamed for saying it out loud.

"Ahh, darling," Martha spoke softly and pulled her into a hug. "Yes, he had a bad day and he lost it. But he's your father and he loves you. Give him a chance."

"How can you know he loves me, he doesn't even remember me," Alexis had to fight back the tears and the hurt was evident in every word she spoke. Her father had never yelled at her like he did yesterday and she was still upset, because she had no idea how to handle this and because she was afraid that _her _Dad might never be the same again.

Martha smiled, "You know his head might be a bit fuzzy at the moment but," she poked at Alexis' chest, "The heart does not forget." She waited for the words to sink in before she gave Alexis a gentle push, "Now go in there."

When she opened the door he stopped dead in his tracks and stared at her. S_he really had come back. _He couldn't describe how happy it made him. Looking at her and noticing her discomfort, he realized he should say something. He wrenched his fingers together, trying to find the right words, since the ones he had rehearsed so thoroughly had all disappeared. Deciding the simple truth might be the best after all he just said: "Alexis, I'm sorry."

She looked at him, saw the pain in his eyes as he continued, "I didn't mean to hurt you. I just had this idea in my head and it was all so confusing and I lost it. I'm really, really sorry." He looked at her almost heartbroken and it was all it took for her to close the distance between them and throw her arms around him.

"Dad," she mumbled into his shirt and after a second he closed his arms around her and held her tight.

"I'm sorry, pumpkin."

* * *

><p>She was nervous, although she wasn't exactly sure why. Alexis wouldn't be there but after what she had learned over the past day, facing him was so much more difficult. But she had made a decision. She would start to give something back to him, would try to make up for the pain she inflicted. Even if she wasn't sure where to start, and even if he did not remember.<p>

Martha opened the door and smiled brightly when she saw her son's partner. "Kate, come in." Martha took her coat and scarf to put them into the closet, before she led the way to the living room. Kate had expected some level of awkwardness after their conversation at the precinct but Martha was her charming self and Kate was grateful for that. It gave her the opportunity to relax a bit after everything that happened.

"Where's Castle?" Kate asked when she couldn't spot him, causing Martha to smile. She liked that Kate was obviously eager to see him.

"He's in the bathroom, being a baby about his thromboses injection," Martha explained.

Kate raised a questioning eyebrow, "What's the matter?"

"Apparently my hands are too cold," she waggled the accused body parts in the air, "Tto touch him but he doesn't have the guts to do it himself. It's like five-year old Richard down with the measles all over again." She sighed dramatically and sat down on the couch.

Kate pursed her lips, imagining a five-year old Richard, "Maybe he'll let me?" she suggested, and Martha nodded.

"Go kiddo, see if you have any luck with him. I need a break from that big baby," Martha leant back into the couch and let out another heart felt sigh, making Kate chuckle. She was already at the door to Castle's office when Martha called out to her, "Kate, I didn't tell Richard about you and Alexis and I think its best we keep it that way. It would only cause more questions and he seems to be in a good place right now. I don't want to confuse him further."

Kate nodded. She had no intention of mentioning the Alexis debacle to him. It was just easier this way. _At least for now._

She stepped into his bedroom, ridiculously nervous. She had never been in here before and it somehow felt extremely intimate. Making her way past his bed she reached the other side of the room which led to the en-suite bathroom. Softly knocking her knuckles against the door frame, she waited until he pulled open the door.

"Hi," he said surprised, before a smile played over his face.

"Hey, your mother said you might need help," she stated, her eyes studying him nervously, knowing he didn't remember what happened, but after her talk with Martha she couldn't help but see everything in a different light. She knew she owed him, whether he remembered or not.

"Well, yeah." He looked slightly embarrassed and she wondered what would come next. "I can't get my shirt off."

_Oh._

She looked at the sling around his arm and torso, firmly placed over his shirt and while he could use his right arm, she saw why it was difficult to do it alone. "I want to take a shower," he explained and she gulped.

"Are you allowed with your arm and your head?" she asked too quickly to cover up her embarrassment.

"Yeah they gave me this," he took three steps back and reached for something on the counter while she automatically followed him into the bathroom. He held up some plastic foil and tape. "It needs to go over the bandage."

She nodded, "I see." She took the supplies out of his hand and placed them back on the counter, reaching for the hoop-and-loop fastener of the sling she started to carefully unfasten it. Not giving herself time to think about it. He needed help and that was it. "What about the injection?" she asked when she pulled the sling off his shoulder.

He flinched, "Um, after the shower." He really sounded like a baby. It made her heart skip, because it was so Castle.

"Chicken," she mumbled smirking, pulling the last strap away and placing the sling beside the plastic foil. Teasing had always been their thing and it obviously still was.

"Easy for you to say," he whined. "Have you seen that needle?"

She rolled her eyes and his eyes twinkled. He had aimed for it and he got it.

"So, how do we do this?" she asked staring at his shirt.

"Well I would lift my right arm and you pull the shirt up," he stated and already lifted his arm. She reached for the hem of his shirt, telling herself to '_Man up_' and slowly lifted the right side of his shirt, pulling it up. He bent his arm to squeeze it through the sleeve. It didn't look elegant, but he managed. The rest was easy, he bowed his head and she pulled the shirt first over his head and then carefully over his injured arm. All the way she tried to ignore her fingers brushing his skin, but didn't succeed. His skin was soft and warm and felt way too good. It made her insides tingle. _Oh she shouldn't think like this_. Not when things were as they were. When he stood in front of her, bare-chested, she didn't know where to look and finally opted for the floor. He turned towards the mirror more accustomed now with his own features, feeling less like a stranger to himself and grinned. "I am ruggedly-handsome, don't you think?"

She almost choked.

He turned towards her, "What?"

When the first shock ebbed away, her lips curled up into a smile. "Nothing, you've just… said that once before."

"I did? Huh …," he looked thoughtful. "Second time today."

She raised a questioning brow at him.

"I called Alexis pumpkin earlier." He smiled at the memory at how happy it had made his daughter.

"You remember?" she asked, sounding way too hopeful, but he shook his head.

"No, it just felt right." He stated. "Just like me being ruggedly-handsome."

Oh, she loved that twinkle in his eyes, but rolled hers nevertheless, just for the good times. She was glad that he seemed to be so at ease now he was home. It was a good sign she thought. "So you and Alexis worked things out?" She asked as nonchalantly as she could.

"Yes," he smiled but it quickly faded. "I really was an idiot."

"Hey," she said gently and struggled with her hand, wanting to caress his cheek. But they weren't doing stuff like this, right? Then she remembered what she had been denying him for months, and thought it was a good way to start to redeem some of the sorrow she had inflicted on him. _Even if he didn't know. _So she let her hand reach up, her fingers dancing softly over the left side of his face, "You are going through a lot. No one expects you to have it under control the whole time. I can't even imagine how confusing this all must be for you."

He looked at her, surprised. He hadn't expected the touch, though he welcomed it, even leaned into it and smiled, "Your hand is warm."

She took it as a reference to his complaint about his mother's cold hands and grinned back, before she reached for the plastic foil and tape. "Okay, show me your arm." She thought for a moment, deciding on the best way to secure the foil before starting her task. It only took her a minute and he was ready to go.

He gave her work an appraising look and then nodded. "Thanks, I think I can manage the rest."

She looked at the sweat pants he was wearing, "Huh, sure. I'll be with your mother." She quickly stated before turning around and heading for the door.

"Kate!" She turned around again hearing his voice. "I'll need help to put this back on." He held up the shirt.

She smiled, "Just call when you're ready. And then the injection too!"

He flinched again, making his cute face, the one she had always adored, but never would admit to.

"Just keep my mother's cold hands off me," he whined and Kate decided it was time to leave. He was obviously fine on his own.

Stepping back into the living room she found Martha in the kitchen opening a bottle of wine. "How's the big baby doing?" she asked when she saw Kate emerging from the office.

"Under the shower delaying the inevitable," Kate smirked and walked over to Martha who handed her a glass.

"Sounds like Richard," Martha nodded and sat down at the kitchen counter. "It's good you're here, Kate. He missed you yesterday."

"Martha," Kate placed her glass on the kitchen counter and stepped closer. "I never meant to…." Her words were lost when a tear escaped her eye, and before she could hide it, Martha was up and had pulled her close and wouldn't let go. As the tears fell freely, Kate let herself be held by Castle's mother. It had been so long since someone had comforted her like this, since she had allowed someone to comfort her like this. And she just let it happen, stopped thinking and accepted that she needed it and that it was okay.

When she finally pulled away she took a deep breath, "I never meant to hurt any of you. I just didn't know how else to handle it."

Martha rubbed her hand down Kate's upper arm and nodded, "I know. And that's what they need to hear."

"Is it enough?" Kate asked shakily.

"It's a start," Martha smiled and reached for the glass of wine on the kitchen counter. Handing Kate's over and taking her own, she clinked their rims together, "To new beginnings."

Kate smiled, "To new beginnings."

They sat down and enjoyed a comfortable silence, Kate trying to remember the last time she had felt this type of closeness, realizing it had been a long time ago, she was insanely grateful.

It was about 15 minutes later when Castle appeared in the door way, still bare-chested but now wearing plaid cotton pants. "Kate, cwould you?" he asked and she jumped off the chair and walked over to him.

She passed him and disappeared into his office and out of sight, "Castle, are you coming?" she called out when he didn't follow and Martha could only shake her head at the goofy grin that spread over her son's face.

He followed her back into the bathroom where she was already waiting for him, holding in her hand the new shirt he had placed on the counter. He had managed to get rid of the foil himself so she gently tugged at his left arm, when he stood in front of her, pulling the shirt over it and then over his head. He repeated the squeezing part and in no time was properly dressed again. She regretted it _just_ a bit. She had never seen him like this and she had to admit she liked it, _a lot. _He was broad and strong and she would have really liked to place her arms around him. But instead she reached for the sling and placed it back on his arm.

"Done," she proclaimed and he started for the door.

"Nuh-uh, Mr." she caught the hem of his shirt and pulled him back. "Injection.".

He huffed, "Damn it."

"Come here," she ordered and grabbed for the needle she had already located on the other end of the counter.

"It's going to hurt," he whined and stared at the needle in her hand.

"You pretend as if this is the first one you've had," she said, raising her brows,

"It's not that I know it hurts," he kept on as she stepped closer, lifting his shirt once more, holding it up with her arm, _maybe a bit higher than absolutely necessary_, while her left hand moved to his side, grabbing she stepped even closer positioning the needle.

"Some people say that you have a better chance of getting killed by a coconut falling on your head than in a shark attack." She suddenly said, and in the same moment very slightly stepped on his foot.

"Huh?" he looked at her puzzled.

"Done," she proclaimed and grinned.

"Done?" he questioned and looked down. "But I didn't feel anything."

"Duh?" she raised her eyebrows even higher as he started to grin.

"You can be my personal nurse," he suggested waggling his eyebrows.

She snorted, "In your dreams!"

"I can live with that," he smirked and she wondered how he could be so _Castle _and not remember anything.

"Off to bed," she ordered and he obeyed, trotting back into his bed room he slipped under the covers and looked at her expectantly. She was lost as of what he actually expected and stayed put at the door to his bathroom.

"You look tired," he stated, sounding worried.

"Tough case," she replied, though it was only a half truth.

"Want to talk about it?" he asked. Oh and how she wanted to do that. She missed their theorizing.

"Sure, if you're up to it," she said and saw a bright smile gracing his features.

He petted the spot next to him and she only hesitated for a moment before she crossed the room to settle down next to him. _On the covers. _Trying to ignore the fact of being in, _no on_, his bed she told him about the case, about having no leads and dealing with German authorities.

"So this would be the part where I'd be open to dumb ideas," she ended and quickly glanced at him.

"And that is normally my cue," he stated, figuring he was the goofy one in this partnership. "What did you say was written under the picture of this John guy?" he suddenly asked.

"You don't wanna be in love, you wanna be in love in a movie," she repeated and looked at him amused, "Why?"

"I heard that today," he mumbled and reached for the remote control on his nightstand. "I saw this movie with Alexis when we got home." He turned on the TV and fast forwarded the DVD to the part where sure enough Rosie O'Donnell told Meg Ryan exactly that. _You don't wanna be in love; you wanna be in love in a movie._

"That's Sleepless in Seattle," Kate said and remembered Castle telling her about women hitting on him when he had been on top of the Empire State Building for research. And suddenly she made the connection. "The victim took the 3 to 34th Street that's just 3 blocks from the Empire State Building." She exclaimed.

"So she might have wanted to meet this John on top of the Empire State Building." Castle concluded.

"Make sense to me," she nodded.

"Romantic," he mused.

"I'd say deadly," she retorted.

"Wow, that's what I call a mood killer," he smirked but when he saw her face it quickly faded. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to… ." But she waved him off, giving him a forced smile he didn't buy and before he got the chance to question her further she's was off the bed.

"I should get going, it's late," she said, not looking at him.

He didn't try to convince her to stay, she looked so tired, "Are you coming back tomorrow?" he asked hopefully.

"I'll try. Can't leave you to your mother's cold hands now, can I?" she gave him a smile, a real one this time, "Night Castle."

He smiled back, "Night Kate."

She was already through the door when he called after her, "Kate!" She stuck her head back into the room, "Thank you."

"Always," she replied without thinking about it and his eyes brightened up. He wasn't sure why but this little word meant more than just the obvious. He could feel it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Rocket Man Chapter XI  
><strong>

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><p>I am truely sorry this took so long. I wanted to have this out before my vacation but work wouldn't let me and then I really couldn't get<br>the done. I'm still not statisfied with it, but I fear it's not getting any better, so I'll post it now.

I'm already working on chapter 12, so I promise you won't have to wait this long again.

As always thanks to the fabulous BBB's.

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p>Castle woke early the next morning after a dreamless night. Looking around it took him a moment to realise where he was. <em>His own bedroom. His apartment. They sent him home yesterday. <em>He pushed himself up with his good arm and rested against the headrest, taking in his surroundings. He had barely taken notice of his room when he had arrived yesterday. It was stressful enough to come home to a place he didn't know. But after a good nights rest in a bed that was a million times more comfortable than the one he had occupied in the hospital, he found himself curious. Pushing back the covers, he slipped out of bed and walked over to the sideboard positioned beside the door that let to his office. He picked up one of the picture frames placed on it and smiled at the younger versions of him and his daughter on a beach. There were others of the two of them, some with his mother, some only with Alexis' and then hidden behind all of them was one of _her._

It looked like a snap shot, as if she had been unaware of the fact that someone was taking her picture. She was laughing about something, eyes shining and mouth open, so beautiful. He repositioned it, putting it up front, next to the one of his daughter and him on the beach before he left his bedroom and strolled through his office into the living room.

"Hey Dad," he looked up surprised to see his daughter in the kitchen, obviously preparing breakfast.

"Hey," he finally got out and walked over to rest his good arm on the kitchen island, leaning over it to see what she was doing. "Omelettes?"

"Yeah, that's sort of our thing," she explained and expertly flipped the one she had in the pan over.

"Don't you have school, or something?" he asked, sitting down on one of the barstools.

"I only have one course this semester," Alexis stated and placed the omelette on the plate in front of him. He looked at it. _Did he like omelettes?_ He had no idea.

"Maybe we could put some chocolate on it and marshmallows," he suggested and his daughter wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"No more s'morelettes!" she exclaimed, shaking her head once more for effect.

"Oh, I take I had this idea before," he smirked at her.

"Yes, and we didn't like it!" Alexis stared back until she couldn't hold in the laughter any longer. He joined in and enjoyed the sparkle in his daughter's eyes, matching his own.

"What has you two so jolly this early in the morning?" Martha asked, while climbing down the stairs, yawning.

"Dad, wants to have a s'morelette," Alexis elaborated.

Martha looked shocked, "I thought we had talked about this? And decided no more unless you are alone in the house!" Martha shot her son a pitiful look, "Richard, that is really disgusting!"

"It is?" he asked. He honestly didn't know but he was desperate to find out. He looked at his daughter, thinking she was an easier target than his mother. "Please," he put on what he hoped to be a puppy face. "Please!"

He saw Alexis' eyes lock with Martha's shortly before she gave in, "Okay, but only one. And then we never talk about it again!"

He grinned from ear to ear when she finally placed the s'morelette in front of him, rubbing his palms together he then picked up the fork with his right hand and dove into it. After a minute he looked at the two women surrounding him, "This is soooo good!" he shrieked and was rewarded with two major eye rolls. _He seemed to have that effect on women._

* * *

><p>She walked into the precinct the next morning with a smile on her lips. <em>Yes, <em>her departure had been kind of hasty and _yes_, she had feared to run into Alexis. She knew she had to face her partner's daughter eventually and better sooner than later, but she needed another day or two to sort things out and to lick her wounds. Despite all of this she couldn't help but feel hopeful, maybe even a bit giddy when she thought about her hands on his body, his smooth skin, the tingle in her stomach when her fingers had danced over his body, the … .

"Beckett?"

Her head shot up, "Huh?" Ryan and Esposito were staring at her, obviously waiting for an answer to a question she had missed. "Sorry, what?"

The boys exchanged a look before Esposito started for the second time, "Do you think it would be okay for Ryan and I to drop by at Castle's later today?"

"Yeah, I guess." She nodded, "You should call Martha though. He might have doctor's appointments."

"Will do," Ryan chirped and was about to turn around, but Beckett's voice stopped him.

"Not so quick, I have work for you," she said and held out a picture of the mysterious John. "Show it around at the Empire State Building, see if someone notice our guy."

"Empire State Building?" Esposito frowned, reaching for the picture Beckett was holding out to him. "Why?"

"Castle noticed the quote under the picture," she said and smiled proudly.

"Castle?" Ryan questioned and snatched the picture out of Esposito's hands.

"Yes, it's a line from Sleepless in Seattle." Beckett explained leaning back in her chair.

"So?" Esposito didn't get it.

"The Meg Ryan movie," Ryan stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I say it again: So?" Esposito glared back at his partner.

"Meg Ryan meets Tom Hanks on top of the Empire State Building in the end."

"Aha and how do you know that?" Esposito started to smirk. "Sounds like a chick's movie to me."

"It's one of Jenny's favourites," Ryan defended himself.

"Sure it is," Esposito grinned even wider. "Honeymilk."

"What's that's suppose to mean?" Ryan stepped closer.

"I don't know maybe, instead of going all mushy about a Meg Ryan movie you should, I don't know, watch some guys movie?"

"You think?" Ryan stepped closer to Esposito.

"Yeah I think!" Esposito moved another step forward.

"Guys!" Beckett cut them off.

Both Detectives looked at their boss, "So Castle remembered?" Esposito tried to get back on topic.

But Beckett shook her head, "No, he saw the movie yesterday."

"And you think this is getting us somewhere?" Ryan raised one eyebrow, looking at the picture again.

"Well, do you have a better idea?" Beckett raised one eyebrow.

Ryan shook his head, "Point taken… and on it."

She watched the boys leave and glanced over at Gates office. There was another video conference scheduled in an hour, sighing she grabbed her notes and walked over to the Captain's office to brief her. It would be a short briefing.

* * *

><p>He already hated physical therapy. It was exhausting, his arm did hurt like hell and <em>yes<em> he was just a bit whiny about it. And he believed he had the right to be. But Anna his physical therapist wouldn't take no for an answer. And so he had to do the exercises over and over again. He hated that beside his missing memory he was also restricted on his physically possibilities. He wanted it all to end, wanted to feel normal again. Sitting on the couch flipping through TV channels accepted the pain killers that Alexis handed him with a glass of water.

"You should eat something," Alexis said after studying him for a while.

"Not hungry," he mumbled and leaned his head back against the couch after he had knocked down the pills, only to snap it back up when the still sore flesh on the back of his head came in contact with the leather. "Ouch. And I had the s'morelette this morning."

"That was hours ago and a s'morelette does not classify as a proper meal." Alexis snapped back. She had been shocked to see how fast the past days events had drawn on her father's physical appearance. He had lost about 6 or 8 pounds and looked _hollow_. She had hoped that once he was home he would find the appetite he had obviously lost in the hospital. But despite his excitement over the s'morelette he had refused to eat anything.

"I think I'm old enough to decide when I need to eat and when not, thank you." He retorted.

"Fine," Alexis huffed and turned on her heels.

"Fine," he called after her, letting out a sigh and slamming his right fist into the cushion next to him.

"What's going on?" Martha asked, breezing down the stairs and blocking her granddaughter's escape.

Alexis crossed her arms in front of her chest, "Ask him." Nodding her head into the direction of the couch.

"Richard?" Martha's voice had this slight edge to it only mother's could muster.

Castle slowly stood up and turned towards the two women, raising his right arm and letting it sink against his side again, he huffed, his eyes roaming the room before they came to rest on his daughter, "I'm sorry."

"I wonder where I heard that before," Alexis muttered, unimpressed by his apology.

"Look this is difficult for me," he started to defend himself.

"Yes Dad. But you're not the only for whom this is difficult!" She pointed out and his head fell.

"I know," he sighed. "All I want …," he paused searching for the right words, "What I ask you for is a little bit of patience, please."

She stared at the floor in front of her for what seemed to be an eternity until she finally shrugged, "Okay, I guess I can do that."

"Thank you," he said and tried a small smile in her direction, but Alexis shrugged it off and sidestepped Martha to climb up the stairs.

"I have homework to do." She said over her shoulder before she disappeared.

His eyes followed her retreat until she was out of sight, shaking his head he let out a sigh, he needed to get this under control.

"So what was that about?" Martha asked, walking towards him.

"My eating habits," he elaborated and sat back down on the couch.

"Okay, she's right then, you know that? You haven't eaten much in the past 6 days."

"I know, I'm just not hungry."

"Well, you need to eat nevertheless." Martha stated and looked pointedly at him, waiting for him to acknowledge her in some way.

"I need to make a call," he suddenly said and stalked towards the office.

* * *

><p>Beckett sat beside Gates and stared at the monitor waiting for the video conference to start. She dreaded it, because they had nothing. She would sit there like an idiot telling the German authorities that all they had was a picture of some mysterious John from California who might or might not be linked to the murder of Maren Leichsenring. And that was it. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, earning a stern glare from Gates, which made her stop, sighing deeply and tipping her pen against the wood of the table instead.<p>

"Beckett," Gates hissed. "Stop it!"

She did. She really didn't want to be here. The knock on the door pulled her out of her thoughts and she felt some kind of hope when Esposito poked his head through the door.

"Sorry to interrupt," Esposito apologized, "But we have him!"

Gates raised one eyebrow, "Who?"

"John Whiter, the guy from the Facebook picture." Esposito explained.

Beckett's head snapped around to look at Gates who gave her a tight nod. "Go, I'll do this alone."

Beckett did not need to hear this twice she shot out of the room and followed Esposito, maybe a bit too eagerly, but she didn't care.

"How did you find him?" She asked when they looked through the double glass at the young man from the picture.

"He was standing right in front of the Empire State Building, we just had to pick him up."

"Does he know why he's here?" Beckett questioned while studying their suspect.

"He does know that it's about Maren Leichsenring, but that's all. We thought you might want to surprise him." Esposito grinned.

She nodded and grabbed her folder, ready to go in and get some answers.

* * *

><p>An hour later she knew a lot more but still had not caught the killer. Kate knew the minute she told John Whiter that Maren Leichsenring was dead he didn't do it. She saw his whole world crumble to pieces the minute he realised it was true, that Maren was gone. He told her how they had met in California the previous summer, how they had fallen in love head over heels and still decided to wait, to test their love. It had been her idea to meet on top of the Empire State Building, six months after they had met for the first time if they still felt the same. And if they were both there, they would give it a try. They hadn't talked about how and where, only that if after six months apart they still felt the same, there was a way. They would find it. When she hadn't been there, he didn't believe it was because her feelings had changed. He knew something must have happened, must have kept her from coming, and so he had returned and waited the next day and the day after that.<p>

Kate looked at the man whose world has been shattered, saying gently "She was on her way to meet you." Thinking he had the right to know and that it might give him some solace.

Rubbing his hands over his face the young man sighed, "We were stupid, if we hadn't waited." He sighed, "You think you'll have all the time in the world… " He trailed off.

Silence filled the room before John Whiter looked at Becket and asked, "Can I see her? I want to say goodbye."

He was no family member and normally she would have to say no, but she couldn't bring herself to do so. So she nodded, "I'll take you."

Beckett somehow managed to sneak out of the precinct without having to talk to Gates. _Let the boys deal with it._

She had called Lanie and asked her to get everything ready only to hear that Lanie was about to call her as well, she had found something.

They left John Whiter alone after Lanie had led them to Maren Leichsenring, telling him to take all the time he needed.

"That is so sad," Lanie said after the double doors had closed behind them and they walked into the lab next door. "You did the right thing. Letting him say goodbye."

"I know," Kate nodded.

"So how's writer boy doing?" Lanie asked and handed her friend a cup of coffee.

Kate sighed, "He still doesn't remember anything. And I can tell it's wearing him down, even though he's trying to hide it."

"It must be hard, when everyone else knows more about you than you do." Lanie said and then studied her friend, realising she looked even more tired than usual. "How are you doing?"

"Me? Why?" Kate sipped at her coffee, refusing to look at Lanie.

"Yeah you, girl! You two are close, so it must be affecting you. And don't give me the; I'm fine talk! That might work for the boys, but not for me."

Kate sighed, "He's still Castle you know, and yet somehow he's not. It's confusing. But there's not much I can do right now," she shrugged. There was more, but she couldn't talk about not without getting into the things she had kept from Castle since the shooting, things no one knew about but Dr. Burke. She knew how he looked at her. She knew he suspected that there was something between them. He might not remember but he felt the bond between them as much as she did, but while a remembering Castle wouldn't act on it, she wasn't sure that the Castle right now wouldn't. And it scared her because she didn't know how to handle it.

"So you said you found something?" She finally changed topics

Lanie shrugged and rolled her eyes, but reached for a tray, placing it in front of the Detective. "I told you about the fibre and tissue samples, right?"

Beckett nodded.

"Okay the tissue is not from our victim and it's not in the system, but if you bring me a suspect I can compare it."

John Whiter's tissue sample was already on the way over, just in case.

"And the fibre sample?" Beckett asked, hoping that this was getting them somewhere.

"Now that is a whole different story," Lanie said. And Beckett knew they finally had a lead.


	12. Chapter 12

**Rocket Man Chapter XI  
><strong>

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><p>Here comes chapter 12. I hope you like it.<p>

As always thanks to the fabulous BBB's.

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p>Later that day she stood in the frame of his doorway, watching him. His eyes were closed, but she could tell, he wasn't sleeping, his face had that same troubled expression she had seen the other day at the hospital. He was in pain.<p>

"Hey," she said softly and he turned his head towards her, opening his eyes.

"Hey," he mumbled and tried to sit up, grunting.

She pushed herself off the door and crossed the room quickly to press him gently back into the cushions, "You stay right where you are," she demanded and couldn't resist brushing a strand of hair from his forehead, "Your head hurting again?"

He nodded and eased back into the cushions, closing his eyes with a sigh.

"Did the boys wear you out?" she asked with a smile which faded quickly when she saw the firm lines around his eyes and mouth. She didn't like to see him like this. It made her wonder if she had caused the same expression during her absence for three months.

"Sort of. It was nice though," his gruff voice cut through her thoughts, "until you ordered them away."

"Well, we had a bad guy to catch. You boys can have some more play time on the weekend." She meant it to sound funny but her voice betrayed her, breaking at her last words. If he noticed the change in her voice he didn't let on. His eyes were still firmly shut.

"Can you do it again?" he suddenly asked, causing her to frown.

"Do what again?" she questioned.

"What you did the last time," he clarified, and whilst she knew what he meant, still she hesitated. She wanted to comfort him, would be lying if she wasn't pleased that she could offer him something to make him feel better, but her earlier worries hadn't disappeared. Kate didn't want to give him the wrong impression, did not want to confuse him more than he already was. Then she looked at him, saw the pain displayed all over his face, and decided that her worries weren't important right now. It needed to be about him, not about her.

"Where are you going?" He asked, alerted when he heard her move away from him, but then felt the mattress shift as her warm body settled down next to him.

"Where do you think I'm going?" she asked puzzled, her fingers coming to dance over his skull like she'd done it before, trying to ease the pain.

He sighed, giving in to the sensation of relief her fingers brought to the throbbing pain in his head, "So you caught the killer?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Who did it?" he asked, already feeling slightly better just because she was there.

"Juan Sarazibar."

"The Spanish opera friend? I didn't know he was a suspect." He mumbled surprised, followed by a grunt of contentment this time, not pain.

"He wasn't until Lanie identified some fibre samples we found on the crime scene as being a very expensive Spanish tuxedo fabric. When we paid Mr. Sarazibar another visit we found the victim's mobile phone in his hotel room."

"He didn't get rid of it?" He asked, trying to put the pieces together in his head. "But didn't you tell me he was having dinner with the other opera lady?"

She shook her head, "Turned out that he told Petra Krüger he had to make a quick stop at the hotel to pick something up before meeting her at the restaurant. So they didn't share a cab."

"But he never went back to his hotel," he concluded.

"No," she confirmed. "He followed Maren Leichsenring and killed her."

"But why?"

"She rejected him," Kate was still struggling to believe that was the motive behind all of this.

"He loved her?" she could feel him frown.

"I wouldn't call it love," she replied thoughtfully.

"No, you're right."

They were silent for awhile, both lost in their thoughts. She thought he had finally fallen asleep when he suddenly spoke again.

"What about her boyfriend? Esposito and Ryan told me you found him."

"Yes, thanks to you." She couldn't hide the pride shining through her words, as she regarded him beside her. Even with no memory he still helped to solve crimes. "He will bring her home," she added quietly.

"That's love," he mumbled and then grunted in pain.

"You should try to get some sleep," she said, worry clearly written over her features. "Are those headache's normal?"

"Apparently they are," he sighed.

"Have you taken anything?" she questioned.

"Yes, should kick in any minute," he mumbled.

"What about your injection?"

"It's in the bathroom," he muttered, not pleased she had remembered.

"I'll be right back," she said and climbed off the bed to head to the bathroom. Kate found the injection easily enough, but hesitated a moment to take in her surroundings. Yesterday she had been distracted by him and his presence so now decided to take a minute to look around. The walk-in shower, the two washstands, and the bath tub big enough for two, _yes, she noticed that_. She saw a lot of natural stones and wood, creating a warm and comfy feeling and she liked it, it was him. _Ruggedly-handsome._

"I don't want to," he whined the minute she returned, and Kate couldn't help but chuckle.

"You really are a big baby!"

He huffed and then groaned, "Ouch." His hand flew up to press against his head.

"Come on," she said, "I'll be gentle."

Somehow that brought an inappropriate picture to his mind and he couldn't stop the smirk coming to his lips.

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Castle!" she commanded, rolling her eyes.

Reluctantly he pulled up his shirt and squeezed his eyes shut, awaiting the torture. But all he could remember once she was done were her warm fingers on his skin. She had tucked him in and turned of the lights, leaving him to get some rest before she walked back into the living room to find Martha.

"Why didn't you tell me she sold the baby?" Martha demanded to know when Kate entered the room.

"What?" Kate looked at her confused.

"Not you, darling," Martha laughed. "I have an audition tomorrow. I'm once again up for the role of grandmother Ruby." She sighed dramatically, putting her script away and patting the bar stool next to her. "How's the big boy doing?"

Kate grinned and took the seat next to Castle's mother, "His head is giving him a hard time."

Martha nodded, "He refused to take painkillers for hours. Said it was messing with his head. Can I offer you something to drink?"

"A glass of water would be nice," Kate said and her view wandered to the stair case, not unnoticed by the other woman.

"Alexis, is in her room," Martha suggested, when she placed the glass in front of Kate.

"Mmh," Kate answered.

"The longer you wait, the harder it's going to be."

Kate sighed, "You're right." Downing the glass of water she stood up. _Time to face the music._

* * *

><p>She stood in front of Alexis' room, hand raised ready to knock, her heart pounding like crazy, and she knew there was no way out, she had to do this and make it count. Because she knew if she wanted her chance with Castle, she needed Alexis on her side.<p>

"Grams?" Alexis asked when she heard the knocking on the door.

Kate opened it hesitantly, "Alexis?"

Alexis looked up and stared at the woman now standing in her doorway, "Detective Beckett."

"Can I come in?" Kate asked.

Alexis shrugged, and looking up to meet Kate's eyes briefly she finally nodded and sat down on the bed. Kate stepped into the room, closing the door to lean against it. She could hear her own heart beating fiercely against her ribcage and the blood rushing through her ears, was sure Alexis could hear it too.

"What do you want?" Castle's daughter asked harshly. Kate swallowed a sigh, _at least she hadn't thrown her out_. It was something, a start and Kate knew she had to be grateful for it. Had to take whatever she was offered.

Staring at her hands, clutched in front of her stomach Kate tried to find the right words, "I want you to know I understand. But I also need you to know the last thing I wanted was to hurt him. And I have no excuse for what I did, but I'm really trying to make it up to him." Her tone was pleading, "I really am trying."

Kate stood pressed to the door, eyes on the floor and when she didn't know what else to say, she reached for the doorknob, _she was lousy at this._

"I know you are," Alexis' voice cut through the silence and Kate froze against the door, taking a deep breath. "I'm angry and disappointed, but I can see you are trying." She paused and looked at Kate. "After all, you are here."

Kate took a tentative step forward encouraged by Alexis' words and sat down at the very end of the bed, "I am here and I'm listening."

Sighing Alexis stood up, if she was going to do this, she needed to move. She knew how much it must have taken Kate to come to see her and she respected that, so she might as well get it all out.

"We like you Kate. Grams and I," the use of the present tense didn't go unnoticed by Kate and it gave her hope, "Dad normally keeps the women in his life away from us." She knew exactly what she implied with her words. Kate was not only one of the women in her father's life, Kate Beckett was _the_ woman in his life and Kate needed to hear it. "He thinks he needs to protect us, though he's the one who needs protecting most of the time."

Kate looked at her, confused. "I'm not sure I understand."

Alexis wasn't sure she should talk about this, but there was no other way she could see to make Kate realise what this was all about, "They never want _him_."

"Who?" Kate questioned, a lump forming in her throat.

"Women," Alexis elaborated. "Sure they want the famous writer, the fancy book parties, the money, the public persona of Richard Castle and all the amenities that come along with it. What they don't want is the family guy, the father of a teenage daughter who is living with his mother. The man who would rather have a movie night with his family than go to every new club opening. The man who stays home to play laser tag with his daughter rather than going out and having dinner in a fancy restaurant."

"Is that what happened with Gina?" Kate knew she really shouldn't ask this question, especially not of Alexis, but she had always wondered what happened between Richard Castle and his ex-wives.

"Sort of. He just never really let her in, not into his life with us anyway. I think he knew it wouldn't work out and it was just easier this way for all of us." Kate had to admit she couldn't picture Gina in sweat pants on his couch, eating popcorn while watching a horror movie, much less playing laser tag.

"You're the first," she looked at Kate, "The first he let in. The first he's ever wanted to be part of this family."

Kate knew it was true, he had taken her in when she had nowhere to go. He had asked her for advice regarding Alexis, had asked her to look after his daughter should something happen to him. He had trusted her with what was most important in his life, _his family_, and they had welcomed her with open arms.

"We let you in, we trusted you, all of us, and then you just walked away." Alexis bit her lip, looking desperate. "Away from him and with that walked away from all of us."

Kate swallowed, "Alexis I… " But Alexis cut her off.

"Did he ever tell you how my mom left?" she asked, tears now shining in her eyes. Kate shook her head.

"She did just that. She just left. One day she was here, the next she had gone. Ran off with some director to California, leaving Dad and me behind without so much as a second thought." Alexis' voice was firm, almost cold. "I thought you were different."

Kate bit down on her lip, fighting back tears. She hadn't known, had no idea the memories her three months of silence had erupted in all of them. She stared at the floor, unable to form even a single sentence. The room was silent until Alexis spoke again.

"I thought you were different, because you were the first to understand he comes as a package-deal and you let him be himself." Alexis raised her arms in gesture that told Kate what ever came next might sound unimportant, or even ridiculous, but it wasn't. Not to Alexis. "You made breakfast for all of us when you were staying over after your apartment blew up." Kate had never thought that making breakfast could make such a difference, and she understood the gesture had been important to Alexis, however still felt a major _but_ approaching. So Alexis' next words took her by surprise. "And you _are_ different Kate, because _you came back_. It took me awhile to see it. I couldn't understand how Dad could forgive you so easily, but I get it now. _You_ _came back_." She let that linger before she continued. "And you are here _now_."

Relief washed through Kate, she had expected another yelling match, more accusations, anything but this calm and insightful consideration, and she felt it was only fair to give something back. Even if it was hard, even if it meant it made her more vulnerable, Kate knew that she had to start, and looking at her hands in her lap, she softly started speaking.

"After my mother died," she swallowed. "My father - he started to drink. He took her death very badly, and instead of having someone to take care of me when I needed it the most, I was suddenly the one who needed to take care of my father. And it made me think I was better off doing things on my own. that I didn't need anybody. I did not want to let anybody in. Just to be let down again." She knew Alexis wasn't the one who needed to hear her next words, at least not primarily, but now she had to get them out. Kate couldn't hold them in any longer and since she couldn't tell him, at least not now, she told his daughter. "You're dad is the first to get in, I don't know how he did it, but somehow he managed it and after the shooting it was all too much. I know there are other ways to deal with what happened, rather than running away from everything, but it was the only way I knew."

She felt more than saw Alexis move, sitting down next to her and then the small hand of her partner's daughter covered hers and she knew she had to take that last step as well.

"I don't want to be that person anymore," she said as she lifted her head to look at Alexis, and was greeted with the warmest smile she had ever seen on Alexis' face.

"I think you are well on your way."


	13. Chapter 13

**Rocket Man Chapter XIII  
><strong>

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><p>A big, big thanks to all of you! You rock! All you reviews have been so kind. Thank you, thank you!<p>

As always thanks to the fabulous BBB's.

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p><em>And I think it's gonna be a long long time<br>Till touch down brings me round again to find  
>I'm not the man they think I am at home<br>Oh no no no I'm a rocket man  
>Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone<em>

* * *

><p>She sat over a pile of paperwork, actually the second pile, the one for the Germans. It was extra work, but she didn't care. Not today. She felt better than she had in months, some of the weight she'd carried since the summer had been lifted from her shoulders, some of the darkness surrounding her since her mother's murder had disappeared. She didn't feel free from all of it, the wall was still there and she knew there was more, more talking to be done, more of the past to leave behind, but she felt ready. Maybe not ready to go the whole distance, not ready to dive in, but ready to make a start, to give something back. Whenever <em>he<em> was ready and, for once, she would be the one to do the waiting.

"Yo Beckett! Ryan and I are heading out for lunch, you want something?" Esposito pulled her out of her thoughts, standing at his desk and calling to her.

She looked up, regarding him for a moment, "Where are you going?"

"Chinese?" He suggested, looking at Ryan who nodded.

"No thanks," she declined, seeing the boys weren't pleased with her answer. Kate knew all too well it was Castle's job to feed her. Her boys had some strange silent agreement about that aspect of _her_ life and she had - just as silently - accepted it. Of course she would never tell them. It amused her to see their struggle now, as without Castle they obviously didn't know how to stand their ground. "I'll get something later." She assured them, turning her attention back to her paperwork, hoping to finally get them going, as she ignored them.

Ryan and Esposito shrugged helplessly and left, knowing they didn't stand a chance if their boss had made up her mind. Castle would have just kept annoying Beckett until she finally caved in. But the two detectives knew they didn't have that kind of power over her_, only Castle did_.

Secretly watching them leave, she waited until the elevator doors closed behind them before she made her way over to the break room to get a fresh cup of coffee. She didn't want to stay a minute longer than absolutely necessary at the precinct, some irresistible force urging her back to the loft, back to _him_.

Her departure the night before had been awkward. Kate knew she couldn't expect everything to be fine just because she and Alexis had talked things through. One thing she had learned during her sessions with Dr. Burke was; everything was a process. It would take time to earn Alexis' trust back, but they had cleared the air, set the stage for a fresh start and gained a new understanding, which made so many things seem possible that had been out of reach just a day ago.

Castle had been fast asleep when she'd left. Kate hadn't the heart to wake him, he looked so peaceful and at ease, so she had quietly sneaked out of his room with the unspoken promise to return the next day.

While collecting her coat and shoes, Alexis had breezed down the stairs to get herself something to drink, asking Kate if she would be back tomorrow and nodding in approval when she heard the Detective's affirmation. Turning around to say goodnight to Martha she had caught Castle's mother studying her with an expression she could only describe as one of pride. Martha hadn't said anything though, just wrapped the younger woman in her arms and whispered, "_Until tomorrow," _before letting her go.

The Detective was once again pulled from her thoughts when Gates poked her head through her office door, "Beckett? A word."

Nodding she stood up, collecting her reports and glancing at her watch, Kate hoped the meeting wouldn't ruin her plans. Hoping feverently there was no new case Gates needed her to work on.

* * *

><p>Castle stared at the ceiling, wondering about the strange wood patterns and why they made these funny little circles at the end of each segment. Was there meaning behind it or was it just because it looked nice?<p>

"Mr. Castle?"

He turned his head around towards the man sitting opposite him, "Where did you get these wood panels?" he asked, earning a puzzled look from the other man.

"Mr. Castle, I hardly doubt you are here to talk about the interior," he gave his patient a pointed look, "Let's get back to your relationship with Detective Beckett."

Castle turned his attention to his therapist, thoughtfully choosing his next words, "I don't know what it is, there's just something about her. I feel this connection, as if we have a history."

"You told me you've been working with her for three years, so it's only natural that you would have a history, even though you don't remember it at this point."

Castle shook his head, impatient because he had no idea how he was supposed to make him understand when he himself had no clue what it was about her, _about them_. "No, there's more. It's more than that."

"And could there be a possibility these feelings are new?"

"No," Castle's voice was firm, certain, "This is not new. It sounds crazy but I _know_ it's not new."

"So what do you think you two are?"

"I don't know," he said, staring past the therapist, focusing on the long line of books assembled in a gigantic bookshelf. "I don't know _what_ we are."

"Mr. Castle, what you are going through is, at the very least, confusing, if not a life changing experience. This can make it hard to determine which feelings are real and which are born from the desire to belong somewhere or _to _someone. There is a chance these feelings come from the desire to feel connected again. To have a relationship which is not embedded in your family."

"You mean I'm making this up?" Castle asked, irritated.

"What I'm trying to say is, because of your memory loss, you might look for connections that aren't there. That those feelings might appear stronger than they actually are, since you have nothing to compare them to."

"I have feelings for my daughter and my mother," Castle defended, not willing to give up whatever it was he felt for Kate. Not without a fight. Not when her presence made him feel the way it did.

"It's a very positive sign you feel this strong bond toward your family, many patients who suffer from memory loss have major problems reconnecting with their families, but still; it's a connection you were born with, while all other relationships in your life have been individually sought by you and grown over time. There's a difference."

He didn't want to talk about this, really didn't want someone to try and steal her away, and for him it felt that this was exactly what his therapist was trying to do. He was trying to take Kate away from him, and that would be taking away his lifeline, he _needed_ her.

Sensing his discomfort the therapist sat at the edge of his chair, closing the distance between him and his patient, "Mr. Castle I didn't say it has to be like this, but I want you to be open to the possibility. Your situation is complicated enough as it is, and we don't want to add false expectations to it." He paused and looked at his notes once more. "I know you came here to try hypnosis therapy today, but since you are still suffering from severe headaches we need to postpone until they relent."

Castle's shoulders sank, he had been so hopeful, and now there was more waiting. He needed to get his memory back, he was tired of waiting.

"You will get there. Give yourself time." His therapist said in this calm tone only someone of his profession could muster.

Sighing Castle got up and extended his hand, "Yeah not much else for me to do, anyway."

* * *

><p>Of course Kate had to stay longer than she had intended, going over every detail of the case, again and again until Gates was satisfied. When she finally left the precinct Esposito and Ryan were long gone. She had wanted to stop at her apartment before she made her way over to the loft, but decided against it, not willing to waste any more time.<p>

Martha opened the door for her and Kate immediately sensed something was wrong, "Kate, good, you're here," Castle's mother seemed genuinely relieved as she pulled her son's partner into the loft.

"What happened?" Kate asked, instantly worried.

"It's Richard," Martha sighed and guided Kate towards the couch, pulling her down to sit next to her, "He's in a really bad mood today."

"Why?" Kate asked, shrugging off her scarf, placing it on the arm rest next to her.

"I'm not sure. He's not talking about it. He saw his therapist today, and really hoped he could start the hypnosis therapy they recommended, but apparently he has to wait until his headaches settle down. He didn't take it well, but he refuses to talk about it."

Kate frowned, now more than a little worried, "Where is he?"

"On the roof top, probably staring into space," Martha rolled her eyes, "He went up there after another fight with Alexis. That was two hours ago and he doesn't want to speak to, or see anyone."

"How's Alexis doing?" Kate asked, she could only imagine how hard this was for his daughter.

"I told her it would be best if she spent the night with Paige, give them both some space to get their bearings." Martha looked heartbroken, "It's so hard for her."

Kate nodded, reaching out to place her hand over Martha's, "I think you did the right thing."

"Kate, can I ask you a favor?" Martha looked at the younger woman in front of her who had been such a great support over the past days, unsure if she could really ask her for more.

"Of course Martha, anything," Kate squeezed Martha's hand to reassure her, knowing that whatever was on her mind would be okay with Kate.

"I have this business dinner tonight. It's about money for the acting studio and I would cancel it if it wasn't so important and -," she took a deep breath, "I really need to get out of here for a while, but I don't want to leave him alone like this."

Kate smiled, "Go, I'll stay here. I'm not on call and I don't have to go into work tomorrow, so you just go and try to enjoy your evening."

"Are you sure?"

Kate nodded in affirmation and stood up, pulling Martha with her, "I'm sure."

"Thank you, darling." Martha and started for the door, turning around once more she said, "Maybe you could try to get some food into him, he hasn't eaten anything since breakfast."

Kate chuckled and seeing Martha's questioning eyes she explained, "Normally it's the other way around."

"So I've heard," Martha smiled back with one raised eyebrow. "You have my number, so if… ."

Kate didn't let her finish, "We'll be fine Martha, don't worry."

Reaching for the Detective's hand, the older woman squeezed it once more, "Thank you, Kate."

* * *

><p>She stepped onto the rooftop of Castle's building, out into the cold, dark night, the noises of the city reaching her from a distance. Numb that's how it felt and she wondered if he felt the same. <em>Numb<em>. She turned around and spotted him standing a couple of feet away, staring into space just as Martha had predicted. Tentatively she closed the distance between them, unsure if she should reach out to him, she decided to make her presence known first, not wanting to startle him.

"Castle?" her voice was soft, almost a caress, but he didn't turn around, just kept staring into the night sky.

"I heard this song today," he suddenly spoke, his voice gruff and sad. "It's about a man lost in space, not knowing how to find his way back home. His family is waiting, but he just can't figure out how to come back to them. How to be the man they think he is."

"Rocket Man," she whispered, remembering the Elton John song from so many years ago.

"Yes, like a Rocket Man, that's how I feel," he finally turned around and what she saw in his eyes, broke her heart. He looked utterly lost and helpless.

"Castle," she whispered and he looked at her, raising his shoulders and letting them fall again in a desperate gesture.

"I don't know what to do," he admitted.

It only took her a second to close the remaining distance between them, wrapping her arms around his middle and pulling him close. Kate had forgotten about his injury, but judging by the way his good arm crushed her to his chest, he didn't care either. Her head tucked under his jaw, her slightly parted lips at his throat, while he buried himself into her hair, as they breathed each other in. Kate registered that the situation would normally be way too intimate for the two of them, but didn't care. _Anything. Anything to make him feel better._

She didn't know how long they stayed wrapped up in each other's arms when he made her chuckle, "You smell like cherries."

"Yes, I do." She simply confirmed and stepped out of their embrace only to reach for his hand, "Come on," she tugged him forward, "Let's get back inside. It's freezing out here."

He followed, watching her lead the way down the staircase until they were back on his floor. She opened the door with the key Martha had given her before leaving and he frowned, "Your mother has gone out to attend a business dinner."

"You mean she fled like my daughter," he replied defeated, sounding bitter. She was not used to him sounding bitter. In fact she had only heard this tone once, after the book signing in the fall, when for a second she'd feared she had lost him.

"Castle, don't." She shook her head at him while entering the loft, "I think a little bit of space will do you all good."

He didn't answer, just followed her into the kitchen where she signalled him to have a seat.

"What do you want to eat?" she asked already poking her head into the fridge to see what she could come up with.

"I'm not hungry," he mumbled, staring out of the window.

She regarded him for a moment, before she closed the fridge and stepped closer to him, "You have to eat."

"I don't want to," he retorted, sounding like a stubborn child.

"It's not a suggestion." She simply stated and filled a pot with water, placing it on the stove.

Dinner was ready 20 minutes later and while in the beginning still reluctant, Castle finally seemed to give up his hunger strike and ate the pasta Kate had made.

"This is good," he finally admitted and found her smiling back at him.

"Good to know," she accepted the compliment, mainly just pleased he was eating.

They ate in silence for awhile and Kate was struggling, could she ask him what had him so upset? She sensed there was more to his mood than the postponed hypnosis therapy. But before she could make a decision Castle yawned and got up from his chair, taking his plate and placing it into the sink.

"I'm tired," he said and looked sorry, he didn't want to end their evening like this, but the days events had taken a toll on him.

Kate nodded, "Go ahead. I'm cleaning up and then I'm coming for your injection."

He nodded, not even protesting the injection as he made his way through the office and into his bedroom, her eyes following him. She wished there was more she could do for him, but had no idea where to start.

His eyes were on her the second she walked through the door, but in contrast to the previous nights her appearance did not lighten his mood, and she noticed.

Walking around the bed and coming to stand next to him she waved her hand at him, "Scoot over."

He raised an eyebrow at her, but did as he was told, watching her sit on the edge of his bedside, facing him.

"What's going on?" She asked and studied him closely.

"Nothing, I'm just... I really would have liked to try the hypnosis today," he shrugged. She wasn't buying it.

"Somehow I have the feeling there's more. What did the therapist say?" He avoided her eyes, looking past her. Her hand came to rest on his thigh, which caused him to look at her involuntarily. "Rick, what did he say?"

"He said," Castle swallowed, unsure it was safe to reveal so much, "He said I might feel things which aren't real."

"What kind of things?" she frowned.

"Things," he avoided her question.

"Is this about Alexis and Martha?" She started guessing now.

"No," he shook his head, "No, not them. It's all so… What if I never remember? How am I suppose to know what's real and what's just in my head?"

"Castle, you will remember. You just have to give yourself some time." Her hand on his thigh squeezed gently, without her even noticing.

"But what if I don't?" He was working himself up now, "Kate, I have a daughter and I don't remember a single thing about her. How I felt the day she was born, her first steps, her first smile and words. Nothing! What kind of father does not remember his own daughter?"

"Castle this is not your fault." It killed her to see him like this, doubting his skills as a father, when truly she had hardly ever seen a greater father than him.

"It doesn't matter whose fault it is. I'm the one who can't remember!"

"You will."

"What if I don't?" He looked at her desperate, willing her to tell him it was going to be alright.

"You will make new memories." She said quietly, "Alexis and Martha will tell you about the old ones and you will add new ones."

"What about us?" He asked, staring at her hand on his thigh and she suddenly understood what this was all about. He was doubting his feelings for her. She sighed and waited until he looked at her before she answered him.

"We will make new memories as well," she said gently.

"And the old ones?" he asked.

"If you don't remember, I'll tell you about them. I promise."

They gazed at each other, neither able to look away. His right hand reaching out and he half expected her to shy away, but she didn't. His hand came up, cupping her cheek, fingers sliding through her hair, when to his surprise she leant into the touch. Her left hand coming to rest over his, holding him in place, when she turned her face and placed a soft kiss on his palm.

"Don't doubt your feelings," she whispered, before she let go of his hand and rose, walking into the bathroom to get his injection.


	14. Chapter 14

**Rocket Man Chapter XIV  
><strong>

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><p>You made this my most successful story so far. Thank you guys!<p>

As always thanks to the fabulous BBB's.

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p>Kate leant against the counter, her eyes closed, as she let out a huff of air. <em>Why had she said that?<em> He was confused enough as it was, and she had to go and add to it by implying they did have a history. Because that's what it must have sounded like for him, right? Talking about old memories, and making new ones, telling him not to doubt his feelings. _Gosh! She was an idiot!_ How was he supposed to make sense of all of this, to read her subtext the right way?

_But what choice did she have_? He was so broken, so sad. And she couldn't possibly let him believe he was mistaken in his feelings for her. If she were totally honest with herself, the simple truth was she didn't want him to doubt his feelings for her. Not when she was so close to being ready. Pushing herself off the counter, Kate grabbed the injection and braced herself to go back in. It was too late now anyway. She _had_ said it, and now she had to deal with the consequences.

Castle's eyes had been fixed on the doorway to the bathroom since she had disappeared through it, anxiously awaiting her return. To say he was confused would have been an understatement. A couple of days ago he had been informed he had no romantic history with the Detective, and just minutes ago she told him not to doubt his feelings. What feelings was she talking about? His feelings for her? _Gosh, he hoped so._ But what was he suppose to do now? What did she expect him to do? Did she expect him to do anything? Did it matter right now? Should he just dwell on the feeling she had elicited in him with her words? He was again at a loss, but for the first time it didn't scare him as much, he would just follow her lead.

Castle's eyes were on her the minute she reappeared through the door, but he didn't say a word. He simply watched her go through the routine of her giving him the injection, her hand soft and warm against his skin. He didn't even flinch, too enraptured by her.

"You okay?" Kate asked, smoothing his shirt back down and looking at him for the first time since she had returned.

He nodded, "Much better," and paused, making sure she was really looking at him. "Thank you."

"For what?" Kate raised one eyebrow in the most adorable way, he could imagine.

"For listening," he explained, smiling.

Returning the smile she nodded and then looked helplessly at her hands, "You should get some rest now," she said finally. "Is your head okay?"

"Yeah," he assured, still watching her every movement.

"I'll be in the living room if you need anything," she said, starting towards the door.

"Can you stay?" he asked almost shyly.

"I'll stay until Martha gets back," she replied surprised, thinking it had been clear.

"No, what I mean is, can you stay here tonight?" Castle looked at the empty side of his bed, knowing he was taking a big risk with his suggestion.

"I – uhm," she stared at the floor.

"It's just … It's worse at night. I have trouble sleeping because I have nothing to distract me from thinking about everything I don't remember. And believe me, thinking about _nothing_ is pretty pathetic."

Kate smiled, but it wasn't real, "Castle, - I don't know." This was too much. He was asking for too much.

"No, I understand. It's okay." He tried to wave her off, pretending it wasn't a big deal. "I guess feeling lonely makes me whiny." He shrugged, trying a smile she didn't buy.

"Castle, I," he cut her off.

"It's okay Kate, really. I shouldn't have asked. You've done more than enough the past few days."

She shouldn't. She really shouldn't. It was dangerous territory, she wasn't ready. But then again, what was he actually asking for? He just didn't want to be alone, right? She could do that, keep him company, each of them on their respective sides of the bed. If their circumstances had been reversed, she wouldn't have to ask him twice.

"Okay," she heard herself say.

"Okay?" Castle was sure he'd misheard, still he sounded hopeful.

"No funny business," she demanded with mock sternness, but unable to hide her smile.

He raised his right arm innocently, "Katherine Beckett, I'd never…"

She laughed whole heartedly, "I'll hold you to that!"

Kate found a shirt and some sweat pants in his closet, both way too big for her slim body but workable for one night, then disappeared into the bathroom once more. She had discovered an unpacked tooth brush the other day and decided it was okay for her to claim it.

Getting ready she asked herself a million times if she was doing the right thing, knowing it was redundant as there was no way to back out now. With one last look at her reflection in the mirror, she placed her clothes on the counter behind her and stepped back into the bedroom.

Castle hadn't moved, but his eyes were closed and Kate wondered if he had already fallen asleep. She moved to his side and looked down at him, startling as he spoke, "You're staring."

"Just checking if you need anything." she hastily muttered, when he opened his blue eyes to beam up at her.

Castle was tempted to say: _Only you. _But he knew he couldn't. He was still in awe she had actually agreed to stay, and he needed to be careful. He might not remember anything, but he could read her. She was uncertain, on edge, and with one wrong move she would run.

"Maybe a glass of water for the painkillers," he requested instead.

"You said your head was fine," she was immediately worried and it was a horrible thing to think, but he liked to see her worried, at least when she was worried about him.

"More of a precaution," he reassured her. "It's really not that bad."

Only slightly convinced, Kate made her way to the kitchen to fetch him some water. Returning, she sat down on the edge of Castle's side of the bed and handed him the glass and the painkillers. Studying him while he placed the now empty glass on the nightstand, she wondered how much he did not tell her about what was going on in his head and how much it pained her. She finally understood that this was how he must have been feeling since that day in the cemetery, an outsider to her feelings.

Her hand reached out, brushing a strand of hair off his forehead, "I'm here," she simply stated, hoping he would understand.

"I know. I can see you," he smiled, lost in her eyes, shining with so much more than she was admitting.

And then she leaned forward, so very tempted to kiss him on the lips, but she couldn't, _not yet_, so she let her lips linger a moment longer than necessary at his cheek, before pulling back to walk to the other side of the bed. _Her_ side?

Settling in next to him, she couldn't help but notice how right this felt and how comfortable she was being here, no matter the circumstances.

"Good night, Kate." Castle whispered in the dark.

"Night, Castle. And if you get lonely, wake me up." She whispered back.

Later that night Martha returned to a quiet and dark loft, wondering if Kate had left, before she spotted her shoes and coat still in the closet. Making her way through her son's study into his bedroom, she raised a surprised brow at the sight in front of her. In bed with her son was his partner, snuggled up next to him, her right arm across his chest over his injured one, which was still secured to his torso, while his good arm held her close, content smiles on both of their faces.

Carefully retreating so she wouldn't wake them, Martha returned to the living room, smirking, "Who would have thought… "

* * *

><p>Kate woke the next morning with a strange sense of déjà vu, feeling safe and happy as she opened her eyes and saw the reason for her contentment. <em>Castle<em>. Lying next to her was her partner, looking irresistibly cute. His hair was a mess, and she knew hers probably was too, but he looked so peaceful and relaxed. She rolled her eyes for her own benefit, glad he was asleep as she made love eyeballs all over him. _Again_. The only difference this time was there were no cuffs and no tiger.

Realizing that his arm was holding her close, she tensed. She shouldn't stay like this. She had no idea when or how she had made her way into his arms, but yet again, this was way too intimate for them. And once he woke up it would become awkward. Still she didn't move, lingering just a moment longer to feel his steady heart beat under her palm, which was resting over his heart, before she finally untangled herself carefully from his grip and slipped out of bed. Throwing one last glance over her shoulder at his sleeping form, she made her way through his study and into the living room.

Alexis opened the front door half an hour later, welcomed by the smell of bacon, scrambled eggs and pancakes, but the smile on her face quickly faded when she saw who was standing in the kitchen, clad in her father's clothes. The talk she'd had with her father's partner had been good, Alexis could see Kate was trying to help wherever she could, and she even believed she hadn't hurt her father on purpose, but she hadn't meant for the Detective to jump into bed with him, especially not under these circumstances, and Alexis' tone left no doubt she wasn't pleased by what she saw.

"What are you doing here?" she demanded to know, startling Kate.

"Alexis, hi, you're back early," Kate observed and only now became aware of the look on her face. Looking down at herself she understood, "It's not what it looks like!" She quickly exclaimed. Alexis kept staring, glued to the spot. "Your Dad didn't want to be alone last night, so I stayed. That's all. Nothing happened." Somehow it felt a bit ridiculous to Kate, to defend herself like this, but she certainly did not want Castle's daughter to believe she had taken advantage of the situation. _As strange as that might sound._

Alexis regarded her father's partner with a stern look, knowing Kate better than to actually consider something had happened between the two of them, but she was hurt. It hurt that her father was obviously more comfortable around _her_ than his own daughter. It wasn't Kate's fault, and Alexis knew as much, but it still hurt.

"Did you already have breakfast?" Kate tried to change the topic. Alexis shook her head. "Scrambled eggs?" Kate suggested and held up the pan in her hand, raising a questioning brow.

Finally Alexis moved, walking over to the kitchen counter and dropping herself on one of the bar stools.

"Bacon?" Alexis asked hopefully and rewarded Kate with the first smile of the morning when she held up another pan. Kate filled a plate, placing it in front of Alexis.

"Coffee?" Kate questioned.

"Yes, thanks," Alexis nodded, still a little tense, not sure what she should think about all of this.

Kate watched her partner's daughter, digging into her breakfast, sensing she was somehow trying to avoid her.

"How are you doing?" The older woman finally asked, watching the emotions wash over the girl's face.

Alexis shrugged, putting her fork down and looking at Kate, "How's he?"

"Better, I think." Kate replied honestly, sensing there was more on Alexis' mind, "Alexis?"

"Why does he talk to _you_?" Accusation was swinging in the younger woman's voice.

Kate swallowed, how was she supposed to explain this, "I don't know. Maybe it's easier."

"It should be easy for him to talk to _me_," Alexis said irritated.

"Alexis, I'm not trying to keep you away from your Dad or come between the two of you. I couldn't and I would never even consider something like that. I hope you know I'm just trying to help."

Alexis sighed, "I know. I know. It's just he's so comfortable around you and we can hardly stay in the same room without getting into a fight."

Kate reached out, placing her hand over Alexis' much like the younger woman had done just yesterday, "Alexis, your father loves you so very, very much. You are everything to him and nothing is going to change that," she paused, making sure Alexis was listening, "I think he's scared to disappoint you. He wants more than anything in the world to remember all the great things you two did together and I think it's just harder for him to look at you, knowing there's so much he's missing. I guess the not remembering is easier with me, not so much history." Kate saw the small tug at the corner of Alexis' mouth, squeezing her hand she added, "It will get better. Trust me."

Alexis met the Detective's eyes, sincere and certain, and so much wiser than she should be at her age, "Thank you, Kate."

Smiling back, Kate pointed at the plate in front of Alexis, "Eat before it gets cold."

Castle joined them about twenty minutes later, delighted to see them chatting over the kitchen island, "Good Morning," he announced as he walked up to them.

"Kate made breakfast," Alexis beamed at him and Castle was glad she was obviously not holding a grudge against him because of yesterday's events. Placing a kiss on his daughter's head he glanced at the filled pans.

"Don't tell me you aren't hungry," Kate narrowed her eyes at him in silent warning.

But Castle shook his head, grinning, "As a matter of fact I am starving."

The two women exchanged a knowing look and Kate placed a plate in front of him filling it up with a bit of everything she had made, enjoying the sight of him digging into his breakfast. She joined them at the kitchen counter, sitting down next to Castle who was now framed by the two women.

"Where's Grams?" Alexis asked between bites. "Normally the smell of bacon lures her out of bed."

"It did, darling. It did." Martha stated coming down the stairs in a long red chiffon morning robe. "How is everyone?"

She received a number of muffled replies between chewing and stopped next to Kate, obviously not at all surprised by the Detective's presence or appearance. Kate figured Martha knew she had stayed the night and blushed, realising she must have seen them in bed together.

"Can I get you something?" She asked quickly, before Martha felt obligated to comment on her current state of attire.

"Darling, who can eat?" Martha sighed dramatically, patting Kate's arm. "Aspirin and water, that's what I need," she groaned and held her head.

"Too much wine, mother?" Castle smirked.

"Can we please not talk about it," Martha demanded before she gulped down the aspirin she had found. "Once you're my age…" but she didn't finish the sentence, instead settled for enjoying the scene playing out in front of her, Castle and his two ladies sharing breakfast together.

* * *

><p>After breakfast they all retreated to their rooms to get dressed., Kate taking the guest room she had occupied after her apartment had blown up. When she came back down, Alexis was already propped up on the couch, reading a book.<p>

"What are you reading?" Kate asked sitting down next to her, glancing at the back of the book.

"A tale of two cities," Alexis replied, holding the book up for Kate to see.

"Dickens," Kate nodded. "I read that one in College."

Alexis was about to say something, when her father came brushing through the office door, "Look what I found," he exclaimed excited.

"Monopoly," Alexis stated.

"Let's play it," he said, placing it on the coffee table in front of the two women.

"Now?" His daughter frowned.

"Yes, now! Duh," he made a funny face. "You always loved playing Monopoly."

"I did, but…," Alexis stopped, looking at him. "What?"

"You always loved playing Monopoly," he repeated, looking at her as if she was crazy.

"You remember?" Alexis asked.

He frowned, thinking and then slowly nodded, a bright smile forming on his lips, "Yes I do. I remember. We always played Monopoly when you were little."

"Dad!" She exclaimed and rushed into his arms.

Kate's smile could have brightened the whole world as she stepped closer to the two, gently rubbing her hand up his injured arm, "Is there anything else you remember?" She asked.

He thought, shaking his head, "No, that's the only thing."

"I'll tell Grams," Alexis exclaimed, already rushing up the stairs.

"Slow down," he called after her, before he grinned at Kate.

"I told you," Kate smiled back, "You will remember."

"It's not much," he said, the smile fading.

"Hey, it's a start," she encouraged him. "I'm sure the rest will follow."

And then she stepped closer and before she could think about retreating, his arm pulled her close. They separated when they heard Martha and Alexis coming down the stairs.

"Richard, Alexis says you remember something?" Martha asked before she was all the way down.

"Yeah, not much though," he ran his hand through his hair, smiling nevertheless. It felt good to have a memory, even if was just one.

"Maybe we should get you to the hospital," Martha suggested.

"Why, I'm feeling good," he really had no desire to see a doctor.

"Just in case Richard, maybe there is something else they can do now." His mother had this look on her face, one only a mother could muster.

"Castle, it can't hurt to get you checked out once more," Kate said gently, squeezing his hand.

He looked from one woman to another, sighing defeated, "Alright, alright."


	15. Chapter 15

**Rocket Man Chapter XV  
><strong>

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><p>I can't thank you enough for the great reviews. Thank you, thank you.<p>

As always thanks to the fabulous BBB's for commiting so much time into this.

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p>Kate didn't accompany them to the hospital, feeling they needed some family time, especially Alexis. And since this was one of her rare days off, there were things needing her attention at home. <em>Captivating things<em>, like washing the dishes and doing the laundry.

She let them convince her to come back for dinner though to celebrate, even if Castle thought it was a bit straight forward for _one_ memory, but Martha and Alexis wouldn't hear any of it, too excited about the recent turn of events. And so they separated in front of Castle's building, Kate heading for her car parked two blocks away, while the Castles got into their waiting limousine.

Castle glanced at his daughter, beaming up at him from her seat next to him, hopefully, expectantly. It was easier now to deal with the expectations in her eyes, they weren't as intimidating as they had been these past days. The pressure relieved somewhat, with just one little memory, making it so much easier to smile back.

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><p>After the extremely thorough check-up they performed on Castle at the hospital, he was also freed from the remaining clips and stitches on the back of his head and his upper arm, before sending them to the waiting area so they could arrange for another CT.<p>

"I told you this was a waste of time," Castle grunted. "I can tell you exactly what they are going to say. I'll have to wait and be patient."

Martha looked at her son, shaking her head. "Stop being such a baby. You needed to get the clips removed anyway."

He glanced down the hall, hoping his daughter would return with some much needed coffee. He was tired, and not only of waiting.

"So …. You and Beckett?" Martha asked as nonchalantly as she could, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"What about us?" He frowned.

"Well, you shared a bed," Martha gave him a pointed look.

"Nothing happened," he immediately turned into defence mode, feeling awkward. His mother had obviously witnessed their sleeping arrangement and that was somehow creepy.

"Uh-huh," Martha nodded, obviously not buying it.

"Seriously, mother," he was glaring at her now. "You were the one telling me we're just partners."

Raising her hands she gave in, "Alright, alright. I just thought…"He fH

"Well don't, and don't say anything to her. No teasing. You are not mentioning this at all to her." His tone left no doubt he was serious. "It will just drive her away."

Martha studied him for a minute before she answered softly, "For someone who doesn't remember, you seem to know her quite well."

He shrugged, not able to give a satisfying answer. He had none. "Just don't say anything, okay?"

Martha pinched her index finger and thumb together, letting them run over her lips, indicating they were sealed.

* * *

><p>They were back at the loft five hours later with no news and Martha complaining about the hospital only wanting her son's money, stating she didn't want to see the bill they would send his way. Alexis had, more than once, tried to point out the fact that the insurance would pay for it, while Castle threw in the comment that <em>he<em> didn't want to go in the first place. But Martha was on a roll and wouldn't be stopped.

They were gathered around the dinning room table after watching _The Third Man_, finally playing Monopoly since there was still time before dinner and Alexis was winning.

"I really liked the movie," Castle said, avoiding his daughter's steady and demanding gaze, "For the second-first time that is."

"Don't stall Dad. Hand over the property!" Alexis demanded, holding out her hand, moving her fingers in a give-it-to-me gesture.

"My own daughter robbing me of my home," he sighed dramatically, handing her his second last street, with his good arm, "That hurts." He patted his arm. "Not here," then placed his hand over his heart, "but here."

"Why do you always have to be so whiny?" His daughter asked, snatching the card from his hand.

"Why do you always have to be so mean?" He retorted, grinning widely.

"What do you _mean_ by always?" Alexis smirked back.

"You've been doing this, since you were five." He stated, without realizing that another piece of the puzzle had fallen into place.

"Excuse me?" His daughter mocked disgust.

"Well, remember when we played hide and seek? You always hid in the meanest places."

"And since when can _places_ be mean Dad?"

He stuttered, "Uh, since you started playing hide and seek, duh."

"Yeah, duh," she mimicked him, before they started laughing, with Martha shaking her head at them.

"I guess some things never change," she muttered, getting up to start on dinner.

Alexis leant over the table, closer to her Dad, nodding her head into her grandmother's direction and whispered, "Do you really want to leave her alone in the kitchen?"

"Not a good idea?" he frowned.

Alexis shook her head, biting her lip and Castle stared at her, somehow caught up in the image of Alexis' teeth sinking into her bottom lip. Where had he seen that before?

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing," he shook his head and got up. "Let's get dinner ready.

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><p>Kate was insanely nervous as she knocked at Castle's door that evening. It felt strangely official and she couldn't quite calm the butterflies that were dancing Samba in her stomach. "Geez, get a grip. It's just dinner with his family, nothing you haven't done before," she muttered to herself. Only the past few days, and last night, combined with Castle starting to remember, made her all giddy. She huffed, looking down at herself, contemplating whether she would have been better off wearing a dress. Realising what she was doing, she rolled her eyes. <em>This was not a date.<em> It was just dinner, and still she had opted for a slightly sexier top than she normally would have. Nothing inappropriate, but fancy enough for her not to wear every day.

Castle pulled open the door, startling her, before her lips broke into a smile that matched his.

"Hey," he beamed at her. "Come in."

She stepped past him, "Thanks for the invitation."

"That's the least we," he paused, "_I_ can do after all you've done for me."

She placed her hand on his forearm, "You don't have to thank me. You would have done the same."

"Still, thank you." He looked at her, wanting her to accept it.

"Okay, you're welcome," she said gently.

He smiled and nodded, helping her out of her coat, which wasn't an easy task with his left arm still in the sling he had to wear at least another week.

"Thanks," she smiled shyly, hoping she wasn't blushing. This was ridiculous, why did it feel so different tonight?

"You look beautiful," he complimented after he gave her a subtle look-over, his hand coming to rest at the small of her back on the thin satin fabric, sending shivers down her spine as he guided her towards the kitchen. Since he had lost his memory he had been more open with his affection for her and it had scared Kate. She feared he would step over one of the border lines she had established so carefully in the past years and if he did she wasn't sure if she could handle it. But right now she couldn't care less, his hand on her back felt way too good to worry about it.

He was wearing one of the dark blue button downs which made his eyes shine, one of her favorites she noticed, "You look good yourself." His eyes shined even more at her words.

"Wine?" He held up a glass and she nodded.

"How did it go at the hospital?" Kate took the now filled glass from his hand.

"Lots of yadda-yadda. Basically, there's nothing I can do except wait, and maybe I can try hypnosis therapy next week," he shrugged, clinking his glass with hers.

"But you remember some more, right?" She could see it in his eyes, the way they danced, so eager to share it with her.

"I remember Alexis being way too smart for her age … at any age," he laughed. "I remember her being five years-old and hiding in the top kitchen cabinet. I needed an hour to find her and I still have no idea how she did it. How she got up there."

Kate laughed openly, freely, "Anything else?"

"Lots of pieces of when Alexis was still little, some of me and my mother, and I'm putting them together piece by piece." He stopped, his expression suddenly clouded.

"What?" She asked, resting her hand on his forearm and squeezing it gently.

"I don't remember anything recent."

"Castle," she sighed ."Piece by piece, step by step," her hand slid up his right arm. "It's good your first memories are of Alexis, good for both of you." Her hand had wandered further up and now tugged at his collar, before smoothing down the fabric over his chest and giving a gently squeeze. She didn't even notice until he took in a sharp breath. Pulling her hand back, she smiled at him. "Where are Martha and Alexis anyway?"

"Should be down any minute," he stuttered, trying to shake off the images which suddenly popped into his head. Images of his hands in her hair, and her lips on his, all of it way too real.

Giving him a funny looked she walked over to the dinning room table, leaving him watching her.

Dinner was lovely, they chatted, laughed and shared stories, having a marvellous time. Castle's returning memory had everyone on a high. Kate caught him watching her from time to time with a strange expression on his face, but when she raised a questioning brow at him he just smiled and shook his head - dismissing it. Maybe later she would get the chance to catch him in a quiet moment and ask what was going on.

* * *

><p>After dinner they sat in the living room, Alexis and Martha in the kitchen cleaning up after they had more or less shoved Castle and Kate out of the kitchen, declining their offer to help.<p>

"Relax," Martha had said, handing them two glasses of wine and pointing towards the couch.

So that was where they found themselves, awkwardly silent.

"Castle? What's wrong?" She finally asked when she couldn't take his silence and the way he was looking at her anymore. She knew he was mulling over something.

"I remember something," Castle stated quietly, avoiding eye contact.

Kate was confused, "I know."

"Something else… Something about us." His voice was even, as if having a hard time holding back some kind of emotion, she couldn't place.

She frowned, unsure why he seemed to be so troubled about it. Remembering her should be a good thing, right? She didn't say anything, just looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

"We kissed, didn't we?"

_Oh._ She hadn't expected that one coming. He stared at her and Kate knew she had to explain it.

"We did, yes." She sighed, why did it always have to be so complicated? "We were sort of undercover, trying to distract a guard. Ryan and Esposito were held captive and you came up with the idea to play a drunken couple to get close enough to the guard so I could knock him out." She saw his shoulders sink and wondered how much more confusion he could take. "It worked." She offered, because she didn't know what else to say.

Castle was studying her intently, searching his memory for further information but when he couldn't find any, he took her word. Still, there was something else in her eyes. Regret? For what? And if it had been a distraction why did it feel as if it had been so much more?

She wanted to add something, ease his obviously troubled mind, but Alexis joined them, plopping down between them and Kate knew this wasn't the moment.

Pulling his daughter close, Castle placed a kiss on top of her head, grinning from ear to ear. And Kate couldn't help but smile at the scene playing out in front of her. It warmed her heart to witness their display of affection. She always had adored him for the father he was, had been astounded by the great relationship he had with Alexis and it tugged at her heart to see them like this, in a good way. Maybe she should have told him this in the past, she realised.

"Are you watching a movie with us?" Castle asked, hopeful eyes turned to Alexis.

She glanced at Kate before she shook her head, "I've still got some work to do for school." The look hadn't gone unnoticed by the Detective and Kate tried to decide whether Alexis didn't want to watch the movie because of her presence or if Castle's daughter wanted to give them some time alone, because school work was definitely not the reason.

Her father pouted. "Oh, come on."

"Tomorrow?" She offered, already getting up.

"Okay," he mumbled disappointed and Alexis patted his cheek. "I'm sure Kate will be an excellent movie companion." She grinned. "Good night, you two."

"Night, Alexis."

"Night, Pumpkin."

Castle let her chose the movie, pointing out he didn't know any of the one's he owned. Well except _The Third Man _and _Sleepless in Seattle. _She wandered the lines of DVD's and stopped at a worn out copy of _Forbidden Planet_, frowning. There was no way he had bought it after she took him to see it. She shot him a quick glance over the shoulder before she turned back to hide her smile. So he had lied, because he had wanted to spend time with her? Did it really surprise her? Did it surprise her even back then?

She let her index finger slide over the covers and stopped at one she hadn't seen in a very long time. She remembered how excited Castle had been about the two Meg Ryan movies he had seen this week and she figured he wouldn't mind to see another one, plus she really liked it.

Pulling it out, she walked back to the couch and handed it to Castle.

"When Harry met Sally," he read the title, beaming up to her, when he read the name of the female lead. "Meg Ryan?"

"What? You like her." She shrugged.

"She's cute," he admitted and then suddenly felt he shouldn't have said that, "Not as cute as you though!" He added quickly and made her blush. Maybe he shouldn't have said _that_ either. He glanced at her to see if he had overstepped, but she was still smiling at him, so he relaxed.

"What about Martha?" She asked, while he placed the DVD into the player and turned on the TV.

"She's going out for drinks," Castle replied, walking back to the couch, but then rethinking he headed for the kitchen, rummaging through cupboards.

She watched him amused, chin propped up on the back of the couch, one arm dangling over the side. She really looked cute, he thought when he caught her studying him. "What are you looking for?" Kate asked

"I saw some potato chips back here," Castle mumbled into the cupboard. "Ah! Gotcha!" Grabbing another bottle of wine he walked back to her.

"Didn't we just have dinner?" She questioned, but was secretly glad his appetite has returned. It concerned her how thin he had become in just a couple of days.

"For later," he shrugged. "This way I won't have to get up again."

She nodded knowingly and held out her glass for him to refill it, before he finally settled down next to her. Closer than before, she noticed.

Half way through the movie and in the middle of Sally's faked orgasm at Katz's Martha breezed out of the door, wishing them fun and announcing they shouldn't wait up for her. Martha's comment caused Kate to flinch, since it somehow implied Castle's mother was expecting her to stay. _Did Castle expect her to stay?_

Glancing at him, she tried to make out what he was thinking, but he was way too concentrated on the movie and she doubted he had even listened to what his mother had said.

"What?" He asked, his eyes still glued to the screen.

"Huh?" He had taken her by surprise.

"You're staring," he grinned and finally turned to look at her.

"Nothing," she shook her head, staring at her hands.

He frowned, sensing her discomfort, "You okay?" She didn't look at him, but felt him shift closer, his hand coming to rest on hers on the back of the couch. "Hey?"

"It's just," she paused, unsure how to explain that every thing was so complicated because he did not remember her, them and their screwed up relationship. "I'm just relieved you started to remember things." It wasn't a lie.

He smiled, his bright Castle smile, the one she loved so much, "Me too." He moved even closer, his eyes never leaving hers, whispering. "Thanks for being there."

Kate could feel his breath on her face, so close and warm. She could feel him leaning in, she held her breath didn't even dare to blink. She should move away, should run. But she couldn't, she couldn't move, couldn't think.

He was aiming for a gentle kiss on her cheek, a _Thank you._ Nothing more than a gesture, but then his lips were on hers, soft, gentle and Kate was too surprised to pull away. He didn't move, nor did he deepen the kiss. He just lingered there, before he slowly pulled away again, taking in her flushed cheeks, her heavy breath and her certainly wildly beating heart.

"Thank you, Kate."

She swallowed, "Yeah, _always_."

* * *

><p>There was it again, this little word holding a meaning he still couldn't fully understand. But he wouldn't press the matter, he had pushed his luck more than enough for one evening. He was surprised she was still in his apartment, still on his couch and so very close. <em>No,<em> he wouldn't push. He would wait, he would be patient.

He didn't expect her to stay. She had helped him one last time with his injection as he wouldn't need them anymore. Then she had put him to bed, though he was capable by now to do it on his own, and she had said goodnight. He hadn't asked and she hadn't offered. And he was asleep before she even left his room, the day's events finally taking their toll, and closing the door behind her she stepped into the silence of his office.

She was smiling. She shouldn't be smiling, but she couldn't hold it in. Her fingers reached up, touching her lips. It hadn't even been a real kiss, just his lips on hers. A _Thank You._

She leant against his desk, needing the support for a minute, as she softly laughed at herself. She was being ridiculous, _and wasn't this confusing him further?_ But he didn't seem confused. He seemed happy, right?

It was too late to change it now anyway. She pushed herself off his desk, sending something crashing to the floor. Looking around she saw the small remote control for the smart board at the wall. Leaning down to pick it up, Kate accidentally pressed the power button, turning it on. She looked up and was startled to see… herself.


	16. Chapter 16

**Rocket Man Chapter XVI  
><strong>

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><p>I am soooo sorry it took me so long. Work has been crazy.<p>

As always thanks to the fabulous BBB's for commiting so much time into this.

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p>She stared at <em>her<em> picture on the screen, _her_ face on _his_ personal murder board. All the details of her shooting, and her mother's case. _What was going on?_ He had put it all up there, everything they knew, and even more besides she noticed, as she skimmed over the information. She stared at the closed door to his bedroom. _He had been working on it? Why hadn't he told her? _There was something, a feeling she couldn't name, brewing inside of her, so confusing, too strong to name. _Why? _The question ringing loud and clear in her head, demanding an answer. _Why?_ She couldn't ask him, not now, he wouldn't even know why. She ran her hands through her hair and sighed. Why were there always complications, There was always something. _Why couldn't it ever be easy for them?_

Kate couldn't think, couldn't clear her head, and she knew she needed to get out of there. Away from this murder board, away from the cases she had tried so hard to leave behind, and she needed to get away from _him_.

She switched the murder board off and turned, freezing when she saw Martha standing in the doorway, looking at her.

"Kate," her voice was soft, comforting. "We need to talk."

Talk was the last thing Kate wanted to do, she wanted to go home, crawl into bed and shut the world out. But she also wanted, no she needed, answers so she nodded and followed Martha back into the living room. As she stood in front of the couch, unsure of herself and where she should sit Martha tugged on her hand, pulling Kate down next to her.

"What is that?" Kate finally asked, glancing back at the office.

Martha took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be the one telling you about this, but I guess in the circumstances …" She trailed off.

Kate tried to smile, but failing miserably.

"He started it after the new Captain kicked him out last summer," Martha started to explain, "After finishing Heat Rises it was more or less all he worked on, while waiting for you to call, but … ."

"I didn't," Kate stated, flinched with the recent understanding of the effect her total lack of contact had really had on him. "But why keep it a secret?"

Martha took a deep breath, knowing that what she would say next would be hard on Kate. Telling her that a friend of Montgomery's had called Castle after Beckett's return to work, explaining he was in the possession of documents which could guarantee both hers and Montgomery's family's safety; under the condition she stayed away from the case.

"He received those documents after you were shot," Martha stated, answering Kate's unasked question, as she finished her explanation.

Kate blinked against the tears she didn't want to cry, she needed to be strong. He had no right to keep this from her, no right to get himself into danger. _What was he thinking?_ If they wanted her dead for digging around, they wouldn't spare him. How could he do this to his mother, to Alexis? _To her?_

"Kate, he couldn't risk losing you again and he knew you wouldn't stop. He'd tried to make you let it go once before."

Kate remembered all too well how he had begged her to walk away from her mother's case. And he was right she wouldn't have stopped, not back then, and not after her return this summer.

"But he also knows how important this is to you. That you need closure more than anything." Martha continued, trying to reason with her.

Kate started as Martha's last words hit home. Deeply. _How could he think?_

She looked at Martha, eyes stern and determined, "And that's the part he's got all wrong."

"Kate, I know I can't make you do anything, but please try to understand him. I don't know how he will take it if you stay away now. And I sure don't know how to explain it to him."

"Martha, I need some time," Kate replied, getting up.

"Kate," Martha's voice was heavy with worry, worry she would again disappear for months without a word, and Kate couldn't blame her.

"A day," she quickly said. "Give me a day to process this. I will call him tomorrow, let him know I won't be able to make it and I'll be back the day after tomorrow." She saw the hesitation, the unwilling distrust in Martha's features, so she said it again, her voice certain, "I'll call tomorrow and I will be back. And Martha," she stopped on her way to the door, turning around once more, "This needs to stop."

"I think the only one who can make him stop is you," Martha replied and Kate nodded, knowing she was, and she would.

As the door shut behind her, the tears fell and she wiped them away furiously, struggling to contain them until she was home, hiding alone in her bedroom. _How could he? How could he do it without her, without telling her? And how could he think solving her mother's case was more important to her than his life? Than the life of his family?_

Arriving home she made it to her bed and crashed down on the comforter, not holding back anymore and letting the tears fall freely.

* * *

><p>Kate didn't go into work the next day, instead she called in sick and stayed in bed staring at the ceiling and thinking. She didn't call him either, not trusting her voice, but sent him a text, explaining she wouldn't be able to come and see him today due to a special assignment. He texted back minutes later, unalarmed and saying he would manage a day without her, though just barely.<p>

After reading his words, she returned to staring at the ceiling, lying on her back on the bed, thinking. After thinking it through, once, twice, then again and again, Kate finally and slowly began to see the truth. He'd had no choice. She couldn't be angry at him for trying to save her life, and there was no question he did. She would have lost her head, running into it and getting not only herself into danger, but Montgomery's family as well. Kate knew she couldn't be angry at him for working on it behind her back, realizing she hadn't given him a choice. She'd told him she needed to solve her mother's case before she could be free to move on. And he had tried to give this closure to her, because she had shut him out, not letting him in on her wish to be more. Her desire to live without the burden of her mother's murder. Her determination to let go to give them a chance, to be able to _be_ with him and make it work. And still it hurt.

Castle wasn't concerned when he got Kate's text. After all she had a job and her own life and she was definitely not his personal nurse, although he certainly wouldn't complain if she was. His mother was another matter entirely. She thought he didn't notice the worried glances she shot him throughout the day, but he did and she was starting to freak him out.

He and Alexis had spent the day together, strolling through Central Park for an hour and he had enjoyed his first real time out, since coming home from the hospital. More and more of his memory was returning, and with them details of his relationship with Kate. It dawned on him that their relationship had always been complicated, but there were still too many pieces missing for him to get a clear picture.

Over dinner his mother kept eyeing him, and he would have asked her what was going on, if he wasn't sure he wouldn't get an honest answer anyway. He was more than beat after they finished another movie and excused himself to go to bed, feeling his mother's eyes on his back as he left the room. If she didn't stop tomorrow, he would have to discuss it with her, as it was unsettling.

Sleep had come quick, but it wasn't peaceful. Castle tossed and turned, images flashing through his mind he couldn't place. A cemetery. Kate. And blackness again. The images kept returning, becoming clearer until a shot rang out and the last image before he woke up with her name on his lips, his heart pounding and a fear he had never felt before, was her lifeless body in his arms.

He was out of bed in a second, sprinting up the stairs and storming into Alexis' room, needing to know she was okay.

"Dad?" Alexis' sleepy but alarmed voice reached him, calming him but not enough to make the panic recede.

"You okay?" He breathed, his right hand cradling her face.

"Yes, I'm fine," Alexis sat up, "What's going on?"

"Mother!" Castle yelled, not wanting to leave his daughter's side. "Mother!"

"What the hell is going on?" Martha demanded to know, appearing in Alexis' doorway, tying her robe. "Richard?"

"Are you okay?" Her son ignored her, giving her a thorough look over.

"Yes, of course." She stepped into the room, glancing from Alexis to her father.

"Dad?" Alexis's voice full of concern, though he had seemed to calm down slightly.

"I had – Kate!" The panic was back. "Where is Kate?"

"At home, I suspect," Martha replied. "Why?"

"She was shot, there was so much blood," Castle's hand ran frantically through his hair, breathing raggedly. "She didn't move. It was so real. I need … I need. Where is she?" He was desperate, unsure what to do.

"Richard, Detective Beckett is okay."

"There was so much blood," he repeated, obviously not hearing what Martha said, who nodded at Alexis in a silent order to get Kate here. "So much blood." Castle's voice had become a repeating whimper and all Martha could do was sitting down next to him, pulling him close, while Alexis went to get her phone.

Kate had finally drifted off, startling when her phone on the night stand pulled her back to consciousness, she answered groggily without checking who it was, thinking it was the station.

"Beckett."

"Kate, you have to come. It's Dad."

She was out of bed and dressed in a pair of sweat pants and an old sweater, before Alexis even had a chance to explain what was going on.

"I'll be right there," was the last Alexis heard from her father's partner before the call disconnected.

Kate made it to Castle's loft in record time, storming out of the elevator and through the already open loft door.

"What happened?" she asked, finding Martha and Alexis sitting on the couch, worried expressions on their faces.

Martha walked up to her, placing one hand on her forearm. "He dreamt of your shooting." She said gently and Kate's hand flew up to her mouth.

"Oh God," her hand tightening around Martha's wrist.

"He still doesn't remember anything of what happened after the cemetery, so he's confused and panicked. And he thinks you're … ." Martha couldn't bring herself to say it.

Kate needn't to hear more, dropping her bag on the floor she rushed through his office and into his bedroom.

"Rick?" She found him sitting on the edge on his bed, feet on the ground as if needing to feel solid ground. His head hanging down, supported by his good arm, his back towards her.

Her voice made him turn around and the tears she saw shimmering in his eyes carried her towards him. Kneeling down in front of him, her hands cupped his face, her thumbs gently stroking his cheeks. "I'm here., I'm okay." She breathed quietly, and still she saw the doubt in his eyes.

She took his hand, placing it over her heart, "I'm here. Can you feel it."

"There was so much blood," he choked. "You were …," he couldn't say it.

"I came back," her voice was a gentle caress. "I came back." And then she pulled off her sweater, leaving her only clad with a white singlet and her bra. Pulling at the front of the fabric, she saw his eyes widen, not understanding what she was doing.

She pulled until the scar between her breasts was revealed, taking his hand, which was still resting over her heart, guiding it between her breasts, she let him feel. "I'm here."

He let out a staggering breath, "Kate."

She moved up into his good arm, which pulled her close. Hers crept around his waist, holding him to her. "It's okay. I'm okay," she repeated over and over again.

"I thought I'd lost you," he finally managed to say.

"You haven't lost me," she whispered and pulled back, kissing his forehead.

"You're here," he stated, the truth sinking in.

"I'm here," she smiled unable to take her eyes off of him, her smile brightening with his.

"You're here," he repeated on an exhale of breath, getting lost in her eyes and unable to contain himself any more. He leant forward, closing the distance to touch his lips to hers. His hand found its way into her hair, sneaking to the back of her head and pulling her closer, deepening the kiss. Her arms slid around his neck, bringing her even closer as his lips worked on hers, his tongue gently begging for permission to enter her mouth. With a moan escaping her lips, she granted it. Their tongues touched, dancing and battling. Castle groaned when her hands ran through his hair, her firm body pressed against him, chest to chest, pressing his injured arm into him, but he couldn't have cared less. The sensation running through his body was making him forget everything else.

She pulled away suddenly, startling him, leaving his body aching for contact, for _more_.

"Castle," she choked out, sounded shocked. "I'm sorry."


	17. Chapter 17

**Rocket Man Chapter XVII  
><strong>

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><p>Wow, over 300 reviews. I'm speechless! Thank you so much. Especially to the one's who leave a review after every chapter. It means sooo much.<br>We are almost at the end of this story. One more chapter to come and it's almost finished.

As always thanks to the fabulous BBB's for commiting so much time into this.

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

* * *

><p>Castle stared at her, not understanding <em>what<em> she was sorry for, but reaching out for her anyway, which only made her retreat further.

"Kate?"

"I – We shouldn't have," she stammered, looking everywhere but at him.

"Why?" he asked. Comprehension dawned suddenly, "I pushed too far." Shaking his head he sighed, "I'm sorry."

"No, no Castle. It's not your fault." She shrunk against the wall, hands running through her hair fiercely. "We need to talk."

"O-_Kay_?" His response was wary as he wished desperately for a clue, any idea really what this was about. From the look on her face, he could tell it was serious. _He really shouldn't have kissed her._

Kate was drawn between staying against the wall and sitting down next to him on the bed. She wanted to be near him, but was scared she wouldn't be able to do this if she got too close. And she needed to do it, even if it was the worst possible time, so she kept her distance.

"What _exactly_ do you remember?"

"Kate," his eyes were pleading, he didn't want to go through it again, dreaming about it had been hard enough. "I can't."

She knew exactly how he felt, she didn't want to go through it again either, but there was no other way, "Please, it's important," her voice matched his. "Rick?"

He sighed, and taking a deep breath, he surrendered, "We were at the cemetery." Pausing, he tried to recall why. His mind was still clouded but then something broke through, washing over him and pulling him off his feet, "Montgomery."

She swallowed, closing her eyes against the tears which threatened to fall, "Yes, Montgomery. You pulled me out of the hangar."

Castle nodded, remembering even though he wasn't sure he wanted to. "You were giving your speech, when … ," his voice broke, he couldn't say it, instead looked at her and it took everything she had not to close the distance between them.

"You tried to get to me," her voice was gentle. "Do you remember that? You tried to save me."

"I was too late, wasn't fast enough," his voice a whisper and eyes shut, he let his head fall and that was her undoing. Pushing herself off the wall, she kneeled in front of him, her hands cupping his cheeks.

"Look at me, Rick." She waited until he did, until he could see the truth in her eyes, "It's not your fault. Do you hear me? It's not your fault."

"I should have moved earlier, I should have seen it coming." He shook his head, but her hands stayed put, not letting him get away. "I was too late."

A tear slipped down her face, his eyes following its path, stilling his movements, "You weren't too late. You were there in time to tell me something." Kate whispered, hoping he remembered that part too.

His eyes widened. _He remembered_, and suddenly it all made sense. His feelings for her, the bond they shared, the one he'd felt so strongly, since he'd woken up after his accident, "I love you," he breathed out, "I told you, I love you."

Kate smiled at him, happy he remembered but there was something else shining in those gorgeous eyes of hers, was that _sadness_?

Then there was a new picture in his head. Her in a hospital room, pale and tired but alive and he relived the turmoil of his heart, the way it nearly exploded when he had seen her breathing, still with him after he thought he had lost her forever. Still there was something else, another feeling mixing with the hope and joy. The complete sense of despair as he realised; _She didn't remember._

His eyes met hers again and he shook off her hands, which were still cradling his face, as he moved away from her, "You've always remembered, haven't you? You said you didn't but you did. _All this time_."

"Yes, I did." She nodded, her eyes suddenly fixed on the floor.

"I …," Castle shook his head again. "I think I need to be alone right now."

"Castle, please let me explain," she moved after him, but he held out his arm to keep his distance.

"No, not now. I need to -," he looked at her. "I will call you." The words strangely familiar. "Please tell Alexis and mother I fell asleep. I don't want to see them right now. Not like this."

"Rick, please," she pleaded with him, needing to make him understand, especially when he still didn't remember everything.

He pushed himself off the bed and took a few steps away from her, "I can't do this right now. It's just too much. Please go."

Defeated Kate's shoulders fell, it was no use and so she walked to the door, turning around once more, "Castle, I'm sorry."

He nodded, not looking at her. "I'll call you. Thanks for coming." He sounded like a stranger.

"Okay," she slipped out through the door, trying to keep herself together. She had to, at least until she was out of the loft as she didn't want to upset Martha and Alexis, even though every fibre of her being wanted to scream at him that he had done the same thing, he had kept something from her, too. But she couldn't and maybe it wasn't the same, she wasn't sure anymore, so she put on her poker face and walked into the living room.

His eyes were fixed on the ceiling, his mind spinning. Alexis had popped her head through the door ten minutes ago, but he had pretended to be asleep. At first it had been raindrops, one small memory after another but now he was standing in the pouring rain, it was all coming back, rushing over him like a Tsunami.

The months apart from her, her return and their talk on the swings, her promise of a someday for _them_, at least that was what he had hoped she meant when she spoke of the relationship she wanted to have. He still hoped it was what she meant. _God, how he hoped it was what she meant. _He should have let her explain. There could be a million reasons why she had lied to him. She hadn't been ready back then, had told him as much. _Maybe … ._ Maybe she was ready now? Maybe the wall was gone? Hope swelled inside him, all the while he realised it shouldn't. She had said she needed to solve her mother's case before it could happen, before she could think about letting him in.

And then he remembered _his_ secret. His murder board and that he had to keep her away from her mother's case. He had to keep her safe and alive. He grunted, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. Why was this such a big mess? And he realised she wasn't ready. She couldn't be. Maybe she never would be, because there was the chance they would never solve it, that the wall would never come down. And he didn't know if he could take it. For the first time he wasn't sure if he could wait forever, even though he wanted to. It might just be too painful to only watch from the sidelines, while never being with her, truly with her.

* * *

><p>Kate hadn't slept all night, she'd just cried and then gone into work at an unholy hour just to keep her mind from spinning, but it was no use. Whatever she tried her thoughts went back to <em>him.<em> He would call, but when? She didn't want him to mull over things on his own, just to come to wrong conclusions because he didn't have all the information he needed to understand. She should just go back to the loft and she was so tempted to do just that. But he had given her space and time when she'd demanded it, so she needed to do the same for him now, no matter how hard it thought struck her again just how it must have been for him over the summer. He had sent her away only a couple of hours ago and she was already spinning out of control, while he had lived through this for three months. It was a miracle he was still here, still willing to come back every day and to wait.

"Yo Beckett," Esposito brought her back to reality and she lifted her head to greet the other Detective. "Jeez, Beckett, if you're still ill why didn't you stay home?"

"Yeah, you look like you have been run over by a truck," Ryan stated, while moving closer to her desk.

"Thanks guys, how sweet," she was too tired to glare at them, "I just didn't get much sleep last night."

"Obviously," Ryan replied, which owned him a jab of Esposito's elbow, before he was pushed away from Beckett's desk.

"We'll be over there, if you need us," Esposito called over his shoulder, while rushing Ryan away from her.

A small smile played around her lips, watching them retreat. Leave it to her boys to make her feel a tiny bit better.

* * *

><p>He hadn't come out of his room all morning and Martha was starting to worry. She was just glad Alexis was at school and wouldn't have to worry about his behavior, at least not yet. She had decided to give him time, but when he still hadn't come out around noon, it was enough. Time to attack.<p>

He turned his head at the soft knock on the door and sighed, he didn't want to see anyone. He didn't want to talk, didn't want to explain, but his mother had other plans and was already sticking her head through the door.

"Richard, are you planning on coming out of here anytime soon?" She asked, walking into his bedroom.

"Leave me alone," he muttered, turning away from her again.

"Richard, what is going on?" She asked, her tone demanding.

"Nothing, I'm fine," he scoffed.

"That I can see," she replied, crossing the room to sit down next to him on the bed. Her hand coming to rest on his, she raised a questioning brow, "So?"

Sighing, he stared at their hands, "She lied."

"About what?" Martha asked puzzled.

"Her shooting," he elaborated, "She always remembered what I told her."

"Have you asked her why she didn't tell you?"

Castle shook his head, "I didn't let her explain."

Martha studied him, considering her options, "So she knows how you feel about her?"

He just nods.

"And what are you planning to do now?"

He shrugged, "Don't know, not much I can do. I mean either she doesn't feel the same way or she isn't ready."

"Richard, I think you know her better than to think she doesn't feel the same way." Castle could tell his mother was not pleased with him and his current state of self-pity.

"Do I?" He asked defiant.

"Now you are acting like a five-year old," Martha stated, shaking her head.

"I don't care," her son pouted, turning away from her.

"Uh-huh," she grinned at him. "Sure."

They were silent for awhile, until he met her eyes again, obviously coming to the decision it was no use to hold it all back, "What if she will never be ready? What if we never solve it?"

Her heart broke for her boy, for what this was doing to him. She had seen him with many women over the years, some she'd liked, some she'd tolerated, some she couldn't stand, most of them she had just ignored. But Kate was someone she truly adored, someone she could love like a daughter, because she was the first who truly saw _him_. The first one who saw her boy for the man he really was.

"Who says you have to?" Martha asked, earning a confused look.

"You know what she told me, when she came back," he didn't understand where she was going with this.

"And who says it still has to be this way?"

"I -," he stopped, breathed in and out, "I don't know."

"Well maybe you would, if you hadn't kicked her out," Martha suggested.

"Why do I have the feeling you know more than you're telling me?" He suddenly asked, remembering his mother's strange behavior the day before.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," she tried for innocence.

"Mother?" His voice was stern, demanding.

She huffed, "I obviously need to work on my acting."

"If there is something you know, you need to tell me," he sat up, moving closer to her, his eyes intense on hers.

"You remember your murder board?" She asked and saw him wince. _Oh he remembered alright._

"She found it," Martha stated bluntly, watching him.

"Shit, no! No!" His hand ran through his hair, "How did she?"

"By accident."

"When?"

"The day before yesterday," Martha answered and he understood. That's why she hadn't come to see him.

"But she was here last night," he suddenly stated as if it was the 8th Wonder of the World.

"She was. She came rushing over here the minute Alexis called her."

"I don't understand, she wasn't mad?" Now he truly looked lost and the expression on his face was almost funny.

"Oh she was mad, but for a different reason than you think."

"Mother!"

Martha couldn't help but chuckle at the bewildered look in his eyes.

"This is not funny!" He grunted.

"For two adults you two sure have a lousy way to communicate," She chuckled again, but held up her hands in surrender, when Castle continued to glare at her, "Alright, alright. She wants you to stop."

His eyes grew wide in panic, "What? No! That would be like giving up on us. I can't do that."

Martha rolled her eyes, sometimes he sure was dense. But when she spoke her voice was soft, "Richard, she said you're more important to her than her mother's case."

He was stunned, his mouth opening and closing, but no words coming out.

"She did," Martha confirmed what she just said, seeing her son's inner struggled displayed in his eyes.

He took in a staggering breath, "She did?"

Martha's hand came up to caress his cheek, "You need to talk to her. You can't keep living in this limbus. Either of you."

* * *

><p>Kate had left the precinct early, closing the door behind her as she crawled back into her bed. <em>He would call her<em>. _She just needed to give him time._ Ryan and Esposito had sensed that something was wrong, but were smart enough not to ask, not even when she hurried out of the precinct in the middle of the day. And now she was again staring at the ceiling, _definitely her new hobby_, for the past two hours. She hated that he made her feel this way and yet she knew she deserved the punishment.

She had started to doze off when she was startled by a knock on her front door. Contemplaiting just ignoring whoever it was trying to disturb her pathetic ceiling staring, but quickly changing her mind when she heard his voice.

"Kate, open up!" he hammered against her door again and she was out of bed and at her front door in seconds, wrenching it open.

"Castle," she was breathless as she watched him storm past her, into the living room, before turning around and facing her.

"Is it true?" He asked and saw the confusion in her eyes. "Your mother's case," he started and yet was too coward to ask the most important question, instead going for the easier, the safer one, "Do you really want me to stop?"

Her eyes, found his and she nodded slowly, "Yes."

She saw no relief in his eyes and wondered why. This should make him happy, right? "Castle?"

"Will you?" His voice was shaking, "Will you stop?"


	18. Chapter 18

**Rocket Man Chapter XVIII  
><strong>

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><p>So, this is it. The last chapter, although maybe I could be convinced to write an epilogue for obvious reasons. ;-)<p>

Thank you all so much for staying with me through this, for your reviews and kind words! It really was the best part while writing this. I cannot thank you enough. I will wait for next Monday, probably turn crazy while doing so and then might have something new to share with you. So hopefully until tomorrow or the day after or next week, well you get the drift... ;-)

A major thank you to Stella, Marjo and Melody. I couldn't have done it without you! Thank you for your patience and friendship. You made this story so much better, not only grammatically ;-)

Okay I hope enjoy the last one... And good luck to all of us for Always. Hopefully we will survive the epicness.

**Disclaimers:**

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep _Castle. ;-) _

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><p>Kate swallowed, <em>this was it<em>. She had to come clean with him, no more hiding behind her mother's case to protect herself, or him. _No more._

She felt herself nod, "Yes, I will stop." Still he didn't look happy, something clouding his beautiful blue eyes, normally shining with laughter and life.

"Will it be enough?" He asked, not able to explain or give her more words, hoping she'd understand what it was he really needed to know, and she did. _She knew exactly what he meant._

She stepped closer, almost close enough to touch him, "It has to be." She stated quietly and immediately regretted her choice of words, implying it actually wasn't enough, would never be enough, when it was. His shoulders sank even further, looking more defeated than she had ever seen him and she knew she had to make it right, needed to make him understand that she wanted it to be enough. "It will be enough." She said with more conviction, while closing the distance between them and reaching for his hand, holding it tight between her own. "It's enough."

"Why?" He asked, staring down at their tangled hands.

"Because …," she took a deep breath, chewing on her bottom lip. "There is….," Stopping again, she looked down at his hand between hers. Turning his palm up and tracing the lines with her fingers, she finally let it out, "For a long time there was nothing else, nothing more important than solving my mother's case. Not myself, and not anyone else. The only thing that mattered was finding the person responsible for her murder, and that need was always there, even when I had convinced myself I had to let it go all these years ago until you came and started looking into it again," she could see him opening his mouth and quickly shook her head, "It's not your fault. It would have come back to haunt me nevertheless." She gave his hand a quick squeeze. "It's not what matters anyway, not anymore." For the first time since he had set foot into her apartment she saw something like hope flickering through his eyes, starting to chase away the doubt and the fear that had taken hostage of his handsome features for longer now than she wanted to admit.

He waited her out, knowing there was more and he would give her all the time in the world. He would stand here all night, with his hand, treasured in hers, in the middle of her living room. He didn't care, they were finally getting somewhere.

"After I was shot …," she finally got out and he could see how much it cost her to voice it, "I had to work through a lot of things and it was too much. I couldn't." She lifted her eyes to his, pleading with him to understand. He nodded, he did. "I went back into therapy," she confessed and his eyes widened in surprise, but he kept quiet, letting her do this at her own pace. "But it wasn't until the sniper case that I could see it. That I understood I had to let her go." She huffed, her whole body shaking. "_Castle_," her voice broke, "I let her go."

It took him only a second to pull her close, without a word, wishing he could use both his arms, wishing there was anything he could say to make it better, and knowing there wasn't. She had lost her mom and nothing was going to change that, and it would be a part of her for the rest of her, _maybe, hopefully,_ their lives. "She would want you to be happy, Kate." He whispered into her hair, his chin propped up on her head and he could feel her breath on his neck when she nodded, felt the moisture of her tears, while she tried to compose herself.

"I know, and this is good. Letting go is good, but it -," she took in another shaky breath.

"But it hurts," he finished for her, feeling her arms curl around his waist, pulling him closer. "It's okay. It will get better." He soothed.

"I want to be more, Castle. I don't want my mother's case to run my life and get me killed," she pulled away, untangled her arms from around him to reach up, cupping his face, "and I certainly don't want you or your family to get hurt, or worse." She made sure he was looking at her, before she continued. "So no more digging. No more murder boards. Just no more."

"Okay," he nodded, "No more."

"Good," she let her hands slide down, coming to rest on his chest, realising for the first time how close they were and slowly pulled away and he let her retreat, fearing he might push too far again. There was still a lot unsaid and a lot of questions, but he had understood her message. His mother had been right, he was more important to her. So important in fact she was willing to let go, for him, for _them_. It was probably the biggest gift she could give him, and yet he still needed one more thing from her.

"Kate, I need you to tell me what you want," he said, stopping her retreat by reaching for her elbow. Waiting until her eyes lifted to him. "I'll wait as long as it takes, if that's what you want. But I need you to tell me. I need you to tell me what I am, or not allowed to do, because I can't keep tiptoeing anymore. I can't go on being afraid to scare you away with a word or look. I need you to tell me exactly what you want me to do." Castle let go of her elbow, letting his hand run through his hair, giving himself a moment to organize the thoughts running through his head.

She stared at him. She had this whole speech prepared about needing more time, but wanting him to be there with her from now on. But looking at him now she realised it was all bullshit. She was as ready as she would probably ever be and if she was honest, this wasn't the point. It was an excuse, because she was scared. Scared to give into the inevitable and it struck her that all she needed was a little faith. The waiting wasn't enough and it wasn't fair, certainly not to him, but more importantly not to her anymore.

So Kate stepped forward again, her left hand sneaking around his neck, her other coming to rest over his heart when she pulled him down towards her, while pushing herself up on her toes to touch her lips to his, soft and sweet. "I love you," she confessed when she pulled away just enough to rest her forehead against his, eyes closed.

"Kate," her name dancing on the breath he let out.

"No more waiting, Rick. I want us to give this a try." And she closed her lips over his again, more demanding this time, she pressed herself closer to his body, without crushing his injured arm too much. But Rick didn't seem to care, pulling her even closer, giving as much as he took from her lips, before he pulled away with one last nibble on her bottom lip.

"I can't give you a guarantee," he suddenly said, "I'm not the safest bet, two broken marriages surely prove that."

"Shh," she placed her index finger over his mouth, "Don't. Don't sell yourself short." She had learned a lot about his past marriages over the past week and he definitely wasn't the only one to blame for their endings. He obviously had married for the wrong reasons, but always because he wanted to do the right thing. No she wouldn't let him go down that path. "You think I'm a safe bet? I don't need a guarantee, Castle, and I can't give you one either. One of the reasons I lied to you was that I wanted to give you more than just the words. I wanted us to have the chance of a future and I just couldn't do that back then. I would have screwed it up. Pushed you away, ran away." She sighed snuggling into the crook of his neck, breathing him in, pressing her lips to his skin. So glad she could finally and unashamedly do so.

"This all sounds very promising," he sighed and was surprised to hear her chuckle, and when looking down at her was met by her sparkling eyes.

"Very promising indeed," she beamed at him.

"This is different though, you know? With you. it's different than all the other times." He said, turning serious again.

"I know, for me too." She smiled gently, her fingers caressing his earlobe, electing something like a purr from of him.

"So what do you want me to do?" he asked, a smirk playing around his lips.

She pretended to ponder his question, "I think what I really want you to do has to wait until this comes off," she tapped his sling. "Until then you could just stay with me?" And suddenly she sounded uncertain, with all her previous confidence replaced by nervousness.

"Can I kiss you while I stay?" he asked, grinning.

"That's mandatory," she smirked, letting her hands run through his hair, one hand starting to caress his ear, while the other landed on his chest again, she couldn't help it, couldn't get enough of his heart beating under her hand, quickening now, when he bent down to take her lips again. "I love you, Kate." He whispered before they made contact and she moaned into his mouth. She had waited so long to hear him say it again. She let her tongue run over his bottom lip before she demanded entrance, which he willingly granted. His hand slipped under her shirt, caressing the soft skin he found there, drawing circles on the small of her back, electing goose bumps where his fingers touched her. He felt her hand unbuttoning the top of his button down and sliding her hand inside, over his chest, making him shiver. He couldn't believe they were here. After all the secrets, misunderstandings and hiding, they were finally here and he would do anything he could to keep her, he would do anything to make her happy, to make it work.

* * *

><p>He did stay. She guided him to her bedroom later in the evening after lots of talking and even more kissing and touching. She had helped him to strip down to his boxers, securing the sling over his now naked torso and had him settle into her bed before she joined him, again suddenly nervous. Nothing would happen, not tonight, not with the sling still limiting him. They had shared a bed before, but now their relationship had changed, everything was new and she couldn't stop the butterflies when thinking about spending the night in the same bed as Richard Castle.<p>

"Are you planning on staying over there?" he asked, amusement in his voice.

"Uhm," she huffed, _so nervous._

"Come here," he reached out with his right arm and she scooted closer, until he could wrap it around her and pull her to his chest. "That's better." He stated satisfied when Kate rested her head on his chest, while her right hand started to dance across his skin. Feather light touches, that distracted him immensely.

"So you remember everything?" She asked, while memorizing how his skin felt under her finger tips.

"I guess," he replied and then laughed. "But I wouldn't know."

"Not funny," she mumbled, grinning into his chest.

"What did Martha say, when you called her?" She asked after a while, looking up briefly.

He chuckled, "I think it was something a long the lines of Hallelujah. I can't be sure though, there was too much cheering involved.

She laughed, but it faded quickly, "And Alexis? Is she okay with this?"

"Why wouldn't she be?" He asked confused.

"She's scared I will hurt you," Kate admitted, hiding from his eyes. She could feel him nod and couldn't help the sting in her heart, even though she could understand it.

"I think she's scared we will hurt each other," he finally said, remembering his daughter's, d_on't ruin it!_

She pushed herself up on his chest to look at him, "I will never hurt you deliberately. But we both know it will happen nevertheless."

He smiled at her and she really couldn't figure what was there to smile about, "Doesn't scare me," he mumbled. "Doesn't make me want this, _us,_ any less."

_Oh yeah, _that was a reason to smile and hers followed suit, while placing a kiss on his lips, "You are amazing," she whispered, snuggling back onto his chest.

"Wait until I can use both my arms," he replied with a smirk. "Ouch! Hey don't pinch me." _Oh, _he loved her, loved still being them.

"Stop whining Rocket Man," she grinned, couldn't wait until he took her up to the stratosphere. Placing a kiss right over his heart, she heard him take a shaky breath. "I love you."

His grip on her tightened, hearing her words, burying his nose in her hair, he breathed her in. "I love you too, Kate."

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><p>The End<p> 


	19. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

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><p><strong><strong>_Because you guys rock and I needed something to keep me sane. Let it be Monday already!  
><em>

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><p>She came rushing through his door a week later, alerted by his phone call. <em>An emergency. She needed to come home. Now.<em> And she had been too busy storming out of the precinct in the middle of the day to rush to his side to even contemplate the fact that _home _had already become his loft. After only a week and she hadn't even spent a single night at his place - yet. It all felt like she had taken a ride on the biggest roller coaster of the world. The first ride scaring you half to death. You don't want to do it. You want to get out again, but once you did it you can't get enough and you ask yourself what took you so long to do it in the first place.

And now she was standing in his door way, scanning the living room for a sign of him.

"Castle?" She called out moving forward, towards his study, not panicking but slightly irritated. _Where was he? _

She sensed something when she walked through the door into his study, but before she could react she found herself pinned against one of the bookshelves, slightly knocked out of breath and then she felt him pressed against her, his lips touching hers, taking them in a passionate kiss.

"Castle," she was going for stern, but it was coming out more like moan. "You said emergency," she panted when he abandoned her lips to kiss down her neck.

"It's an emergency," he growled, "I need you." And that's when she realised the difference, the _two_ hands roaming her body. One at her side, while the other travelled up her front and _Oh._

"Castle?" she breathed against his ear, made him shiver.

"All clear," he grinned, pulling away to see her face and by any means she couldn't be angry at him for tricking her out of work. She wanted this as badly as he did. She gently touched his arm, needing to be sure but he kept smiling. "Doesn't hurt. All good."

"Good," she nodded, lifting her eyes to his, smiling.

"Sent my mother and Alexis shopping and sponsored some Broadway tickets," he elaborated and watched her smile grew wider.

"You're so smart sometimes," she caressed his cheek, because although she was teasing she actually like his way of thinking. No interruptions. They sure had had enough of those.

"I know, right?" he beamed at her, placing a kiss on her nose. "So, are you ready for this?" He asked, suddenly a bit unsure if he might have been a bit too fast forward.

Her lips were on his before he could form another thought, her fingers fumbling with the buttons of his shirt until she finally gave up annoyed and just ripped it apart, sending buttons flying everywhere.

"So sexy," he growled, while attacking her neck, tucking on her shirt, silently asking her to lift her arms for him and she did. He pulled the shirt off and tossed it away, leaving her only in her bra, before he let her slide his button-down off his shoulders.

"I like your chest," she mumbled before placing feather light kisses on the now exposed skin.

"Kate," he whispered, because he loved saying her name and because he could and this all felt way too good not to. She kept her lips occupied on his upper body, while her hands travelled south on his back, sneaking under the waistband of his jeans and boxers, to place them firmly on his six, giving it a squeeze.

"Kate!" He shrieked this time, rather girly, gasping for air.

"Always wanted to do this," she laughed into his chest, before she grinned up at him, meeting his eyes in time to see his eyebrows wriggle.

"Now is that the case, Detective? Always?"

She nodded and he could swear she was blushing, "Ever since I left you standing in that alley after our first case."

"You told me, I had no idea." He remembered, brushing a strand of hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear.

"I did," she confirmed, her eyes turning ever so tender.

"You were right, I had no idea," he breathed out, before taking her lips, kissing her like he had never kissed anyone before and never would kiss any other ever again, because despite their _No-Guarantee_-conversation a week ago, right here, right now, he knew they could make it work, they _would_ make it work. "I love you," he finally panted, pulling away, touching his forehead to hers.

"Show me," she whispered into his ear, nibbling on his earlobe, soothing with her tongue. "Show me, how much you love me."

She was up in his arms, giggling, burying her head into the crook of his neck and carried into his bedroom all within the next five seconds. "I'll show you, just how much," he whispered into her ear. "You have no idea how much."

He felt her hand on his cheek and turned his head to look at her, stopping in front of his bed, now hesitating to drop her, "I do, Rick. I do know how much." She could feel him take a deep breath. "It's mutual." Her fingers caressed his cheek, a small smile playing around her lips and her eyes shining with tenderness and love. _So much love. _Something settled in him and he realised somewhere deep inside he had accepted he might just love her more than she did love him. But now, looking into her eyes he saw the truth. She loved him just as much, couldn't hide it anymore. He was beaming at her and then he let go, dropping her on top of his bed.

"Hey," she protested, laughing and then somehow got her legs around his, tugging, sending him flying down on top of her with an _umpf._

"Hey yourself," he replied, bracing himself on his elbows not to crush her, before leaning down to kiss her again. Her hands sneaked around his neck, pulling him closer, pulling him towards her and then landed in his hair when he started trailing kisses down her neck. His hands reached behind her back, pulling her slightly off the bed to unclasp her bra and sending it flying across the room. He heard her laugh and frowned at her. "What?"

"It landed on your Firefly model," she explained.

"Good place then," he grinned before turning his attention back to her, continuing his path down her body, stopping at the scar between her breasts. His eyes clouded for a second until he remembered she had promised, _No more_. So instead of the sadness he usually felt when thinking about the horrible day that almost took her away from him he smiled, placing a kiss on this constant reminder that she was alive, breathing and here with him. His fingers tracing the line on her side and he looked up at her, "You're so beautiful."

She sighed, her face radiant as she watched him worshipping her, feeling loved, she'd had no idea it could feel like this. She lifted her hips when he started tugging on her jeans. No hesitation. And then she leaned up to work on his own pair until they had stripped them off him together, crushing back onto the mattress, a tangled mass of limbs and frenzy kisses. Heated, passionate. They managed to get rid of the last barriers between them and she clung to him, breathing his name, when he finally made them one.

They didn't need to find their rhythm. It was just there. They were in sync, _always_. He took her to the stratosphere more than once that night and when they finally collapsed, spent, happy and content, she held him close not wanting to lose contact, finally settling on his chest, because she loved it there, while he drew circles on her back.

"Rocket Man," she chuckled into his chest.

"Uh?" He had the feeling he had missed a part of what she said.

"You truly are a Rocket Man," she whispered tenderly.

And at those words he felt proud, for some stupid reason they made him feel insanely proud, "Your Rocket Man."

"Yeah," she smiled at him, moving closer and before she touched her lips to his she whispered, "My Rocket Man, always."

* * *

><p><em><strong>The End<br>**_


End file.
